Ex got 8 years in prison for Dv , he’s contacted me and still wants to be with me after 3 years

[LouiseShard]

My ex went to prison for dv he got 8 years and I have a restraining order . It’s been 3 years and he got back in contact with me and I was so happy he did as I missed him despite all the Dv I know it was both of us why everything happened . He’s said he’s a changed man and can see he’s wrongs and is working so hard to fix everything he did wrong taking courses etc. am I being naive, can someone actually change should I give him another chance , I feel like he does love me to risk contacting me after everything he could have moved on and had every reason to hate me for the sentence he got , why’s he still saying he loves me and can’t forget me , advice please be kind

He must have done something pretty bad to get that long! Of course you run a mile! He's in contact because he's lonely and no one else will touch him with a barge pole. He knows the risks of simply sending a message is low, especially as (currently) they are non threatening. ex used to send messages while on a restraining order all the time. He just said it wasn't him or gave no comment interviews and nothing more was done as apparently they couldn't prove it - others could have access to his phone etc 🙄.

Sadly you may become a statistic op

Is that your worth?
My friend's dh went to jail for killing a man. Police and other bodies put lots of measures in place to keep her and their dc safe when his release was near. Turns out she was in contact all along. I walked away once I clicked.. Likely she has taken him back I don't know. Speak to a Dr op and tell them you seek therapy. Don't be fooled. He hasn't changed. Only got more cunning.

This is what you need to do. Report him for contacting you, show him that you are not weak and that you are not going to forgive/ forget. He obviously hasn’t changed and doesn’t understand actions have consequences if he would contact you against his restraining order. He should have to do his whole sentence as he clearly hasn’t changed or learnt anything, if he had he’d know how much he’d hurt you, know what he did was unforgivable and wouldn’t even think about contacting you. He obviously thinks what he did wasn’t that bad if he thinks you’d have him back, that doesn’t sound like a changed man it sounds like a man who will make excuses if he hurt you again in future as to why it wasn’t his fault.

He’s had 3 years to sit and think of all the ways he can hurt you and ruin your life all over again…because how dare you do this to him, how dare you inconvenience him by getting him convicted for HIS crime.
OP he’s checking you haven’t moved on that’s all - please don’t fall for it, i know it’s hard but remember how well he knows you, and how he knows all the right things to say.
Please report this to avoid it happening again, i’m so sorry he’s been able to get in touch.

When he is released from prison he will be on licence. He will have licence conditions telling him he is not allowed to have contact with you and where he has to live. If he breaches this he will be recalled to prison.

Report the breach of the Restraining Order to police now and report all other contacts.

Try and find somewhere in your area that offers the Freedom Program. Go on it, learn from it and move on.

Please please please tell someone. Do you have a support worker at the moment?

If they are considering releasing him I think this might change that.

he got back in contact with me and I was so happy he did as I missed him despite all the Dv I know it was both of us why everything happened

I got him put away for so long and literally threw every bit of evidence I could at him and even went to court and sat in front of him to get sentenced

I can get him in trouble because of the restraining order it makes no sense to me

OP your toxic as fuck & hes abusive as fuck but you can move on with your life - hes serving 8 years with nothing to do & nobody to meet while constantly having it drummed into him that he's at fault & he's responsible for everything via 'courses' & confinements

For your own sake & his cut ties & move on because when this enivitably kicks off & you throw the threat of reporting him & having him sent back to jail with screenshots in his face he will beat the shit out of you...

You need therapy. This is not a normal thought process and is part of your trauma related to the abuse. He also needs reporting for making contact. You are not, and never will be, safe with him.

He hasn't changed.
He's breaking the law by contacting you. This isn't for love. It's for power and to test if he can still control you.

Can you imagine living happily ever after when he gets out? Or will he use the fact that you sent him to prison to give himself another reason to batter you.

This isn't love.

