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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH "giving me a lay in"... AIBU?

229 replies

LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 08:39

I don't think I am but still...

DHs idea of me having a lay in, is telling the DC that mummy is having a lay in today. And then continues to lay in bed while the DC get louder and chattier. Then I get up because they ask for breakfast, only THEN does he get up and tell me IABU because I got up!! WTF?!

I then call him out on his behaviour, telling him if he wants to give me a lay in, he needs to physically GET UP.

He then stomps off downstairs (leaving the DC upstairs with me!). I then take the DC downstairs and ask him what that was about. He then goes on to say "I can't win blah blah blah". I rage at him (quietly!) telling him how dare he put this on me, as if it's MY fault for getting up!!!

AIBU?! Surely if you want to give someone a lay in... you need to get up, and not gaslight them into making out like they were the ones who got up first?!

OP posts:
Toastcrumbsinsofa · 07/01/2024 12:02

@LancashireSquirrel I divorced my first husband many years ago for stuff like this when our children were small. As @Ju1ieAndrews said, I got regular proper weekend lie ins (lay ins) and a break once he had the DC every other weekend. My life was so much easier in many ways after we separated.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 07/01/2024 12:02

I think many men don’t understand what women like and really need it spelling out.

I don't buy that. Wanting a lie-in, or time to yourself, or not to have to do a the work yourself, or wanting your partner to occasionally do something nice for you on your birthday etc, are not traits peculiar to women. These men simply can't be arsed. They put their own desires first, because they can get away with it. Not all men, obviously.

SighthoundSusie · 07/01/2024 12:03

On your next lie in suggest you book a night in a hotel.

"BYE BYE darlings, see you all when I'm back from my lie in tomorrow. Probably back around lunchtime."

Mouseinthehouse24 · 07/01/2024 12:09

Each to their own I suppose but I’m not going to waste my one life on earth teaching someone how to behave!

Strawberrycocktail · 07/01/2024 12:09

As you say he had done this lots of times I would be included to say that from now on when it is your turn for a lie in you will be staying at XYZ hotel for the night to ensure you get your lie in and he takes responsibility for the DC! He won't like that because of the cost but he has demonstrated it is the only way you will get a lie in!

Katbum · 07/01/2024 12:19

YANBU. My DH tries this shit but I give it short shrift. ‘DC needs breakfast you have to get up NOW and make it’. Unless your DH is a moron he knows he’s in the wrong so don’t let him gaslight you.

Mostlyoblivious · 07/01/2024 12:22

Can you spill your drink on him accidentally…?

He sounds like a petulant teenager.

Herewegoroundthebastardbush nailed it really, as did the person who said about the bigger underlying behavioural pattern - good luck and very well played re baileys hot choc in the bath!

NWQM · 07/01/2024 12:37

To be honest I don't think it's so that he can say he tried IE that he put that much thought into it. Presumably you get up every other weekend day to see to the needs of others and their safety. He just doesn't see it because he doesn't want to. Don't be fooled by 'well I was asleep'......he knows little humans need to be kept safe and need to be feed. He knows you do it. I only partly agree that you should have to lay the boundaries as clearly you do but know that it is total ridiculous to think that a grown man doesn't understand.
Keep in mind if you can that far from giving you anything you he taking his turn. If you choose to get up and climb a mountain when he is doing his turn that's up to you. You would like to sleep. You couldn't and that's on him.

lastchristmas80 · 07/01/2024 12:46

A real lay in is where the child is taken out to early morning soft play (some other kiddo hotspot), then taken for lunch, maybe a museum and home for dinner at 5pm. I get ‘lay ins’ too, but sadly our walls are paper thin, so I can hear each request loud and clear - SO RELAXING! 😬

chaosmaker · 07/01/2024 12:46

@AllProperTeaIsTheft I'd have persuaded him out of the bed with my foot :)

ObviouslyNameChanging · 07/01/2024 12:50

That’s really really rubbish that he isn’t offering to help you and seeing your struggling and wanting to help. And he knows he deliberately didn’t get up, and that of course it isn’t a bloody lie in (extra sleep time or whatever I supposed to call it) as you are fucking awake!

SantaBarbaraMonica · 07/01/2024 13:00

He’s a prick. My DH has done similar but not quite as bad as he looks sheepish and I know he’s just used to leaving dealing with the kids till he ABSOLUTELY has to. But that results in them disturbing me while he prepares to switch on duty at his own pace.

Tell your DH the ask has changed. It’s now to make sure mummy doesn’t so much as get woken by anything or anyone one of the weekend mornings every week. If you wake, he has failed and is a knob. Simple.

astarsheis · 07/01/2024 13:03

I wouldn't mince my words and tell him to get his fucking arse out of bed and go look after his kids. Sounds like you're pussyfooting around too much.

Original poster
LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 13:19

Thanks everyone. Amazing, helpful replies which has made me feel better. I'm still cross but he will NEVER apologise. He just carries on as normal hoping I'll forget and move on which I normally do but not this time. I can't even look at him.

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 07/01/2024 13:21

Is there a spare room you can sleep in when it’s your lie in. Physically bar the door, put headphones in and sleep away.

SighthoundSusie · 07/01/2024 13:24

If he really valued you then he would be doing his equal share and behaving responsibly by taking the children out of the bedroom.

To not do so is selfish and speaks volumes.

I would be crystal clear with him about your expectations and what is fair and what isn't.

How would he react to you treating him the way he has treated you on his lie in days?

If he can't play nice then clearly nobody should get lie in days if it's not equal.

