Ex got 8 years in prison for Dv , he’s contacted me and still wants to be with me after 3 years

[LouiseShard]

My ex went to prison for dv he got 8 years and I have a restraining order . It’s been 3 years and he got back in contact with me and I was so happy he did as I missed him despite all the Dv I know it was both of us why everything happened . He’s said he’s a changed man and can see he’s wrongs and is working so hard to fix everything he did wrong taking courses etc. am I being naive, can someone actually change should I give him another chance , I feel like he does love me to risk contacting me after everything he could have moved on and had every reason to hate me for the sentence he got , why’s he still saying he loves me and can’t forget me , advice please be kind

Yet another one absolutely astounded by length of sentence.

You sound so vulnerable. Make a GP visit if you're really down about this. Do not take him back.

I'm only know one woman who has experienced domestic violence. Or one I know about, of course it's often hidden.

She is dead, She eventually left him. He came back to pack his belongings, he murdered her.

One day he will be out, telling people he has changed. But she's still dead.

I'm trying to be as stark as I can. He could have killed you already, he hasn't and you are lucky to have the choice to stay clear of him.

My friend is dead, her family are destroyed and are living half a life.

'I know it was both of us why everything happened'
Take that statement to a therapist and work on why you're still taking blame even years later.
Break all contact, now.

@MsAli so sorry

@Ireneking You have had a dreadful, dreadful time. I am so sorry about your Mum and your brother and his girlfriend.

I honestly do not think you are an idiot, I think you are an abused vulnerable woman.

Unfortunately abusive men know which women to target. He is using these means to show you he can still get to you. Tug your strings. Let you know he still means to live in your head. Because he means to exploit your vulnerability. You know what? A man who actually loved you and had remorse and had learned respect would think “poor Irene, everything I put her through, the best I can do for her now is allow her to recover and move on to a happier life”.

You have done so well to have moved away and changed your phone number etc. You didn’t go through all that to let him come sneaking back through your defences.

You put yourself through a lot. You deserve your safety, your peace and your freedom

Report him. God forbid he get parole and come looking for you. Take your real name or any name he knows off social media. Don’t let anyone tag you. Lock your privacy right down.

Goid luck.

The man you want him to be does not exist. It is possible that he thinks he has changed and he may well be sorry for his actions

However he himself has grown up suffering or witnessing abuse and that has conditioned him to become the man he is today

You won’t be the first to be thinking about this scenario but I understand it’s alluring in some ways.

Be with a man you want your son to turn into is the deepest advice I can offer you.

Always remember you have a choice who you bring into your children’s lives and they do not.

Try to find the courage to report his contact. If you don’t he will smell blood, sense your weakness and be considering approaching you once he is out.

I work with the prison service. Prisoners have a list of approved people they are allowed to contact and using others to get round it is a serious offence. You need to contact the Police and the prison Governor immediately.

There are children in your home. It doesn't matter whether they are his or not. He is a violent individual, and if you take him back, you are putting your children as well as yourself at risk, and social services could remove your children from you for their own safety.

OP, the majority of responders on this thread ARE being kind even when they sound harsh - they don't want you to die. There are two or three who have been unnecessarily mean, probably out of frustration and fear rather than cruelty, but please try not to take it personally; none of us know you IRL, of course. However, the bottom line is that nobody deserves the things that happened to you. You are NOT an awful mother, you obviously care very deeply about your children. You actually come across as a very sweet person who is vulnerable after going through a lot of bad events. There's sadly a lot of DV about and it is very rarely in any way the fault of the victim, whatever their abuser fools them into believing.

Take care of yourself. Start by carrying out the advice that you recognise as sensible, from the DV officers and prison officers and anyone IRL you're still in touch with who knows about this stuff. Then, if you can, get some therapeutic support. It's a hell of a thing to have been through and then disasters happening to your family as well - don't feel weak because you need help. Everyone needs help sometimes. It's what being human is all about.

At the very least, if you do still care about this man, do him the massive favour of not giving up your own life so he is banged up in prison for the rest of his!

Exactly what I was thinking.
Absolutely no way should you want to be in touch with this creature.

If I was in prison I'd take classes too. Look, you don't need to take him back just bc it was mutual. If he's a changed man that's great and he can have a fresh start with someone else or stay alone. You can tell him you're happy for him, but you don't need to be a couple. After that, close channels of communication.

OP I’m sorry you are going through this To escape a violet attacker and be strong enough to leave & help prosecute a violent partner who has hurt you requires a lot of strength.
This man is incapable of love. We don’t attack those we love . We cherish and care for them . His underhanded attempts to contact and control you must stop , please report it. The next woman he manipulates might not escape with her life.
There are support networks out there who can support you with counselling etc. The fact you even think this was in anyway your fault shows you need support x
Im sorry you have had so much loss in a short amount of time x
Be strong x you deserve to be happy x

just to clarify on your first post about him takkkh classes

he HAS to do these

they are mandatory depending on conviction and include things like anger management

they are part of sentence planning

as someone who works with prisoners everyday - most do the course because they have to. In 25 years i’ve never met a single inmate who said he’s. hanged form them

they are a tick box sadly for them to get out

if bed talking about education classes then again, in his interest as education is a paid employment offer in prison

I used to volunteer with survivors of DV.

Report this and start to think more of yourself and even if that seems impossible imagine the police, medical staff, DV workers who have to see the outcome of this. Imagine a young officer having to go and knock on the door of your next of kin telling them you have been killed. Watch murdered by my boyfriend on iPlayer. Do not become a statistic and do not have any more contact with the woman who got your number. Plus come off social media so he cannot find you. I wish you all the best in the world, you are worth so much more than you realise.