Ex got 8 years in prison for Dv , he’s contacted me and still wants to be with me after 3 years

[LouiseShard]

My ex went to prison for dv he got 8 years and I have a restraining order . It’s been 3 years and he got back in contact with me and I was so happy he did as I missed him despite all the Dv I know it was both of us why everything happened . He’s said he’s a changed man and can see he’s wrongs and is working so hard to fix everything he did wrong taking courses etc. am I being naive, can someone actually change should I give him another chance , I feel like he does love me to risk contacting me after everything he could have moved on and had every reason to hate me for the sentence he got , why’s he still saying he loves me and can’t forget me , advice please be kind

It's also a breach of the restraining order getting other people to contact you, hopefully you are going to report this.

Im so sorry to hear about what happened with your mum and other family. That must be so incredibly hard especially at a time you needed them and at a time you needed to be building your strength up. Please please please get counselling or women’s aid support or even call Samaritans in the meantime. Today! Speak to a friend you trust. Anything OP but DO NOT get in touch with your abuser. Listen to the advice on here. You WILL BE KILLED. Statistical fact.

Would it help you at all to write out on here exactly what he did to you to get 8 years in prison? I don’t want to re-traumatise you but I’m wondering if it will open your eyes and remind you of where you WILL be back again if you make the massive mistake of contacting him?

He must have beat you to within an inch of your life to get 8 years- not to mention the emotional trauma. We are all literally screaming at you here to come to your senses and keep the hell away. Hear us!

You’re putting your children at risk of serious harm OP. A lot of abusers harm or even kill the children as a way to hurt you. There was one of these stories not so long ago- he set the house alight overnight and killed them all to get revenge.
You need to realise you must protect your children as well as yourself.

I think if you currently have custody of your own children, and you invite a convicted abuser to get back in touch with you, that Social Services will get them under a care plan because you're showing you aren't thinking clearly and aren't able to make decisions to keep your children safe.

He is a risk to you and your children, and you REALLY need to do some work on yourself, counselling, The Freedom Programme etc, to unpick why you are even entertaining this.

I don't want to call you stupid because I've been in positions myself that with hindsight were stupid, but you really need to put your children first and absolutely DO NOT ENGAGE with him. No replies, nothing. Block, delete, report to his jail and get his sentence increased.

Sorry will never ever be enough.

Op I really think you need to do the Freedom programme.

There are only two reasons he is contacting you. Either he wants to know where you are so he can get revenge when he gets out or he's wants your attention because he's feeling bored and lonely in jail. You say he could just move on - how can he when he's in jail? You are the only person he can really get any attention from and no doubt he's wormed his way back in with you plenty of times before, so he's hoping he might have a chance again this time.

Of course he says he's changed - he'll say anything to get back in your head. But just think - if he'd really changed into a good respectful person then 1)he'd be following the rules and not contacting you 2) he would respect you took out a restraining order for a reason 3)he'd realise that after what he's done to you the best thing he could do for you would be to leave you alone to rebuild your life 4) he'd be focusing on himself and what he needs to do to fix himself, not contacting you.

This isn't a changed man, it's a man pretending to be everything you want so he can worm his way back in and destroy you one way or another - you standing up to him is the reason he is in jail for 8 years, do you really think he's going to just forget that?

What you need to do is let the authorities know that he is finding ways to harass you - because that is what this is - and make sure he stays inside for as long as possible. Most importantly you need to be completely private on SM - change your settings on everything - and change your phone number. You do not want this man to be able to find you when he finally gets out.

You deserve someone so much better than this.

You deserve to be with a man who never even makes you flinch, let alone actually hurt you.

Your ex will not change. He wants the easy life of knowing he can control you and pull you apart bit by bit by bit until there’s nothing left of you.

Report him. Move on with your life. The world is filled with men who won’t do this to you, and a very small minority who would.

I know it was both of us why everything happened .

If this is the case and he felt that to yet was the only one to get done for it as said be very warey (sp) that revenge isn't his motive.

You need to report this to the prison. He is breaching his restraining order and the terms of his sentence. You realise this is harassment, right? He doesn’t love you. He’s a dangerous, violent man and if you continue to have contact with him he will eventually kill you.

can you contact your local womans aid and redo freedom programme. if you are anywhere in ireland i will meet up with you. you did nothing wrong when he got 8 years. protect yoyrself and your children. if youve passed on info you need to delete and get a new phone sim. come off social media 100% so noone can contact you ever again.

OP FFS put your CHILDREN first and foremost.

He is a violent man and you were instrumental in putting him in jail for 8 years.

Are you really, really prepared to take even the slightest chance with their lives? They aren't even his so why on earth do you think that he won't hurt or kill them to make YOU suffer??

I don't care how much you "love" him or whatever the fuck you think he will add to your life.

You are considering taking an huge, enormous risk with your children's happiness, health and LIVES.

Where's your concern for them??????

As I've posted above if you continue to consider being in his reach give your children up first.
They deserve better than you.

You can choose to risk yourself, but you don't have the right to put the risk on them.

So, will you give up your children for him?

8 years isn't a slap on the wrist sentence. That's a "you seriously fucked up" sentence. Or at least that's what the judge and prosecutor thought.

Don't give this man a second more of your time.

This is a piss take, right?

Put your children first. No child - even adult children - should have to suffer the awful ordeal of witnessing, or even just knowing, that their mother is being abused.

I have relatives who ranged from the ages of five to early 20s when their mother repeatedly let an abusive partner back into her life. It was horrific for all of them. The stress made the eldest child, who was a student in her 20s, physically and mentally ill. The next oldest was around 17-19 during this period and his relationship with his mother has never recovered. It severely affected the younger ones too.

I know it was both of us why everything happened**

No it wasn’t. There is a reason why he got eight years in prison and you didn’t.

There is NOTHING that you could have done that would ever, EVER justify what he did.

I get what your saying, I certainly wasn't suggesting that the op rescue him, more trying to warn not to, so if my comments came across that way I apologise.

The chance of you being able to have a relationship with this man and keeping your children is zero, as it should be. Children's Services would be all over this and TBH, the fact you've had contact without immediately reporting him to the authorities for breaching the restraining order would not be seen as protective behaviour on your part (because it isn't)

You're calling ME disgusting for saying you should give your children up to save their lives if you decide to go back to the fucker who got 8 years for DV??????

The fact that you are even considering letting him get close to them tells everyone about the strength of your parental concern.

You shame yourself.

Be kind?

No. Being kind can’t reason with stupid.

Social services will ask the same question.

I think you have decided not to have anything to do with this man (well biologically he is one, no real man is violent towards a woman), and hope you can get the support you need.

You say you wouldn’t give up your children for this piece of work. The fact is, if you get back with him, you won’t have a choice. If you entertain getting back together with him for one second, you lose your children, you lose yourself and very possibly you lose your life. Stop. Contacting. Him.