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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex got 8 years in prison for Dv , he’s contacted me and still wants to be with me after 3 years

191 replies

LouiseShard · 07/01/2024 10:37

My ex went to prison for dv he got 8 years and I have a restraining order . It’s been 3 years and he got back in contact with me and I was so happy he did as I missed him despite all the Dv I know it was both of us why everything happened . He’s said he’s a changed man and can see he’s wrongs and is working so hard to fix everything he did wrong taking courses etc. am I being naive, can someone actually change should I give him another chance , I feel like he does love me to risk contacting me after everything he could have moved on and had every reason to hate me for the sentence he got , why’s he still saying he loves me and can’t forget me , advice please be kind

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 07/01/2024 12:11

Do you know which prison he is in? Contact the prison and tell them that he is harassing you via a third party. Ideally you should speak to his Prison Offender Manager, in the Offender Management Unit. This behaviour is taken very seriously by prisons and probation, because it shows he has not reduced his risk in any meaningful way.

Blobblobblob · 07/01/2024 12:13

I had a friend like you

She's dead

Her kids saw it all

Please listen to the police officer who posted, that was great advice

Allelbowsandtoes · 07/01/2024 12:13

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Because he's a man that does not give a fuck about risks and the consequences of his actions. Which makes him very very dangerous

CharlieBoo · 07/01/2024 12:16

please protect yourself and any children you may have from this man. He is an abuser, a liar and a fantasist. You went through all that for what? Already you are minimising what he has done to you.. do you really want him knocking on your door when he gets out?

Eaglemom · 07/01/2024 12:17

he is starting work on you in preparation for fitting out, worming his way back in and then in all likelihood killing you. It’s that serious. You are willing to take a risk on getting abused and even killed by someone who has already seriously abused you to the extent they got 8 years all because they sent you a message when the aren’t allowed? You are desperately hoping him taking this risk means he’s a changed man and loves you and you will live happily ever after? He’s contacted you because he doesn’t give a shot about anything but getting his revenge and you are falling for it. Don’t do it OP. Protect yourself at all costs. Report this to the prison ASAP.

LouiseShard · 07/01/2024 12:18

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LouiseShard · 07/01/2024 12:21

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Eaglemom · 07/01/2024 12:22

Just to add that there is not one man on earth who has batterered their partner, gone to prison for it and come out a lovely safe fluffy caring partner. . But thousands that have managed to get back in the partners head, let them think it was their fault too got back in there lives and ended up killing them. This person is not going to be the exception. I truly hope you realise this.

PonyPatter44 · 07/01/2024 12:28

@Ireneking if you need some support with the process, I am very happy to help. I'm a prison manager, and dealing with unwanted contacts is part of my actual job. You are welcome to PM me if you like.

Mummyratbag · 07/01/2024 12:30

OP - please don't feel beaten by the comments. People are horrified and terrified for you and your children. They are frustrated that you can't see how dangerous this is and are considering he may have changed. People here want you to be safe and feel helpless at a distance! Well that is how I feel. I hear what the Police Officer on here said about it being hard when these men are very convincing. Please please please keep you and your kids safe. You have been so brave to go to court the first time, you have the strength to keep away. Believe you are worth more.

Abbimae · 07/01/2024 12:30

Please be kind=tell me what I want to hear

are you actually mad? You sound exactly like someone who was manipulated saying it was ‘both of you’. People don’t go to prison for nothing.

Abbimae · 07/01/2024 12:32

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OP yet you posted this and get hurt when people try to help you? What did you want people to say? Take back the person that beat you?

LouiseShard · 07/01/2024 12:34

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RedToothBrush · 07/01/2024 12:45

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I have to say I'm worried regardless. As a previous poster said he is acting like he owns you and if he can't have you no one will.

That makes any contact dangerous.

As other posters say, getting back with him isn't an option. If you do, you'll lose your kids if you don't end up dead.

And I'd be concerned about harassment and stalking after he gets out and the best way to protect yourself from both is to report.

The idea that you have choices here is crazy. Your choice is to have a life and for you kids to have a life or to lose all that. What choice is that?

He is a manipulative man to even try this and you are extremely vulnerable. Get the help you need and don't look back. Look forward and make plans for YOU not with anyone but your kids.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/01/2024 12:48

So, will you give up your children for him?

Despite the inevitable claims about wanting to protect the children, it may be that if she allows him back OP will have no choice

Speaking generally Social Services don't remove children lightly, but in cases of real and obvious risk it's still quite rightly done, especially if faced with a parent who doesn't want to hear it and prioritises the relationship above them

FWIW I also feel for both them and the police in these kind of cases. They get a lot of stick for their many mistakes, but it can't be easy to put in all the work to get someone put away and then see things turn this way

Technonan · 07/01/2024 12:52

I left my violent husband. He didn't get jailed, but I did get an injunction, very hard in those days, and was I ever the villain! His family were furious with me, and then once he reckoned they'd softened me up, he came creeping back with all sorts of promises about how it would be different, he'd be a good husband, he wanted a chance to be a good dad etc etc.

