Ex got 8 years in prison for Dv , he’s contacted me and still wants to be with me after 3 years

[LouiseShard]

My ex went to prison for dv he got 8 years and I have a restraining order . It’s been 3 years and he got back in contact with me and I was so happy he did as I missed him despite all the Dv I know it was both of us why everything happened . He’s said he’s a changed man and can see he’s wrongs and is working so hard to fix everything he did wrong taking courses etc. am I being naive, can someone actually change should I give him another chance , I feel like he does love me to risk contacting me after everything he could have moved on and had every reason to hate me for the sentence he got , why’s he still saying he loves me and can’t forget me , advice please be kind

Don't even consider taking him back. To get a sentence of 8 years means the DV must have been very serious.
Leopards don't change their spots.

He got back in contact because he has the urge to pull those strings and make you dance again. He knows that's all he has to do is click his fingers and you will come running and judging by your reaction he's right.
This isn't love its a desire for control. He feels he needs a power fix and you're an easy source. Let's face it so are his friend and girlfriend but they don't quite scratch that itch for his kicks.

If you do anything other than block them and inform the police you make a mockery of everything you went through.
If he really had changed he would not have broken the law again to contact you. He would privately wish you well in his mind and hope you healed and got on with your life.
You need therapy yourself of you are so easily dragged back in.
If you go back he will kill you and he won't care. He doesn't now or he would leave you be.

The very first thing he’ll do is punish you for his prison sentence……

I just don’t understand why you would even consider this. Wise up.

He knows you are a kind and loving person. He knows that you loved him. He knows you are weak enough to wonder whether to report him or not.

If you don't report him the chances of you dying or extremely high. The chances of you being punished by him are 100%.

Do you have children together?

He got 8 years! What ever he did was very serious.

No he won't have changed and you have a restraining order against him so you should report him contacting you.

I don't know why you are even contemplating this.

It wasn't both of you.

Please seek some help from a DV charity that man has you completely brain washed after all this time.

Oh because he is clearly a fine upstanding man with no alternate motive!

you need your fucking head testing!

8 years, he prob thinks his life is already done for, how is he gonna move on? Get employment? Hence why the ‘fuck it, let’s get her thought process’. Ever thought of that?

I actually can’t believe what I am reading here! Give your head a whack, not even a wobble!

Yes I have a lot , would he really risk contacting me though knowing I can literally screenshot the way he’s contacted me and prove that he’s done it and he will have to do he’s whole sentence

Ok, it's clear the answer you want it...he is a changed man, he so sweetly risked it all by breaking the law to text you. This is the best you will get in life and you must go for it....😑

OP. He does NOT love you. Men like him prey on vulnerable naive women (I don't mean to be harsh, I've been in an abusive relationship myself before so I know). He knows he has some kind of hold over you and he will take advantage of that.

Men who are violent towards women usually have deeply ingrained misogynistic tendencies and that kind of viewpoint is not easily changed.

Don't be so stupid unless you want to end up dead or badly injured. He's stupid too for contacting you, report him for doing so.

It's ridiculously difficult to get a conviction, even harder to get prison time. If he got 8 years that's extremely violent and likely had priors. Only get back with him if you have a death wish. If you have children you would likely lose them.

He’s been gone 3 years. What support have you accessed in that time to sort your head out? Doesn’t sound like you have if there is even one brain cell considering going back.

Bloody hell, sometimes women are their own worst enemies. Report this to the relevant authorities and tighten the security controls on your social media.

He's back in touch because of control, not because he loves you.

Please listen to everyone here. Nothing good can come of this.

The fact you blame yourself that he's in prison tells us how much of a number he's done on you.

Run, and don't look back.

Exactly what everyone else is saying. 8yrs for DV is very very serious!

Absolutely no chance that he has changed, or that the dynamic between you wouldn't go back to the way which caused you to need the restraining order in the first place. There will be existing patterns in the dynamic between you, and it won't go well.

In fact, I would be very scared and contact the police as him being in breach of the restraining order means that you're still on his mind.

