To find it unfair that my DH doesn’t seem to want me to work?

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Slightly complex situation here.

I work full time as a teacher. To cut a long story short, it isn’t really working for me- long hours, tough conditions and three small children that I hardly ever see. I’m hoping to leave at Easter. Having gone from doing everything round the house as a SAHM for a few years, my DH has found it hard that now he has to pick up his share of pick ups etc. DH is happy at the thought of me quitting my job.

We’ve got a holiday cottage that I’d like to run instead of teaching. I think I can make it work around the children a bit more, and I’ll be able to do most of the pick ups and drop offs. All fine.

However, there’s a part time job that I’ve seen advertised and that I’d really like to try doing. Its museum work. It’s 28 hours but over a rota of 7 days. My DH really doesn’t think I should go to the interview (which is next week) as he thinks it won’t make our lives easier and that I should just stick to cleaning and running the holiday cottage.

I can’t help feeling that he just wants things to be easier for him, and for me to revert back to doing all the pick ups and drop offs. He doesn’t earn loads so the part time wage that I could bring in might help us financially. He just says I change my mind a lot, and that I’m frustrating.

Yanbu. You must go for the job, that's partly because you just should and partly because from a me me me point of view I'd love to work in a museum. Do it. Let him pick up some of the slack. Live. Enjoy your life.

you need to be working. He is being an arse

Also......just had a thought.

Is he the type who wants to have the cook, cleaner, nanny, PA on tap but then bitches to hell and back about the fact that he wants more money? Seen scarily often and what they actually mean is....."I want you to pay 50/50 on the household costs and 100% of the house/kid/life work."

This is why being a SAHM outside maternity leave is a bad idea, because some of them get a little bit too used to not having to lift a finger. I personally advocate insisting on keeping the 50/50 split on housework etc when on ML, its not a fucking holiday and it stops a certain type of man expecting the money coming in while dinner is still cooked for him and his dirty pants washed.

I volunteer in a big museum and work alongside ex-teachers with the public and school groups in particular. I'd explore finding a similar museum role but focussed on school groups as that could fit much better with your family.

There is a split between school PEL (public engagement and learning - different museums call it different things but I am assuming from what you have said that it is that ball park) - term-time school sessions only (so usually finish in time for school groups to get back to school) and general public PEL - emphasis can be more on weekends and school holidays because that is when museums are busiest, apart from school groups.

Is it the only this museum near to you and only that role? Or could you hold out for a school-focussed job? Or look for casual shifts in different museums but again just with school groups or on school days with the general public. I live in London and have fee-paid colleagues who do this, and once I stop doing my day job I may look into it. The pay isn't good BUT it can be at times that suit you.

https://gem.org.uk/careers/job-search-results/ is good plus NMDC and Museums association jobs boards.

Yes, I would employ a cleaner at least (but I don't like cleaning). It might be that you can sometimes do it yourself if you find someone who doesn't mind being flexible.

Running a rental won't please him. No more holidays/going away in peak season. Weekends/short lets you need to be available. Endless piles or washing and ironing. Cleaning other people's yuck. It's not a nice job at all. Dropping everything to sort out other people's issues. I've had quite a few and I basically dread bookings.

Sorry OP, but I think you need to think this through a bit more . I say this kindly as you are likely overwhelmed and the jumping between different ‘solutions’ probably stems from this. However, I expect I would be frustrated with my partner if they planned giving up work on the grounds of facilitating day to day life but then looked instead at complicating things further . You have identified that things are not working well at the moment but it might be worth analysing the situation in-depth - are there practical reasons or is it just that your DH is not pulling his weight? In terms of giving up teaching, you currently have a full time job with long school holidays and weekends off to spend time with your children , and the financial benefits of pension and security. That’s a lot to give up unless you really hate it - I appreciate teaching can be challenging but would caution against giving up financial independence and a career that comes with the very child friendly guarantee of school
holidays and weekends off. Would it be possible to use your current income to make life easier - more childcare, food deliveries , cleaners, move nearer to schools, or consider other ways to streamline your life ?Obviously your DH needs to be doing his share of child care and life practicalities . Your DH has changed work hours -is he reluctant to do more around family life or resentful of what he is doing so far? Is he doing school runs but nothing at home ? Could you reduce the number of your days too and muddle through between you? You mention he is the higher earner and that he works less days for childcare reasons - is he working part time or compressed hours or is there opportunity to increase income there to pay for more childcare? These are questions I would consider before making drastic changes . There is a lot of very useful information on this board about how to streamline life with small children and remember your children will become more independent over the next few years.

Regarding the museum job, I expect it’s unlikely to be a panacea. I worked in museums for years . Depending on the museum, the work is notoriously underpaid (Lots of PhDs on minimum wage for example) , often contract, will definitely mean working some weekends, bank holidays and over the school holidays and may involve managing hoards of rampaging kids on school tours or periods of tedium if you are in a visitor facing role, which seems likely given the hours you describe. How will you work childcare around changing shift patterns and will you see more or less of your children if you are working through holidays etc ? I appreciate teaching is not easy and it sounds like you want a change but don’t jump from the frying pan into the fire. And then the holiday let . Not sure how ad hoc availability to clean your holiday let would work either, do you have a cleaner available who will agree to work only when needed - I would imagine reliable cleaners want regular work not sporadic hours ? You need to change things if life is impossible and miserable but the cottage with the museum job doesn’t seem like the solution to your problems at the moment.

