DH "giving me a lay in"... AIBU?

[LancashireSquirrel]

I don't think I am but still...

DHs idea of me having a lay in, is telling the DC that mummy is having a lay in today. And then continues to lay in bed while the DC get louder and chattier. Then I get up because they ask for breakfast, only THEN does he get up and tell me IABU because I got up!! WTF?!

I then call him out on his behaviour, telling him if he wants to give me a lay in, he needs to physically GET UP.

He then stomps off downstairs (leaving the DC upstairs with me!). I then take the DC downstairs and ask him what that was about. He then goes on to say "I can't win blah blah blah". I rage at him (quietly!) telling him how dare he put this on me, as if it's MY fault for getting up!!!

AIBU?! Surely if you want to give someone a lay in... you need to get up, and not gaslight them into making out like they were the ones who got up first?!

Yanbu and he is a gaslighting arsehole.

And the very concept of him being a dad to his kids being something he "gives" you, as if the children are your real responsibility and any effort he puts in is a kindnesss to you, well that's offensively misogynistic too, even if he were actually doing it.

What a git.

@Ju1ieAndrews love it. Especially that last paragraph.

Thanks everyone. I'm having a bath with a Baileys hot chocolate.

I’ve found with my husband that you really have to spell things out in advance, otherwise I end up disappointed. And he ends up confused, not understanding what he’d done wrong or why I was upset with him. Next Friday evening:
”Ok I think we’ve had a long week and both of us deserve a lie-in each, without any interruption until X time. Tomorrow I am going to get out of bed as soon as the first child wakes up, close the bedroom door, make sure no child comes in to disturb you and make sure that all of us are really quiet downstairs until x time. Then on Sunday morning could you please do the same for me? That way we both get a proper uninterrupted lie-in.”

The same works for things like Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. A simple “On Father’s Day I planned a really nice day of activities for us as a family…… Just a reminder that it’s Mother’s Day in a fortnight - it would make me really happy if you could book somewhere for a family lunch and plan something for us all to do in the afternoon please?” I think many men don’t understand what women like and really need it spelling out. It works for me.

A lie-in is not his to give, he doesn’t own lie-ins. Tell him when you want a lie-in and explain that you want to be in bed on your own without being disturbed during it.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush please write a book. Or start a podcast. Or something.

That reply was brilliant. One of those where, as a reader, at the end of it you say “Of course! Yes, that’s it. How could I ever have thought differently.”

What an idiot. Is all I can say.

@ClaudiaWinklemansEyeliner Your post was clearer than mine trying to explain the grammar since it’s that ‘lay as the past tense of lie’ that confuses things. But I do like the idea of a chicken coup. 😄

Not the sharpest tool in the box, is he....

And you still have your turn to come op

It'll be the shit ones who've been chucked by their partners/walked out on their partners and young babies and are doing their disney dad bit at the weekend.

Next time you do a thread about this @LancashireSquirrel can you put "DH giving me 'an extra hour or so in bed' "

Thanks!

I will

Yes, my DH is master of 'just about to'. He is always just about to do the thing he had no intention of doing until I mention it. It is a major reason why I will be divorcing him fairly soon.

I’ve had similar this morning! In bed with 3 month old and exhausted. Finally got up at 9.30.

My husband said when I went downstairs “oh you’re up, I thought I’d let you have a lie in”.

….

A lie in.

With a 3 month old.

Hes now gone clothes shopping for himself to spend some vouchers he got for xmas and I have to stay home to look after the dog.

There are no words. Your bath and hot chocolate sounds lovely.

YANBU

Seriously though, OP, I suspect there is an awful lot more of this passive-aggressive behaviour going on in your marriage. I recommend informing yourself of the patterns, and thinking hard what you might do about it.

Yes, that's what giving someone a lie in is. We took it in turns at the weekend

I'm definitely on it.

Been there, done that. Then I realised I was carrying the emotional/mental load for the both of us, and the entire responsibility for the health of our relationship because my husband couldn't be arsed to think about anyone but himself.

@TheShellBeach I'm sorry I can't get over your husband setting his alarm for 08.30 - did he know you'd already set yours for 9.30? 😧

Why do people have kids with such utter muppets?!

Sometimes the muppetry does not appear until after the arrival of said kids.

Hard to believe but it does happen.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush 's advice is excellent and it works. I had to deploy these tactics on DH when he was doing what yours is. They do reluctantly come round and learn that it's easier to just do what they promised in the first place. Stay strong and stick to your guns. I find telling them what they are doing helps as well, not asking or giving them an option.

For example my DH has got a headache this morning. I came down later than him and the kitchen was still a mess from yesterday so I gave him some painkillers for his head and calmly tidied the kitchen, emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, took in the shopping delivery and put it away (he did at this point help to bring some bags through to the kitchen) I then got the kids PE and swimming kits ready for tomorrow and after that informed DH that I was going for a sit down with a coffee and that he could help them with their homework later as I had done my bit this morning. He agreed and he will stick to it. Otherwise I will remind him of everything I did this morning while he had a headache and sat on the sofa watching a film.

We do get on well and tend to share chores but he does try and wriggle out of child related things which is annoying but what he grew up with. His dad was very hands off so I've taught him that this is not acceptable because I work whereas his mum didn't.

Good luck OP!

No apology = no remorse = no comprehension = need for practice to make perfect = you have both lie ins next weekend.
😉

Because some of them play the long game and the misogyny and lazy attitude comes out of the woodwork once they feel their wife/partner is stuck with them. Women are most vulnerable in a relationship when they are pregnant or have small children.