Screenshot and report to the police and take the time he is in prison to gain your power back. Learn how to be stronger inside. You clearly have strength as you were able to report him the last time.

Tell someone in real life what he has done and how it has confused you.

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

OP please, please get some counselling, urgently.

This man does not love you.

But for arguments sake, let’s say he has made progress. If you did get back together, it is way too easy to slip back into old habits.

He will most likely kill you sooner or later. That's a proven statistic for men this violent.
Kindly? DO YOU WANT TO DIE? It is as simple as that and no man on this good earth is worth that.

Please seek some help in working on your self-esteem. He wishes to use and abuse you again.

Because he wants to kill you.

Some women really are their own worst enemy. 🙄

Report report report

Are you insane ? Do you want to die ? 8 years isn't for something small .....

Please run far and fast, otherwise sadly you will become another statistic as your chances of survival are very low. Such a long sentence means that what your ex did was absolutely terrible.

It’s not heroic that he “risked” getting in touch. It’s called CONTROL OP- and seems it’s starting to work on you all over again. ALL ABOUT CONTROL. Abusers need control. They will do anything it takes to manipulate back to get that control back- he’ll come as cross as loving & kind as possible.
Do not be blind & stupid. Like someone else said- get back with him if you are willing to die. Because you will.

Be kind my arse. Get a fucking grip.

He's using you OP. He's either thinking about parole and thinks it would help him to get a forgiving witness statement from you or he's missing female interaction and thinks you'll do. If he cared about you it wouldn't have taken him 3 years to get in touch, would it?
To get 8 years he must have seriously harmed you. You're lucky he didn't kill you. The law accepts he's dangerous and had locked him away and ordered him to stay away from you. Is your life worth so little to you you'd give him a chance to finish what he started?
Have you had counselling at all? You should contact women's aid and talk this through with women who understand and can advise you.

op

as someone who works in prison please don’t be so naive

the fact he’s contacted you isn’t good or lovely or a sign he’s risking it all for you!

its a sign he doesn’t have regrets, he doesn’t face consequences, he doesn’t respect you or the law, he puts others at risk inc the cell mate and girlfriend. He thinks he’s above all of that. Frankly he’s an idiot

this is not honourable behaviour - it’s got red flags all over. I hope to god someone finds out he’s been in touch as 3 years later he’s learnt nothing

Had it occurred to you that he could be plotting his revenge?

He’s planning your murder.

He can't really move on, being in prison can he? So he's super focused on you.
What I would like to point out, firstly is that: He still does not care about what is legal, and what is not. He is acting outside of the law to you, in even contacting you.
Seems quite disturbing to me, given that he is still in prison for his illegal actions toward you.
8 years in prison is a long time, so I am going to assume that the abuse was really quite serious.

It's your decision to make, but you need to understand, that man who is professing to change, and love you, loved you when he was beating the shit out of you too.

The only difference, is now you have "wronged" him by pressing charges. In this situation I would say that piece of information, instead of acting as a safeguarding factor would put you in a greater sense of danger.

If he thinks that you are going to tell for the level of abuse you have already faced, he might think he faces greater chances of not being caught and going back to prison if he makes you more fearful, or shuts you up permanently.

You should probably contact a DV charity and ask for their opinion. They'll have stats and experience of dealing with this exact situation.

Please though, take from this that the law that says he cannot contact you is for your own protection. If he was a changed man he would be following that law. He isn't and doesn't care what laws are in place to protect you. He will do exactly as he wants.

Oh god OP, I don't know where to start, are you really that desperate to be with a man that you're willing to risk being killed? All that trauma of the court case and for what? So you can welcome him back as if nothing's happened? There are far better men out there and you need to work on your self esteem because your bar is really really low.

Also, men breaking orders like this so common

its no wander the police seem hesitant to get involved with dv when so many people ask for protection and then go back. So disappointing when success rates low too.

people like you are letting whole system down

Or her children, if she has any.

The ultimate revenge - even worse than killing her.