Having read your updates
I’d say it’s more this job he doesn’t want you to apply for not the fact u are applying for a job
the wage won’t be spectacular
28 hours your not be that much bet of time wise than full time
after school club for 3 kids 4 days a week
paying a cleaner ( if you can find one to one work when u need ) for your holiday cottage
Working weekends
school holiday to sort childcare
no doubt parking or public transport to pay

struggling to see any positives apart from museums work sounds interesting

Maintaining your own income is worth a lot, I think.

But his solution is for her not to work at all and simply run the cottage. So financially they would, by your estimate, be about the same but and it is a BIG but.......she will still be working so he has no choice but to pull his weight.

It sounds like he wants to simply offload any family related work such as school runs, housework, childcare etc, and the OP not working would mean he has the gavel with which to end all discussions....... "But you dont work and I do".

The OP staying in paid employment will pay her a hell of a lot more than money.

@PyongyangKipperbang that's my perception of many men too- my 1st marriage ended partly because of this. Many men (not all) can be initially great with sharing housework etc but get bored of it after a few years and don't like it if housework or childcare or the woman's job interfere with their own social lives/interests , but they want the income

One thought- do you definitely use the holiday cottage yourself a lot as a family? If you only use it one week a year, then I'd let it out full-time as a rental, it's so much easier, you can put it with a good agency and at the moment, rental prices are high, so you would get a steady monthly income, no need to faff with bedding or cleaners or bookings or cancellations. Just a thought. You might get a bad tenant, but the agency I use is fantastic and they have a way of negotiating them out if there's any issues, not that there ever has been as the people they pick are fantastic tenants and I'd use them any day rather than run things myself.

Go for it!
I've decided to leave teaching after 20 years' because it is so bad on so many different levels.
I'm looking to go back to uni part-time to do an MSc but will also need to look for a part-time job at the same time in order to pay the bills and rent.
Hubby is incredibly supportive of my decision because he recognises how bad teaching is making me feel.
We have a 3 yo daughter and two teenage sons so I imagine it will be hard-going with me both working and uni-ing but something needs to change!

I’d go for the museum job. Assuming it’s for a local authority etc it will come with a decent pension. If you get the job then see how it goes there may be more flexibility or ability to swap shifts etc eg if you work weekends school hols a colleague may want to do more weekdays.

Really important for you to be able to work but I can kind of see where he is coming from too. If you’ve gone from SAHM to full time teaching and are now giving up teaching to run a holiday cottage but have also thrown a part time role with odd shift hours which will impact on the holiday cottage then I understand his lack of enthusiasm. The museum job sounds great but is it REALLY workable?

Because of having to split your time between three children. Obviously doable but most weekends with three children of different ages would be hard for one parent. Swimming was my example of where you wouldn't be allowed with the adult to child ratios.
I see what you are getting at and normally do agree fathers need to step up but I think most women wouldn't be thrilled with this flipped.

I truly see your point. I’m a bit all over the place.

However, in my defence we always agreed that if the full time work became too much for us to handle as a family, then I’d step back.

It’s probably time for me to quit teaching, prioritise my family. I can set up the business in my own time and then see if there are better opportunities out there at a later date, preferably with part time fixed days.

Also, the Museum job is only a fixed term position until November.

But isn't that largely what OP did when she was a SAHM? Except it was 5 days a week instead of 2.

I wonder if people would be saying things like this if it was a man who suddenly wanted to change jobs to an awkward shift pattern that involved a woman doing everything at weekends while he quit his career to worked in a low paid job that he loved.

You don't need permission, do what you want to do x

Sorry if what I’m about to say has already been said ( haven’t read the whole thread) but I’m in a similar position to you. Ex teacher who works part time in a museum and who has an Air BnB to sort.
My experience is that I work 3 set days a week but was a casual until I got a contracted role so sometimes work extra shifts especially at the weekend but that is within my control. Your potential shift pattern over 7 days sounds complicated. You may likely not get the same days off each week - you will need to check exactly what’s expected of you. And yes it’s a massive pay drop after teaching. On the other hand my job is fairly stress free - I work with children in the museum so related to teaching. Sometimes this is tiring though. I get home from a longish commute and then need to do laundry and ironing from the air BnB. I’m lucky as DH is retired so takes on a lot of the cleaning of it otherwise I’d be working more. But I don’t have young children any more so perfectly doable. I’m not sure with kids I’d take on the whole responsibility for your holiday let as well as potentially being on call for the museum every day! You will know as a holiday let owner that there is far more to it than just cleaning and changing beds. And people don’t always arrive in set days! Will your DH step up and help ? You will need it.
But good luck for your interview - do go! It’s a lovely environment to work in, especially after the toxic culture in schools. All my colleagues except one are ex teachers!

I presumed at least some of the children are school aged so we're in school during the week but may be wrong. I am not saying he couldn't manage and should be able to look after 3 children for a weekend but just regularly is what you want for family life if you have a choice?
Family time all together or the chance to do things with one child individually are really valuable so it would have to be worthwhile giving up.
If it's the dream job it is worthwhile- only a question OP can answer.

My DH really doesn’t think I should go to the interview (which is next week) as he thinks it won’t make our lives easier and that I should just stick to cleaning and running the holiday cottage. It won't make his life easier is what he means. He wants it to go back to you doing everything and him being let off the hook.

Is it for English Heritage?

Go to interview and take the Museum job if offered. Your mental health is important and it will be fulfilling. As to time conflicts: you may be able to swap with others, you may be able to put in request to whomever sets the rota, and in any case, you will still come out WAY ahead even if on occasion you need to hire cleaners!