Ex got 8 years in prison for Dv , he’s contacted me and still wants to be with me after 3 years

[LouiseShard]

My ex went to prison for dv he got 8 years and I have a restraining order . It’s been 3 years and he got back in contact with me and I was so happy he did as I missed him despite all the Dv I know it was both of us why everything happened . He’s said he’s a changed man and can see he’s wrongs and is working so hard to fix everything he did wrong taking courses etc. am I being naive, can someone actually change should I give him another chance , I feel like he does love me to risk contacting me after everything he could have moved on and had every reason to hate me for the sentence he got , why’s he still saying he loves me and can’t forget me , advice please be kind

OP contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom programme. Do not accept calls from him. Block him and change your number/email address etc. Also, I would contact the police/ legal team and tell them about the recent contact.

Hey OP - I am a police officer and deal with DV day in day out. To get an 8 year sentence he must have practically left you for dead - as believe me I have horrific cases, where they have an absolute massive amount of history, and they rarely get anything like that kind of sentence. I am saying this to try and make you realise how awful the abuse must have been.

You know deep down he won’t change and you’re putting yourself at massive risk even speaking with him. Unfortunately men like him thrive on controlling and abusing women, and he has the upper hand now as you already sound like you feel guilty for going to court and advocating for yourself.

I assume at the time you had an IDVA attached to you - call them and ask them for advice. They are a massive support to you. I know calling the police is scary but if you feel you can please do so, breaching a restraining order is a serious offence, they don’t give them out lightly and so if he has been handed one it’s because the courts deem him a massive risk to you.

I say this kindly but do you have an independent life away from him? Having a job, friends, seeing other peoples relationships and what’s actually ‘normal’ is always a positive to recognise how awful your own was. also to build your own confidence and self esteem.

I would ask the posters who are angry with the OP to try and empathise a little. Before I joined the police I equally thought ‘why would you stay with someone or get back with someone who was abusive?’ Unfortunately the more I see the more I recognise how clever these men are and unfortunately how women in society are still conditioned into thinking they need a man in their lives - any man is better than no man for a lot of women. a lot of these women have also have abusive upbringings and almost think the fear and violence is ‘normal’ and what is expected in a relationship. It’s all very sad.

OP please get some help, even if it’s just speaking to a close friend, as unfortunately if you let him back in your life there is a massive chance you will end up dead at his hands. Statistically women are much more likely to be killed by a partner - the stats are terrifying. Please keep yourself safe x

My ex only got 18 months for trying to burn down my house. He was out in 9 months.
I hate to think what he did to you to.get 8 years.
My ex asked for a reconciliation a month before his trial while he was on remand.
Please listen to everyone OP

Because its all about power and control. He gets off on messing with your head.

He doesn't love you. The sexual kick is about controlling you not respecting your wishes. Your wish was for him to leave you alone - he is demonstrating, once again, that he does not respect your wishes or self determination in life.

This shows he absoluetely HAS NOT CHANGED. If he had changed he would understand he'd put you through hell and if he loved you, he'd understand and want you to rebuild your life without him.

He got a restraining order FOR A REASON. This is the reason. Because he gets off on power over you including harming you.

This power trip is potentially addictive - which DOES explain why he would contact you. Because the pull to abuse you and have power back, when he is a place where that power has been deliberately remove is so compelling.

Contacting you despite a restraining order, makes it even more compelling to him. He is not only regaining power over you, but its getting one over the authorities who have tried to remove his power and its giving them the finger. Which he gets off on too.

He is being emotionally abusive and coercive. He is trying to reclaim his position over you, precisely because you did mean business in the past. He's trying to 'put you back in your place'.

Understand this, and run a mile from him. Report him and reassert your position that you aren't going to be manipulated and show him that the authorities aren't mucking about.

Also consider your position AFTER he is released. He is going to try and contact you. You need to think about your security on facebook so you aren't visible on searches etc.

He's in prison, he see's other prisoners with supportive partners on the outside and thinks he would like the same. Who is there for him to turn to, starting a relationship with someone new while he is inside is not going to happen so he has turned to you. After all that has happened he knows he needs to say all the right things to get your attention so that is what he is doing. If he truly loved you he would realise the hurt he has caused and obey the order not to contact you. This is all about his needs not yours.

