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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH "giving me a lay in"... AIBU?

229 replies

LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 08:39

I don't think I am but still...

DHs idea of me having a lay in, is telling the DC that mummy is having a lay in today. And then continues to lay in bed while the DC get louder and chattier. Then I get up because they ask for breakfast, only THEN does he get up and tell me IABU because I got up!! WTF?!

I then call him out on his behaviour, telling him if he wants to give me a lay in, he needs to physically GET UP.

He then stomps off downstairs (leaving the DC upstairs with me!). I then take the DC downstairs and ask him what that was about. He then goes on to say "I can't win blah blah blah". I rage at him (quietly!) telling him how dare he put this on me, as if it's MY fault for getting up!!!

AIBU?! Surely if you want to give someone a lay in... you need to get up, and not gaslight them into making out like they were the ones who got up first?!

OP posts:
LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 08:53

GenXisthebest · 07/01/2024 08:51

How can he refuse to see that he's in the wrong?? He needs to GET UP WITH THE KIDS.

He just keeps saying that he was about to get up but then I got up. I keep pointing out that I got up because he didn't, but he refuses to see my point.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 07/01/2024 08:54

What ages are the DC?

Ellie1015 · 07/01/2024 08:54

He is an arse.

To avoid him having the same excuse next time it shouldn't be called your lay in but his turn to get up (as soon as the children do) and sort their breakfast.

He will likely come up with another excuse but at least he can't pretend you chose to get up and ruined your own lay in.

LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 08:55

Loopytiles · 07/01/2024 08:54

What ages are the DC?

Lower primary age.

OP posts:
susiedaisy1912 · 07/01/2024 08:57

What a lazy bastard. He knows exactly what he's doing. Yanbu

Jollyoldfruit · 07/01/2024 08:58

He’s doing it on purpose.
In future when he wants to lay in open all the bedroom windows and send the dc up with musical instruments.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 07/01/2024 08:58

Ask him when he will be giving you your next lie in then book a room for that night in a cheap hotel and leave him to it.

brainworms · 07/01/2024 08:59

Men continue to be thick as pigshit.

Beamur · 07/01/2024 08:59

He's a twat

Loopytiles · 07/01/2024 09:01

OK so in that case, unless youngest is in reception or any of the DC have additional needs I think you’re both U for not having taught the DC to get their own breakfast, behave well and be quietish on some weekend mornings.

(DH’s behaviour is still crap, mind).

Luddite26 · 07/01/2024 09:01

YANBU. On a Sunday I often see a couple of men separately pushing prams around the area I work and I may be being sexist here but I always hope the mum is having a nice peaceful bath or catching up on sleep. But it's rare there aren't armies of men everywhere I look doing this. There are probably more like your husband.

DappledThings · 07/01/2024 09:01

That's shit behaviour. We get one lie-in each at the weekend. Whoever is getting up gets up with the first child. That meant DH was up at 6.15 yesterday and I didn't get woken till 7 today. Luck of the draw.

But it's lie-in. Not lay-in. You do not lay in your bed you lie in it. Unless you are a chicken.

Jollyoldfruit · 07/01/2024 09:01

LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 08:48

Thanks everyone. He refuses to see he's in the wrong. I'm waiting for an apology that's never coming.

He knows he’s in the wrong. He’s annoyed because you called him out on it.

TheOriginalFrench · 07/01/2024 09:02

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 07/01/2024 08:58

Ask him when he will be giving you your next lie in then book a room for that night in a cheap hotel and leave him to it.

Absolutely this.

(Needn’t be the cheapest hotel, either …)

Doje · 07/01/2024 09:02

DH used to do similar.

I found the key was to prep him the night before. In the morning as the event happens I was too grumpy and he was too grumpy to have a civil conversation about it.

The night before his 'turn' I just asked him to get up quickly with the kids as otherwise I couldn't sleep properly and use my lie in.

LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 09:02

DappledThings · 07/01/2024 09:01

That's shit behaviour. We get one lie-in each at the weekend. Whoever is getting up gets up with the first child. That meant DH was up at 6.15 yesterday and I didn't get woken till 7 today. Luck of the draw.

But it's lie-in. Not lay-in. You do not lay in your bed you lie in it. Unless you are a chicken.

This made me laugh Grin I stand corrected on my spelling.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 07/01/2024 09:03

LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 08:53

He just keeps saying that he was about to get up but then I got up. I keep pointing out that I got up because he didn't, but he refuses to see my point.

I’m petty as fuck, so if my husband ever tried to do that I’d still just stay in bed until he got up, no matter the time, I would then stay there for at least an another hour while he has to sort breakfast etc.

Charles11 · 07/01/2024 09:04

He's obviously clueless.
Explain to him that next time this is how it's going to go - you get up v quietly, take the dc to the kitchen room or living room very quietly, you give them breakfast and do a very quiet activity or take them out quietly.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 07/01/2024 09:07

He is a twat and YANBU. BUT, you are married to him and have kids with him so it's either kill him dead or manage him.

Next time, DO NOT GET UP. You are a rock, a stone, a fallen tree who could no more get up than you could leap in the air and fly. It is not happening until you've had a good 30 minutes alone in bed. The end.

