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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not tell his wife?

171 replies

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:01

Scenario is group of friends all know each other and each others DHs. But drifted due to friend b’s odd views and that became more pronounced over time, the world is jealous of me sort. Her husband also had an air about him and made a lot of snide comments to us that frankly made everyone feel uncomfortable.

Friend A got divorced about a year ago and decided to put herself back out there and found friend b’s husband on a dating app. It’s definitely him as the app verifies identify and he has a premium profile that is paid for (it’s indicated on the page)

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since prior to the pandemic. Few reasons aside from the drifting isolation caused. B turned her back on a when she was going through her divorce and because it was too much for her, lot of comments came through her and b’s dh that A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them. All bollocks of course. It was those sort of comments that caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b? They definitely don’t have an open mariage

i don’t know why but I think that B’s dh would probably lash out if he found out it was us. Also who knows what he’s like behind closed doors as some of his views were very red pill ‘alpha’ sort

whilst I would want to know it is was me. I don’t think she’ll take it well and then there’s him

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2024 17:03

Stay out of it.

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:05

Aquamarine1029 · 06/01/2024 17:03

Stay out of it.

That’s what I think too. Whilst objectively I’d want to know if it was my husband messing around, this is too messy

OP posts:
Judijudi · 06/01/2024 17:05

no she shouldn’t tell her

BootOfTinsel · 06/01/2024 17:07

I would but anonymously to say you might want to check out this profile. The messenger always gets shot.

Allelbowsandtoes · 06/01/2024 17:07

I'd stay out of it. If friend B were still a genuine friend I'd probably tell her but not in the circumstances you describe. Tricky one though.

Projectme · 06/01/2024 17:07

Whilst I'd want to be told if my husband was on a dating site, I couldn't bring myself to meddle in someone's marriage; especially one I'd not had contact with for 3+ years.

Sacmagique75 · 06/01/2024 17:07

If neither of you have spoken to B for some time, surely it’s fairly plausible that B and her husband have separated and you just didn’t know?

TheFoz · 06/01/2024 17:08

Print the screenshots and post anonymously to B.

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:09

Sacmagique75 · 06/01/2024 17:07

If neither of you have spoken to B for some time, surely it’s fairly plausible that B and her husband have separated and you just didn’t know?

She and I have spoken enough, maybe a few texts here and there maybe 2/3 times a year, to know they are still together same with social media, can see posts together etc

OP posts:
Muchof · 06/01/2024 17:16

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:09

She and I have spoken enough, maybe a few texts here and there maybe 2/3 times a year, to know they are still together same with social media, can see posts together etc

This is a couple you clearly do not like. So no, don't interfere with their marriage and frankly I am struggling to understand why you maintain contact at all.

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:23

Muchof · 06/01/2024 17:16

This is a couple you clearly do not like. So no, don't interfere with their marriage and frankly I am struggling to understand why you maintain contact at all.

Because people are complicated, no one is all good or all bad. I would say objectively I don’t like B’s husband and never really did but because I like(d) B, I put that aside because she has many many good qualities but overtime, she did change and how she treated A in the wake of her divorce was quite eye opening BUT I did in part attribute that to his influence. So when she does text I will reply because it’s not a scorched earth deal, or when something good happens in her life (like promotion or a pet or whatever) i might message saying congratulations or like a picture

OP posts:
mottytotty · 06/01/2024 17:29

The messenger will get shot. Friend A should absolutely not tell B, as B and her husband will rip her to shreds.

If you’re a friend to A, strongly urge her not to tell B herself.

What you could do is send screenshots and a note to B by post, that way it stays anonymous.

Kangarude · 06/01/2024 17:38

You say friend A and friend B had not had any contact since before the pandemic, yet A got divorced a year ago and B treated her badly? They weren’t even speaking then ?? I’d stay out of it, as all is not as it may appear

welcometothnuthouse · 06/01/2024 17:42

What a lot of drama rhat doesn't involve you anyway. I'd stay out if I didn't know ALL the facts. The 'alpha' husband sounds a twat anyway.

Wakemeup17 · 06/01/2024 17:45

TheFoz · 06/01/2024 17:08

Print the screenshots and post anonymously to B.

I would do that too.

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:46

Kangarude · 06/01/2024 17:38

You say friend A and friend B had not had any contact since before the pandemic, yet A got divorced a year ago and B treated her badly? They weren’t even speaking then ?? I’d stay out of it, as all is not as it may appear

bit confusing yeah, it was finalised last year but the separation and leading up to the divorce had been ongoing for a while before

OP posts:
Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:48

welcometothnuthouse · 06/01/2024 17:42

What a lot of drama rhat doesn't involve you anyway. I'd stay out if I didn't know ALL the facts. The 'alpha' husband sounds a twat anyway.

i Just feel so bad for any woman in that situation having had kids, stopped work and then he’s cheating. If it were me I’d want to know but yeah here it’s too much drama

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 06/01/2024 17:50

Nope, mind your own business and stay well out of it.

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:51

mottytotty · 06/01/2024 17:29

The messenger will get shot. Friend A should absolutely not tell B, as B and her husband will rip her to shreds.

If you’re a friend to A, strongly urge her not to tell B herself.

What you could do is send screenshots and a note to B by post, that way it stays anonymous.

Edited

Even then if he saw A on the app too then it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to think it was her

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 06/01/2024 17:53

I'd leave it alone. You're not close to them now, nor is A, so it wouldn't come across well. Possibly B knows anyway and if he is so easily identifiable, I guess others of his acquaintance might also have noticed him. How do you know the aggressive front re other people being jealous of them wasn't a defence mechanism - it smacks of insecurity to me?

Drinkinggreentea · 06/01/2024 17:53

In this situation no I wouldn't tell her because I'd want to avoid contact with her and this sounds messy. You've essentially fallen out so contacting her again could mean restarting a friendship that you don't want.

Btw in most circumstances I would tell but not in this one.

missmollygreen · 06/01/2024 17:54

Stay out of it, she wont thank you

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:58

Onelifeonly · 06/01/2024 17:53

I'd leave it alone. You're not close to them now, nor is A, so it wouldn't come across well. Possibly B knows anyway and if he is so easily identifiable, I guess others of his acquaintance might also have noticed him. How do you know the aggressive front re other people being jealous of them wasn't a defence mechanism - it smacks of insecurity to me?

I always thought it was maybe an isolation tactic from him but could well be as you said

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 06/01/2024 17:59

Too much drama here, so I'd stay out of it.

You and your other mate don't want to look like you're rubbing your hands together over this, because you don't particularly like either of them.

mottytotty · 06/01/2024 18:01

Catsandbootsandcatsandboots · 06/01/2024 17:51

Even then if he saw A on the app too then it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to think it was her

But he wouldn’t be able to say for sure it was her. Could she block him so he can’t see her?