So he’s serving an 8 year sentence for being violent against you

There’s a restraining order

yet he’s been sneaky and used flying monkeys to get hold of you and look what it’s done to you already.

It’s all about control, he’s showing you that he can still interrupt your life from prison. He hasn’t changed

Dont reply. Show the screenshots to the relevant authorities and consider shutting down or removing as much information as possible from your social media profiles.

He isn’t sorry. Don’t fall for it

Please don’t get back with him they don’t change! Me and my ex split for 3 years then I got back with him after him showing me how much he had changed we were back together a year when I fell pregnant with our second child then he went back to the old him but he was worse I stayed for another 2 years then split up with him. We split 11 years ago now and I’m happily married to the most loving man ever 😊 but recently been contacted by my ex’s most recent ex asking if I had been through the same as she has or was it just her! After everything she told me he has definitely got a lot worse than when he was with me, They do not change! Keep yourself safe and find a man that cherishes you

I echo the PPs saying seek help from a women's charity. The vulnerability that kept you with him the first time is obviously still there and he's ready to exploit that again. You might end up dead if you don't seek help.

You clearly felt the need to get a restraining order against him. Think about that. Think about the reasons.

A family ‘friend’ of ours also only got 6 years for being a paedophile. So 8 years must be serious.

I don't think the OP will come back as the replies are not what she wants to hear, I think the next time we'll hear about the OP will be in the news and not in a good way...

As hard as it is you need to stay strong and not be with this man. Do you have children? I only ask as the implications of resuming a relationship with this man are likely to be detrimental on the physical and emotional wellbeing of your children.

8 years for dv is significant and even if he has made changes it is in your best interests to avoid him as hard as it is for you. Surely he should not be able to be in contact with you? Please speak with any of your support network for help in keeping a clear mindset that this relationship will never be ok to resume - this is for your safety.

This screams "if I cant have you nobody else will"

6 months later the good behaviour wears off, then the interrogation about who you've been with while hes been away, not believing you whatever you say or blaming you, then murder.

The fact he hasnt let go is dangerous.

Its the clearest sign he thinks he owns you and isnt remorseful, whatever words he says.

How hard did you want him gone? He hasnt changed. It's easier to con you than put in the effort to trap another woman.

Even if he has changed (he hasnt) you both need fresh starts. This isnt a romantic story.

This makes me go hot and cold literally. This is really bad.

I mean this kindly (even though you won't think it is) but please GROW UP. This isn't some romantic film where he must "really love me to have forgiven me" ...this man is dangerous. No matter what he says ...

It sounds like you were lucky to have escaped him once (people DO NOT get 8 years for nothing), next time you may well be dead.

If you have kids I hope SS protects them as you are not.

Please please give up any notions of change ...stay the hell away from this man and let those in charge know what he is doing!

OP’s been asked many times if she has children and hasn’t replied which is very telling. This won’t end well, those poor poor kids

He will be the death of you.

Sorry but this is a dangerous comment. OP could latch onto it as " I can rescue him".

She can't because he doesn't need a supportive partner. He needs a personality change/therapy/ a gram of self awareness and a shit ton of remorse. And then to leave her alone.

You could easily lose them. He is a risk to them. Witnessing abuse is harm under the Children Act.

So much has happened it feels so easy to be stupid and go back 😪

I'm glad you've come back OP because I really didn't think you would, I hope these replies are helping you? You've been through a great deal but getting back with your abuser is not the answer. It's sounds like you might be wavering a bit?

Has it occurred to you he might just want revenge?

Do not expose your children to this man, ever. It doesn't matter that they aren't his. He is a violent man with no qualms about hurting you, he will very probably use the children to hurt you more.

Maybe it feels easier. But it's so very dangerous. Contact women's organisations and get that support, you sure as hell won't get it from him.

He is testing whether you report him for contacting you.

If you report him, he might actually stay out of your life.

If you dont, he knows he can worm back in which is dangerous for so many reasons.

People dont go to the efforts they have done to keep you safe for no reason.