When the children come in, tell him explicitly " I am having the lie in you promised me. Get up and take them downstairs for breakfast right now." Don't argue, don't get upset. Don't say or do anything that give him the excuse to strop. Just remind him what his job is in words of one syllable, roll over and leave him to it.

If he prevaricates, pretends to be asleep, says in a minute, and the kids start whining for food, STILL DO NOT GET UP. You are OFF DUTY. Set the kids on him. To every single thing they say "ask Daddy. Tell Daddy. Daddy will do it." Until eventually it will be more trouble for him not to get up than just to get up. Do not allow yourself to feel mum guilt if they get upset, want you, he's ignoring them etc. they will survive, they know you love them, they know they can count on you for their needs to be met, from the every other time you have showed up for them. Today it is HIS JOB. Do NOT let him wiggle out of it.

Basically he's not going to do the right thing because he loves you and knows it's the right thing to do. He's selfish. Doesn't mean he's a monster. Many many many men are selfish at core it's the way society raises them, to always put themselves and their needs front and centre. Whereas women are raised to always put themselves at the back of the queue in everything. We have to fight against our conditioning because they sure as shit aren't going to fight against theirs - why would they, it benefits them.

What men mean by love is very different in my experience to what women mean. I think probably most men are more likely to jump in front of a bus/axe-wielding maniac for their family than they are to ever put the work into those daily acts of service, consideration, care, all the thinking and worrying about others that make up a woman's existence. It's probably evolution. But it's also a fucking disappointment after growing up in films and books where the fictional men are thoughtful, tender, kind and romantic. Not the reality for the vast majority of men (and yes incoming 100 posters, I know your Nigel does everything round the house and brings you a cup of tea in bed and flowers every day, well done you, im not talking about him).

Notsurehwhattdo · 07/01/2024 09:10

"No, you aren't giving me a lay in, they are our children, not mine and mine alone, so one day at the weekend I get up with them and go downstairs and take care of breakfast etc., and the other day, you do it, it's as simple as that".

FlyingCherub · 07/01/2024 09:11

It's called weaponised incompetence. He knows exactly what he's doing with his performance of "letting you have a lie in".

Good for you on calling him out on it.

megletthesecond · 07/01/2024 09:12

Yanbu. My ex was like this. Hence the ex part.

Notsurehwhattdo · 07/01/2024 09:12

DappledThings · 07/01/2024 09:01

That's shit behaviour. We get one lie-in each at the weekend. Whoever is getting up gets up with the first child. That meant DH was up at 6.15 yesterday and I didn't get woken till 7 today. Luck of the draw.

But it's lie-in. Not lay-in. You do not lay in your bed you lie in it. Unless you are a chicken.

Maybe that's why some people say lay-on rather than lie-in, in Ireland :-)

LancashireSquirrel · 07/01/2024 09:13

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 07/01/2024 09:07

He is a twat and YANBU. BUT, you are married to him and have kids with him so it's either kill him dead or manage him.

Next time, DO NOT GET UP. You are a rock, a stone, a fallen tree who could no more get up than you could leap in the air and fly. It is not happening until you've had a good 30 minutes alone in bed. The end.

When the children come in, tell him explicitly " I am having the lie in you promised me. Get up and take them downstairs for breakfast right now." Don't argue, don't get upset. Don't say or do anything that give him the excuse to strop. Just remind him what his job is in words of one syllable, roll over and leave him to it.

If he prevaricates, pretends to be asleep, says in a minute, and the kids start whining for food, STILL DO NOT GET UP. You are OFF DUTY. Set the kids on him. To every single thing they say "ask Daddy. Tell Daddy. Daddy will do it." Until eventually it will be more trouble for him not to get up than just to get up. Do not allow yourself to feel mum guilt if they get upset, want you, he's ignoring them etc. they will survive, they know you love them, they know they can count on you for their needs to be met, from the every other time you have showed up for them. Today it is HIS JOB. Do NOT let him wiggle out of it.

Basically he's not going to do the right thing because he loves you and knows it's the right thing to do. He's selfish. Doesn't mean he's a monster. Many many many men are selfish at core it's the way society raises them, to always put themselves and their needs front and centre. Whereas women are raised to always put themselves at the back of the queue in everything. We have to fight against our conditioning because they sure as shit aren't going to fight against theirs - why would they, it benefits them.

What men mean by love is very different in my experience to what women mean. I think probably most men are more likely to jump in front of a bus/axe-wielding maniac for their family than they are to ever put the work into those daily acts of service, consideration, care, all the thinking and worrying about others that make up a woman's existence. It's probably evolution. But it's also a fucking disappointment after growing up in films and books where the fictional men are thoughtful, tender, kind and romantic. Not the reality for the vast majority of men (and yes incoming 100 posters, I know your Nigel does everything round the house and brings you a cup of tea in bed and flowers every day, well done you, im not talking about him).

This is genius. Thank you.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 07/01/2024 09:14

This is my partner all over

I do all the night get ups with my 15month old and sometimes he says he will do them. So baby cries, I wait for him to get up, baby still cries I still wait. So just as I sit up and get out of bed he darts up and goes in the room

So annoying

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