I understand how tempting it can be. I was broke, on my own with my young son living in sub-standard accommodation and with as much self-esteem as a long-dead mackerel. Having him back looked weirdly like some kind of security. But I managed to keep hold of a tiny bit of self-preservation and told the police he'd broken the order. Cue rage, fury, threats from his family, and from him via them. This was a long time ago, and the support wasn't there in those days. I came so close... I do understand. But I managed to keep away.

It stopped evetually. I got some training and a job which helped my situation, I realised I could live independently, and I met a wonderful older man, married him and we were very happy. He died recently, but that doesn't take away the happiness we had. Ex-H remarried and has never shown any interest in our son, which shows how sincere he was then. Whetner he reamined violent I don't know.

There is a future without this man. You don't love him, not really, he has made you feel some kind of responsibility for him - he's manipulating you. There is a future worth having. It could be on your own with your children, it could be in a good relationship, it could be anything. Don't let this violent, dangerous and manipulative man take it away.

caramac04 · 07/01/2024 13:09

Alwaysanotherwine · 07/01/2024 11:10

op

as someone who works in prison please don’t be so naive

the fact he’s contacted you isn’t good or lovely or a sign he’s risking it all for you!

its a sign he doesn’t have regrets, he doesn’t face consequences, he doesn’t respect you or the law, he puts others at risk inc the cell mate and girlfriend. He thinks he’s above all of that. Frankly he’s an idiot

this is not honourable behaviour - it’s got red flags all over. I hope to god someone finds out he’s been in touch as 3 years later he’s learnt nothing

This in spades. He does not have normal thinking processes and I’m not sure you have.
Please believe how much danger you are in. He is cold and calculating. You will never be safe with him.
Report to the police and block all contact.

Butterflyrainbow12 · 07/01/2024 13:30

considering the shocking conviction rates for DV the fact that he has not only been convicted but for 8 years speaks volumes. I’m probably will word this very badly but 8 years seems an awful lot in comparison to what I’ve seen or heard before. Those cases were horrible, shocking and nowhere near long enough so for him to get 8 it much have been worse?! I’m thinking you are feeling this way because he still has a hold over you. You need to get help, inform the police about his contact, wipe him out again completely. This is bad news and as others have said he could be out in as little as a year and soon enough it will be you in the news. Your children will lose their mother one way or another if you maintain contact with him.

Rachie1973 · 07/01/2024 13:33

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This is not a genuine user.

If you can’t handle faceless strangers telling you the truth how in gods name are you planning on handling him when he comes out in person, on your doorstep?

You HAVE to toughen up, lose the victim mentality and be a Mum and a grown up ffs. Stop mooning around over someone who will physically harm you or your children, if not kill you. The facts are easily available on DV offenders, go read about the women that let their abusers back into their lives.

Report the injunction breach, keep him in prison away from you and those you love for as long as possible. Show him you won’t be doing this.

Toddlerteaplease · 07/01/2024 13:45

8 years is a significant sentence. Block and run. And if you have children, you will loose them,

PickledPegs · 07/01/2024 13:56

I think you know you can’t take him back OP. Your children are the most important thing in the world to you - you can’t invite back into your life someone who will hurt you and could hurt them.

You could also very seriously risk losing them to social services, who won’t allow children to live in a home where they’re exposed to domestic violence.

Your abusive ex has tricked and flattered you into seeing a rose tinted future where he has changed and you can be a happy family. It’s a lie. He will continue to abuse you and your children will be removed from the situation.

You have been amazingly brave and strong so far. A dangerous man is in prison and is prevented from hurting others because of you. Hold onto that bravery and block any form of contact from him. You also need to report him to the police for breaching the restraining order.

LouOver · 07/01/2024 13:56

Op one of your replies you mentioned he's up for parole this year.. I would put money on he is looking to see if you would support that. Instead inform the police he's been contacting you and violating the restraining order.

I feel incredible sorry for you as I expect this man has completely rewired your brain into understanding what love it. You need ongoing counselling, please contact the police and womens aids and your GP. Whilst some of the waits are high you would at least hopefully be in counselling before worse case scenario this monster is released as you need someone in real life yelling you not to go back to him.

everythingthelighttouches · 07/01/2024 13:59

Sounds like the state had to take action to prevent a murder if he got 8 years.

I can’t judge you op, as I have never been in your shoes and can’t imagine the trauma and disordered thinking you must have (mental health issues too?)

It sounds like you are an extremely vulnerable person and so are your children.

If you have been offered any kind of support/contact, please use it because you need it very badly right now.

Hankunamatata · 07/01/2024 14:02

OP please go and do the freedom programme.
He may have been the love of your life BUT doesn't mean it was a healthy relationship for either of you

Maray1967 · 07/01/2024 14:05

Focus on your children and report him immediately. Draw a line and move on. He is dangerous to be around, and you shouldn’t be wasting time trying to work out why he’s contacting you. Whatever his motives are, focus on your DC and you. Get him out of your life for good.