He's not a team player and parenting when there are two parents who are parenting together it has to be a team effort.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 07/01/2024 13:24

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 07/01/2024 09:07

He is a twat and YANBU. BUT, you are married to him and have kids with him so it's either kill him dead or manage him.

Next time, DO NOT GET UP. You are a rock, a stone, a fallen tree who could no more get up than you could leap in the air and fly. It is not happening until you've had a good 30 minutes alone in bed. The end.

When the children come in, tell him explicitly " I am having the lie in you promised me. Get up and take them downstairs for breakfast right now." Don't argue, don't get upset. Don't say or do anything that give him the excuse to strop. Just remind him what his job is in words of one syllable, roll over and leave him to it.

If he prevaricates, pretends to be asleep, says in a minute, and the kids start whining for food, STILL DO NOT GET UP. You are OFF DUTY. Set the kids on him. To every single thing they say "ask Daddy. Tell Daddy. Daddy will do it." Until eventually it will be more trouble for him not to get up than just to get up. Do not allow yourself to feel mum guilt if they get upset, want you, he's ignoring them etc. they will survive, they know you love them, they know they can count on you for their needs to be met, from the every other time you have showed up for them. Today it is HIS JOB. Do NOT let him wiggle out of it.

Basically he's not going to do the right thing because he loves you and knows it's the right thing to do. He's selfish. Doesn't mean he's a monster. Many many many men are selfish at core it's the way society raises them, to always put themselves and their needs front and centre. Whereas women are raised to always put themselves at the back of the queue in everything. We have to fight against our conditioning because they sure as shit aren't going to fight against theirs - why would they, it benefits them.

What men mean by love is very different in my experience to what women mean. I think probably most men are more likely to jump in front of a bus/axe-wielding maniac for their family than they are to ever put the work into those daily acts of service, consideration, care, all the thinking and worrying about others that make up a woman's existence. It's probably evolution. But it's also a fucking disappointment after growing up in films and books where the fictional men are thoughtful, tender, kind and romantic. Not the reality for the vast majority of men (and yes incoming 100 posters, I know your Nigel does everything round the house and brings you a cup of tea in bed and flowers every day, well done you, im not talking about him).

This. He's playing get out of bed chicken. The only way to win is to make it more uncomfortable for him to stay in bed than he's making it for you. Some people are incapable of logical rational discussion.

The first few times you will not get the sleep you need but at first it's about training him that it's more uncomfortable to stay in bed than to get up. That's exactly what he's done to you which is why you just get up, so don't feel guilty doing it back.

wronginalltherightways · 07/01/2024 13:32

Bed chicken

Yep

It is a thing for some men and he's being a twat.

I'm sorry he won't see reason.

ClaudiaWinklemansEyeliner · 07/01/2024 13:37

Then you really would be having a lay-in

I'll see myself out.

Barrante87 · 07/01/2024 13:42

Sorry I've not RTFT but how long have you called his bluff for?

I'd be interested in how long he would stay in bed. Could you not make note of the time, wait him out, and then when your DC asks for breakfast tell them daddy is getting up with them now.

Surely eventually your DH would have to get up if he doesn't want to starve them.

And then if not you can say "it was forty minutes since you said you were getting up, twenty minutes since DC asked for something to eat, and now they've started crying because they're being ignored so I have literally no choice but to get up as you are being neglectful to the child you are supposed to be responsible for this morning."

I mean if he would literally lie in bed as your hungry child cries for food I would find that concerning as well as clear evidence that he is not giving you a lie in. I'm not sure how he could refute that. There is no reason to leave them hungry other than he's waiting for you to get up and do it.

24istheyear · 07/01/2024 13:51

My DH does EXACTLY the same. Sunday is meant to be my lie in day yet he doesn't wake when the DC wake (toddlers), so I wake him up and ask him to take them downstairs. He mumbles "fuck sake" , "I'm getting up now, just give me a minute" while the kids get more impatient. I end up taking them downstairs and then he joins us. I tried to talk to him about it and he says I'm being a martyr and he can't help I wake up when they shout out and he's getting up just slowly.

There is another thread from me on the divorce forum. I have had enough on the low level selfishness and lack of understanding. It isn't just the lack of lie in, its symbolic of much bigger problems

Motnight · 07/01/2024 14:06

TheOriginalFrench · 07/01/2024 08:44

What a stupid man.

Does he truly not understand what his role is if you are to rest?

I don't think that he is stupid. He is deliberately doing this so Op will stop requesting a lie in at all.

TheBeef · 07/01/2024 14:07

I think you need to be clear.

From now on we will take a morning each weekend. A lie in will be until tbc am. The other person will take the DC downstairs as soon as own of them stirs to not disturb the other person. They will set the tone for what happens when it's their turn.

I would pick the first Saturday to lie in. I would definitely take note of the time the DC stirred, asked for food and when DH went downstairs.

When DC were little, 11am was the time the other person was up, showered and ready to take over. The other person could then take 1.5 hours to feck about and get showered. I got the DC ready and took them to the park and library. DH usually took them to the shops and the park. We still had the afternoons to do something together.

TheBeef · 07/01/2024 14:13

How old are your DC?

We took ours out because they could not be expected to be quiet for 5 hours. They were expected to keep it down first thing. No tablets allowed until after 10am meant they were more likely to sleep in. Well once they are 5 or so. Ours were very early risers until 5, it was really challenging. We need those few hours to recharge for the week.

TheShellBeach · 07/01/2024 14:17

That’s really really rubbish that he isn’t offering to help you and seeing you're struggling and not wanting to help

A man who cares for his own children is not "helping" his wife/partner.

He is doing his (hopefully equal) share of parenting the children.

The mother is not the default parent where child-rearing is concerned.