To find it unfair that my DH doesn’t seem to want me to work?

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Slightly complex situation here.

I work full time as a teacher. To cut a long story short, it isn’t really working for me- long hours, tough conditions and three small children that I hardly ever see. I’m hoping to leave at Easter. Having gone from doing everything round the house as a SAHM for a few years, my DH has found it hard that now he has to pick up his share of pick ups etc. DH is happy at the thought of me quitting my job.

We’ve got a holiday cottage that I’d like to run instead of teaching. I think I can make it work around the children a bit more, and I’ll be able to do most of the pick ups and drop offs. All fine.

However, there’s a part time job that I’ve seen advertised and that I’d really like to try doing. Its museum work. It’s 28 hours but over a rota of 7 days. My DH really doesn’t think I should go to the interview (which is next week) as he thinks it won’t make our lives easier and that I should just stick to cleaning and running the holiday cottage.

I can’t help feeling that he just wants things to be easier for him, and for me to revert back to doing all the pick ups and drop offs. He doesn’t earn loads so the part time wage that I could bring in might help us financially. He just says I change my mind a lot, and that I’m frustrating.

To be honest I think it sounds frustrating too.

a life with 3 kids is already hectic and the chopping and changing would drive me mad too.

You may as well try it OP, if it doesn't work leave. Remember too that you take unpaid parental leave over the summer - 2 weeks for each child.

"plus in the future it's alwayseasier to find a job if you already have one and you don't have gaps in your CV."

I agree about gaps, but when you're out of work you have more time to go to work, can accept interviews at the last minute and start working straight away and these are sometimes advantages.

Go for it- teacher turned SAHM - looks of transferable skills and holiday cottages have quiet times. Good luck

I don’t think that job sounds very good to be honest. It would be different if the days were fixed. It will just make the holidays a nightmare and I imagine not as well paid as being a teacher? You’ll still be spending time away from your children.

Take the museum job, build your career and pension.

Hire a cleaner for the cottage, pay for it out of JOINT account. DH benefits too.

Don’t lose site of the woods amongst all the trees.

Please don’t give up on the chance of a job that could be perfect for you so you can clean a house occasionally .

I run a holiday let and charge a cleaning fee to the guests which covers the cost of a cleaner.

you might have to pay someone once every month or so to clean (if you get the job) but you’ll still be in credit.

He's right......you do seem to change your mind a lot, I can see why he's frustrated.

As for the poster trotting out the usual tripe because a guy has pointed out the obvious did you all miss the part where the ops husband has dropped to 4 days already to cover childcare and facilitate her working ? 😬

You both need to work together to decide if this new job would fit around your childcare needs. Just have a common sense approach with give and take on both sides. I dont think it would be feasible to accept this new job and be responsible for cleaning the holiday cottage too. Could this be handed over to an agency.

I would be disappointed if my husband took a job that meant working weekends as it's our only family time. Having said that, I would also appreciate that he wants to further his career and keep his financial independence.
Who does the cottage belong to by the way? What happens if you divorce?

It's not just the income it's OP doing something for herself in a job she is interested in and will enjoy. These oportunites don't come up every 5 minutes. I would try to make it work around house and kids if at all possible. Shame DH does not see it this way. Good luck OP if you decide to go for it .

Definitely go for the museum job if it's in your subject - you will feel it's rewarding, even if it isn't well-paid.

I feel for you.

Keep your career options open. If you settle for being a SAHM/cleaner and your marriage is one of the 40% that end in divorce you’ve not set yourself up to have choices.

I think working at the weekend with three children would have to be very worthwhile; either financially or because it is your dream role.
It will be difficult for your husband to do a lot of things with them like swimming or birthday parties, club's and things the older one wants to do that might not be suitable for the younger. I would really think if it will be worth it for the affect on family life.
I imagine school holidays will be really busy at the museum and with your holiday let so how much time would you get with your children.

I don’t think it would hurt to go for the interview, but wonder if it will actually be difficult - with changing shifts and expectations to work at weekends and school holidays which are presumably busier for the museum, it may make it harder to do family things. Plus assuming it is much lower paid, will it leave you much after wraparound and holiday club fees? Can you easily get a cleaner on an occasional basis, or will you end up having to pay more than you would for a regular clean?

YANBU op

@Luckygreenduck

sorry I don’t follow… why can’t OP’s husband take their kids to parties and clubs etc?

I think there’s a compromise with all the museum job. It does get you to use your MA, build your career and pension.

however you will have less time with the kids on weekends, some afternoons and school holidays.

the cost of childcare for 3 kids in school holidays is substantial (£30-40 per kid near me). Museum jobs are notoriously poorly paid. You might find you are working to subsidise your holiday childcare bills.

It’s not up to him to decide. Go for the interview if YOU want to.

Go to the interview, worry about how it might work when and if you are offered the job.

It feels like it would be better to plough ahead with both job and cottage and just have cleaner as needed and/or pay for the cleaner and you just do the management of the letting.

Its hard to know what the impact of the shifts will be until you have more of an idea of what the shifts are.

A compromise might be if you are offered it , to take the museum job and review how it's going 6 months down the line.

Hi. My ex was super happy for me to have a part time permanent teaching job and do supply work to top up our family income as he was ‘building the business’ so ad hoc working meant I could accommodate his travelling and relentless work schedule and also be there for 3 kids.

He worked every evening as well as was ‘building the business’ so I did all organisation and runs for extra curricular evening activities for 3 kids. He said he didn’t want me to get a full time permanent job as I did enough (!) and when business was more profitable I would only need to do part time work and we would all have more family time.

Fast forward to ‘viable’ business and he asked for a divorce and told me he couldn’t subsidise my lifestyle any longer and I would have to grow up and get a full time job like the rest of the world.

So…..Accommodate your family needs but don’t forget that ultimately you are an independent adult too, as well as a mum. And as I have found out, the world is run by men for men so economic autonomy is a gift.

You're jumping the gun... go for the interview. Tell your DH its good experience. IF (you might not be successful) you are offered the job, you can accept. Then after a certain period of time make a 'flexible working request' due to childcare issues. Ask for set days or a rota over 5 days.

Re the holiday let depending where you are I would only do Friday to Friday not shorter lets It is hard work cleaning to a high standard which a cleaner may not do or not turn up and you will be in trouble if you are working.In winter do a winter let for a steady income.The museum job may be fine but you have school holidays and weekends to consider.I can’t see it working at this time in your life.Try and find something that you would enjoy that fits in with your life at present.

So apart from "You being unpaid nanny and PA works better for me" what are his reasons for you not doing this job?

Can he say, with evidence to back it up, why you not working a 28 hour week compared to the mad hours you are doing now, and just running the cottage is somehow preferable to you bringing in money, working on your career (getting into a museum in a paid role would be amazing, most of them have volunteers now due to financial contraints as I am sure you know), putting money into the home and into your pension? And what are his suggestions for earning more money himself if he doesnt want you to do it? Will he contribute the equivalent that you would get into your pension if you are not working? Does he envisage doing anything at all to contribute to the running of the house and family apart from financial? I suspect that he does not.

Take the job if you get it. And good luck!

Also, I am guessing that it isnt set shifts so that everyone gets their fair share of weekends/BH off. I would ask to look at a sample rota so you can judge what the shifts are likely to be before you accept the job.