DH "giving me a lay in"... AIBU?

[LancashireSquirrel]

I don't think I am but still...

DHs idea of me having a lay in, is telling the DC that mummy is having a lay in today. And then continues to lay in bed while the DC get louder and chattier. Then I get up because they ask for breakfast, only THEN does he get up and tell me IABU because I got up!! WTF?!

I then call him out on his behaviour, telling him if he wants to give me a lay in, he needs to physically GET UP.

He then stomps off downstairs (leaving the DC upstairs with me!). I then take the DC downstairs and ask him what that was about. He then goes on to say "I can't win blah blah blah". I rage at him (quietly!) telling him how dare he put this on me, as if it's MY fault for getting up!!!

AIBU?! Surely if you want to give someone a lay in... you need to get up, and not gaslight them into making out like they were the ones who got up first?!

I find it incredible how many posters are sharing their stories of their husbands doing the same as OP's. Absolutely shocking. I hope you're all well on the path to either booting them in the bollocks or booting them out the door!

My son is 2 years old and if I don't feel like getting up I simply don't. My husband would never just lie there hearing our child calling for someone and not go to him.

Even if we haven't agreed beforehand who's getting the lie in one of us will get up and leave the other to sleep or just rest in bed. If I feel rested enough and I know my husband needs the sleep I get up. If I'm knackered I stay in bed and my husband gets up. We don't even need to communicate this to each other. We just bloody do it and the lie-ins even out in the end.

Neither of us necessarily knows in advance if we will want to lie in on any given day. We don't plan it ahead of time. If we're both rested we get up together.

I completely agree with you. I don't get it either. DH and I reflected on this other day when I was commenting on some of the things I read on here...bearing in mind we have been married many years and ours are now grown up. One of us would get up and let the other one lay in or sometimes if we both had a busy week we would take it in turns. The same with time out from the family. Both of us respected the fact that we did sports that took us out of the house for a few hours over the weekends. We took it in turns and enjoyed the respective time we had with the DC on our own.
Some of the stuff I read on here about the shit women are willing to put up with it is unbelievable. And who are the women that have raised these fuckwits men? If my DS behaved like that I would be so disappointed and wonder where we went wrong.

“And who are the women that have raised these fuckwits men?”

So all the mothers’ fault then @astarsheis, nothing to do with the dads?

Yanbu. He sounds horrible. He sounds like he's actively trying to be a dick and annoy you on purpose. It actually sounds like he's gaslighting you.

The thing is as @herewegoroundthebastardbush said - men acting like this is through social conditioning and entitlement, but also @herewegoroundthebastardbush gave advice on how to "recondition" them so to speak e..g don't put up with it, zero tolerance

I am trying that approach and its simply creating a hostile home which I don't want my kids to experience

To me it feels more like accept or separate I'm afraid

And I have sons. So I do feel a sense of allowing them to observe either a) their dad be an entitled dick or b) their mum and dad arguing the whole time...

I don't see a reality in which men in their 30s/40s with decades of this ingrained change. You might get them to give their wives a lie in eventually but it will be something different in the future. The entitlement is entrenched.

So when people blame the mums bringing up boys like this...it's the cycle isn't it...mums tolerate it to try and create a harmonious home, sons copy it, their fuutre wife does same...or you go nuclear and stop it all by leaving but with many of these men that comes with its own fucked up stuff of experiencing extreme hostility at such a young age

A lot of people on MN have the answers but there are no easy answers when you find yourself in a marriage/cycle of low level entitlement and low level tolerance....every option is riddled with shit.

Cheery Sunday night stuff.

@LancashireSquirrel

Again, "he was still lying there' He isn't a chicken either....

Wait. Yes he is. He's a male chicken. A cock. 🐓

@SheSaidHummingbird someone already picked me up for that one upthread 😂

Has he always been this thick?

Well, yes it appears so.

How has he treated you today @LancashireSquirrel , any sign of an apology or the hint that he "gets it"?

Nope. None whatsoever. Me and the eldest DC have stayed up to watch a film then I'm going to sleep. If it wasn't for that I would have just gone to bed.

I would definitely NOT encourage the children to jump on him during his next lie in...

Definitely would 😁

So are you going to have an adult conversation with your H about how unacceptable his behaviour is and how he needs to stop with the pathetic behaviour and step up as both a husband and a father?

If you can't talk openly and honestly with your partner in life, is it a relationship worth having?

I'd tell him that's fine. You will now be having your lie in at the local travel lodge and be home around 12

I had this argument as dh can sleep through anything. I ended up shaking him awake and plonking baby on his chest and walking out the house.
After that we had a talk and agreed sleep in rules. If I hear the kids, I nudge him, he gets up immediately and takes them downstairs. Then it's earplugs and sleep noise head phones

Where do these men think they're going to live when they achieve their goal of being completely unnecessary?

Mine moved on to a new partner dutch.
I might be doing everything myself but at least I don't let myself down.

I feel for you (and for the new partner who will learn a tough lesson!). Good riddance though, and I wish you many relaxing lie-ins when the kids are older and you don't have a man-baby hanging off you.

Lazy selfish twat. YANBU.

Kick him out of bed and say "go downstairs with the kids and do not disturb me for any reason, I'm going back to sleep."

Check in to your local premier inn next time!!

@LancashireSquirrel he did it on purpose and you know that as well as we all do!! What an absolute ah! I bet he’s a crap husband and father in a lot of other ways too!!! Is there much point in your relationship??? He’s just taking the piss.

Do you have a Premier Inn nearby?

Sorry but I can’t get past ‘lay in’ rather than ‘lie in’.