DH "giving me a lay in"... AIBU?

[LancashireSquirrel]

I don't think I am but still...

DHs idea of me having a lay in, is telling the DC that mummy is having a lay in today. And then continues to lay in bed while the DC get louder and chattier. Then I get up because they ask for breakfast, only THEN does he get up and tell me IABU because I got up!! WTF?!

I then call him out on his behaviour, telling him if he wants to give me a lay in, he needs to physically GET UP.

He then stomps off downstairs (leaving the DC upstairs with me!). I then take the DC downstairs and ask him what that was about. He then goes on to say "I can't win blah blah blah". I rage at him (quietly!) telling him how dare he put this on me, as if it's MY fault for getting up!!!

AIBU?! Surely if you want to give someone a lay in... you need to get up, and not gaslight them into making out like they were the ones who got up first?!

This is fabulous and so well said. None of the easy to get into antagonism, just saying it as it so often is-without any blame. This can be completely diffusing for an already stressed poster and lead to a happy conclusion. You can come again

I sympathise entirely. When he DC were very young I would be the one who would always get up if they woke in the night. After maybe three or four times I’d say to my now exDH that it must be his turn. His way of dealing with them waking was not to get up out of bed and shush them or comfort them or whatever but instead to shout at the top of his lungs to “GO BACK TO SLEEP!!!” Which of course woke everyone up including me! Surely the point of being the one to get up is to let your DP sleep while you deal with the night time waking. No point him doing it if all he’s going to to do is shout in my ear hole!

His turns were just shit. No better than me just actually getting up. Sounds like your DH is of the same school. Rubbish and not helpful or kind in any way.!

Oh yes also because I am better at getting up apparently there was no point in us taking turns to lie in on the weekend as I didn’t need or want a lie in. If I insisted on having one then I was only doing it to spite him as I didn’t really want one anyway! Apparently.

As I said, he is now my exDH.

Feel your pain
Ex husband would do this ALL the time to me.
One of the reasons he is now an ex!
Well done for pulling him up on it OP

@LancashireSquirrel you are also not pronouncing it correctly! it is pronounced lie in. your hubby was not laying there either! he was lying there!!!!

YANBU

@2jacqi jeez I get it!!! Lots of people have corrected me upthread which I have graciously accepted. There really is no need to keep going on now. Please.

Why are you married??? You're the complete opposite of any happily married couple. Maybe because husband and I have been through everything, including losing a child, and just happily married for over 20 years. But why are you and husband together? Wake up. You need to be a team. You needs to work together. You should also care about your partner having rest. You know these things when you're in a good team. Why are you both so lost?

YANBU at all. My partner won’t even make a big deal of giving me a lie in he will just do it. He will quietly take the babies downstairs. I sleep like a log because of my anti anxiety medication, honestly nothing wakes me up if I’m not ready! Next thing I know I’ve woke up at 9am in an empty room! Your partner is a bit shit, sorry.

People waffling on about lay in vs lie in. Get a life. It’s a colloquialism

Sorry. I am one of them. I am a spelling and grammar freak and I can be a real cow about it sometimes. I regretted it when I posted it.
YANBu , I am on your side and your DH is a twat. Loads of good advice on here.
Apologies again 😢

People always bang on about lie in being correct, but arguably "lay in" actually makes more sense - "I lay in bed until later than usual".

That would be “I laid in bed” if in the past tense.

People always bang on about lie in being correct, but arguably "lay in" actually makes more sense - "I lay in bed until later than usual".

It absolutely doesn't make more sense. It's putting it in the past tense for no reason. It's like saying a push-up should be called a pushed up. Or a call-out should be a called out. People bang on about it being correct because it is correct.

Your husband is a twat.

I grew up saying lay-in rather than lie-in. It was what everyone said around me (south-east England). Perhaps there is a regional element to it.

No, it wouldn't. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/lay-or-lie

“Lay in” is correct because people use it, others understand it and that’s how language works.

There are no rules to determine how a verb should become a noun.

”Lie in” is more standard and also correct.

“Lay in” is correct because people use it, others understand it and that’s how language works.

I know how language works, thanks. I'm a languages teacher. Would you say that all the grammar and spelling mistakes that people regularly make are correct then?

I would say that there is a difference between a mistake and a non-standard form.

If my Yorkshire friend writes “It waz a nice day yesterday” they have made a spelling mistake.

If my Yorkshire friend says “It were a nice day yesterday”, they are not making a grammatical mistake. They are speaking in their local, non-standard dialect.

Grammar aside. It's kinda sad we all have to train our men to be thoughtful life partners and not selfish dicks. But that's the dawning reality for many of us... We have to step in where their mothers have failed. I'd also call out and take issue with the "I can't win" statement. It's not a competition. He doesn't win by you conceding defeat (or vice-versa). You're both in this together and need to agree what good looks like (eg a lie-in = lying in bed, dozing uninterrupted and undisturbed until you alone decide it's time for you to get up and rejoin the rest of the household. And you're able to do that because the other partner has whisked the DC into another part of the house as soon as they surface, dealt with all their needs and shown them how to respect another person by being quiet and leaving you alone for a few hours). Lets hope our DSs will make better husbands in the future because we take responsibility for teaching them respect for other family members from a young age.

@McYummy I have to correct something in your post; you say "we have to step in where their mother's failed"

But surely it's the fathers who failed, just as these fathers are failing their own DC?

If the fathers were positive role models of parenting and equality (& not misogynistic arseholes) then their sons would replicate their behaviour when they were adults.

The fault for men's bad behaviour should not always be laid at women's feet.

*mothers have failed

I’m thinking that the sons won’t be much better… They see their dads behaviour and model their own off theirs! They also see their mothers staying with these role models…. So it doesn’t matter what mothers ‘say’ to their sons about the way their dads act… it’s what we do… and if we stay with these men than our sons see and remember a man’s role as what their dads ‘got away with’..

So once again men's shitty behaviour is the responsibility of women?

Not their fathers, not the adult man's failure to take responsibility and respect their partner but its all the fault of the nearest woman.

I've said before on here - the bar for male responsibility is so bloody low a snake would struggle to limbo underneath it.