Whether that's because he still wants the control/source of supply he had with you - that must be pretty intoxicating to someone like him - or because he's playing nice in order to get close enough to get revenge I wouldn't know, but I do not think there's any healthy reason he would get in touch.

Think it through:

• healthy thoughts: I really fucked her over, I should stay out of her life and let her heal. I should focus on my own personal growth and issues before even considering being in a relationship again, and that's years away since I've just been in prison and rehab/therapy opportunities there are limited.

• also in his own self interest - breach of restraining order would see him sent back to prison, so for his own protection if he had healthy motives, he'd stay away.

• if there are children, healthy would be attending supervised contact to prove he can be safe

-unhealthy thoughts: revenge, desire to be in control, anger at being in prison, "she deserves it", I can't be alone, she's "mine" so I must have control of her, I'm so obsessed and fixated that I risk prison to contact her. Also possibly lack of money/job as prison record, so wants you to feed and house him. And if that's true then frustration also more likely to lead to anger and violence down the line.

There is no healthy reason for him to contact you.
Contact the police to let them know he has, move house etc if possible so he doesn't know where you are, and then look at therapy for yourself to address the trauma bond you still have with him.

I'm so sorry for you, but really, never never never go back, don't get in contact, don't open the metaphorical door to him even a crack, it's so dangerous for you.

does it really matter if he does love you? I think this is the problem with people saying that abusers dont love. Its wrong, Yes he probably did /maybe does love you But that doesnt make him a good person, hes a horrible person with a messed up head that attacks woman got nothing to do with feeling love for someone!

They dont change. For anyone no matter what tehey feel for them

He wants to get you back on side so he can do the job properly this time and kill you OP.

100% this. Read every word carefully and take note because this poster is absolutely right.

He’s probably playing games with your head to lure you into a false sense of security so when he comes out he could absolutely batter you senseless as revenge for his sentencing.

In prison he’s probably got cell mates that have told him he’s not in the wrong etc and gave him advice on how to lure you in with manipulation tactics. It’s a toxic environment with toxic masculinity in these prisons.

You are risking your life doing this and thinking these thoughts, you need to contact the police and let them know he’s contacted you it would stop him getting released early into his sentencing you if you do the right thing and contact the police.

Men like this do not change and for him to get 8 years that’s some serious violent offending.

Do the freedom programme and some serious counselling so you recognise the dangers these types of men are to you, and please contact woman’s aid as well.

OP the fact in your opening post it says it was the both of you screams volumes to me that you haven’t taken the time to educate yourself on abuse, trauma bonding and the trauma long lasting abuse can leave on a victim.

Don’t contact him again and do the right thing and get some help and support.

You need to phone the police right now and report this.

He’s risked contracting you because he believes you will take him back. Then he really will have you exactly where he wants you.
In all likelihood he will kill you. He believes you got him banged up in prison although it was his violence that did that. Therefore you need to be punished but he will enjoy the manipulation and sex for a bit first.

A man that got 8 years could easily kill you. I was in hospital and he only got a suspended sentence, 8 years must have been extreme violence.

Report the contact and hope they keep him locked up as long as possible. Do not believe anything this man says.

Said with the sole intent of keeping you alive, rather than being just another two line mention in the local rag as 'Mum of two dead, man arrested';

Don't be so fucking stupid.

This can’t be real. No one is this mind numbingly stupid in real life, surely.

had every reason to hate me for the sentence he got , why’s he still saying he loves me and can’t forget me ,

Because he wants to CONTROL you. He knows if he approaches you aggressively he will be at risk. This way his defence is ‘look, she lives me, she is asking me back, it’s all on her, I’m not breaking the order’.

OP, it is not safe for you to be with this man. It is not emotionally safe to live with someone whose violence was so great that he got such a sentence.

Have you got kids? You know they could be removed to care if you take him back?

Please get counselling and support. Do the Freedom Programme .

Do not have contact with him. Report his approach and block him.

Maybe you can reminisce about old times together, either you are playing games or incredibly gullible or deserve each other