DH "giving me a lay in"... AIBU?

[LancashireSquirrel]

I don't think I am but still...

DHs idea of me having a lay in, is telling the DC that mummy is having a lay in today. And then continues to lay in bed while the DC get louder and chattier. Then I get up because they ask for breakfast, only THEN does he get up and tell me IABU because I got up!! WTF?!

I then call him out on his behaviour, telling him if he wants to give me a lay in, he needs to physically GET UP.

He then stomps off downstairs (leaving the DC upstairs with me!). I then take the DC downstairs and ask him what that was about. He then goes on to say "I can't win blah blah blah". I rage at him (quietly!) telling him how dare he put this on me, as if it's MY fault for getting up!!!

AIBU?! Surely if you want to give someone a lay in... you need to get up, and not gaslight them into making out like they were the ones who got up first?!

Yes. I think you lost some traction when you were both lying there, listening to the DC and trying to go back to sleep. You were never going to manage but he might so you needed to get your 'peace and quiet' sorted ASAP. He knows he was a dick, that's why he's still cross

He was still lying there, not laying there. He's not a chicken either!

THIS!! It drives me fucking mad!! DH will say I’ve put a wash on for you! For me? You fucking live here too you wanker. And worse than that I’ll get the washing out of the machine and it’s all his!! Selfish to boot!!

@DappledThings oh lordy! Sorry

@herewegoroundthebastardbush so true! Thank you for this, it's proper food for thought.
@LancashireSquirrel remind your husband it's not a battle. There are no winners or losers, just two people trying to get through life in the best way possible. My oh says it a lot, it's clearly a thing they get taught at that 'how to be a man' school.

I think you need to actually tell him to get up and make the children’s breakfast so you can have a lie in, not wait for him to realise he needs to do it. It may seem obvious to you what needs to be done but I find that men tend to lack common sense when it comes to parenting, not saying all men are like this but my husband and other men in my family certainly are. My husband helps with the baby all the time and honestly tries but I have to ask him to do everything, he won’t just do it. I remember my own dad being similar growing up. It’s like they see mum as the ‘lead parent’ and are afraid to decide to do anything on their own.

@Mumof2NDers I hot around this (mostly) by allocating everyone their own washing day. Means they only ever put their own washing in, for them. I did it because oh didn't do the washing, but made the most washing. So now, he does his own. For him. Not for me...

You get stuck in this viscious cycle with these sorts of men, because you never quite know how far they'll go to prove their incompetence. My ex would leave the baby crying for hours while I was at work, or play computer games while the older dc was left to look after the toddler (who would invariably get into mischief or get hurt). I couldn't hold down a job because of it, until I found remote work.

So I would always wake with the dc, I wouldn't leave them alone with him for more than the time it took to go grocery shopping. It was a miserable existence.

Now we've divorced he gets to play Disney Dad and spends loads of time with them twice a month. The dc are experiencing a nicer version of their father and he's stepping up a bit more with his parenting, but it's all a bit shit really.

If an adult can hold down a job and pay bills and learn to drive, and all the other intricate and myriad skills required to function, that adult certainly understands the concept of needing quiet in order to sleep.

Any other behaviour is a choice.

He knows full well that is not a lie in. It's lazy selfish parenting on his part.

On his "lie in" treat him in this manner. Annoyingly he probably won't notice.

Not to be a dick but as you seem genuinely interested in words OP - ‘lay’ is what you do to something else, it is a verb that needs an object. I lay clothes out on the bed to pack, but I lie on the bed.
And what everyone else said about standing your ground about lie-ins!

Either that or abuse. The fact he's not honest when discussing it.

Weaponised incompetence is easily countered by weaponised celibacy. He’ll soon get the message then.

@Strawberrycheesecake7 your husband isn't 'helping' with the baby. He's being a parent. Leave him to it, constantly telling him what to do is just perpetuating the myth that women are better than men at looking after kids.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush I think this may be the best thing I have ever read on MN. Thank you - your vision is crystal clear, your writing style is brilliant and I wish you were my mate.

Can't get over half the thread saying lay in and half the thread saying lie in.

I agree. I'm going to screen shot that reply.

I poke/kick him- that’s your baby crying. Did I hear wrong and instead of agreeing to do night wake you agreed to let her cry knowing wouldn’t sleep a wink listening to our baby cry? Get up and give her a cuddle NOW SO I CAN GET THE SLEEP YOU PROMISED ME OR I SWEAR TO GOD YOU WILL NEVER SLEEP AGAIN

Suggest he takes them out for breakfast. DH and I had either Saturday or Sunday as our lie in. When it was my turn, DH would take DT’s to the local deli for breakfast - it became their tradition each week. DH started it from when DT’s were about six months old. Peace and quiet for me and fun for DH and DT’s.

Id also be explicitly clear that on my lie in I don't want to just lie in bed. I want to have a longer sleep. And this means it is his job to make sure I am NOT woken up by the children. So he has got to get to them ans sort them out quietly, before they start getting bored / loud etc

I would take myself off to the nearest Travelodge/premier inn next time you are due a lie in, at his expense if possible.

Agree its weaponised incompetence and I'll bet this is not the only place you see it? IME men who do this rarely exhibit the behaviour in one place.

If both are working weekdays then the logical option for weekends is you do one morning each - at whichever time the DC wake up. We took the DC out on our "day" even if just for a walk or to the park as it was the only way for the other person to get some peace.

If you are a team you should both get equal shares of leisure time and the financial benefits of the partnership. If you are not getting equal leisure time then you are not in an equal relationship.

The night before remind the kids that daddy is on duty so they need to keep on, at him. You need to pretend to be asleep even if you aren’t.
You might even write a big sign with ask daddy and please be quiet, written on it, to leave next to the bed.
They are old enough to understand the concept of a lie in too.

Alternatively if they are at school they are now old enough for you to have poured them a bowl of cereal the night before, so that they just have to pour some milk over it in the morning and teach them to switch on the tv.
Agree a time with dh for you to go down one morning each, so the kids aren’t on their own for hours an hours. Eg they normally get up at 7. So you both set an alarm for 8.30 and one of you goes down at that time each day.

If after explaining how he is wrong he still doesn't agree with you next time it is his turn for a lie in do exactly what he has done to you. He needs a taste of his own medicine because that is a joke!! X

This is just so depressing.

With so many of these men, the choices are to fight fire with fire, turning the home into a battleground of deviousness and passive-aggression, or to LTB.

Why is it SO, SO HARD to find decent, honest, mature men who see women as equals, and willingly take responsibility in the home, and don't play these stupid selfish games. 😡😪

The confusion arises because lay is also past tense for lie.

LIE:
"I was lying there but then my dickhead husband wouldn't get up with the kids"
"You lie there love, I'll get the kids up"
"I lay there while Nigel brought me tea in bed"

LAY
"Lay the kids toys out in the lounge while I lie here please"
"Nigel laid my morning tea out on the side table while the kids played downstairs"
"My chickens were laying eggs in the coup while I had a lie-in"

And everything everyone else said about your DH being a knob!!