To not tell his wife?

[Catsandbootsandcatsandboots]

Scenario is group of friends all know each other and each others DHs. But drifted due to friend b’s odd views and that became more pronounced over time, the world is jealous of me sort. Her husband also had an air about him and made a lot of snide comments to us that frankly made everyone feel uncomfortable.

Friend A got divorced about a year ago and decided to put herself back out there and found friend b’s husband on a dating app. It’s definitely him as the app verifies identify and he has a premium profile that is paid for (it’s indicated on the page)

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since prior to the pandemic. Few reasons aside from the drifting isolation caused. B turned her back on a when she was going through her divorce and because it was too much for her, lot of comments came through her and b’s dh that A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them. All bollocks of course. It was those sort of comments that caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b? They definitely don’t have an open mariage

i don’t know why but I think that B’s dh would probably lash out if he found out it was us. Also who knows what he’s like behind closed doors as some of his views were very red pill ‘alpha’ sort

whilst I would want to know it is was me. I don’t think she’ll take it well and then there’s him

To be clear, my comment was because I would never be able to speak to the woman knowing what I knew and not say anything, so the friendship would be ruined anyway.

I know you're not close, but I would have to tell her, or cut off all contact to deal with the feeling of guilt that I knew and hadn't told her.

Do you care for this friend still? If you do not, then no point...it onlywould cause grief for no reason. If you still valued her and want to protect her in some way then tell her but say you are only advising her as you are concerned for her..i.e if she was a close friend I would say you should be able to tell her truth explaining how uncomfortable you feel about it and she would trust you... But if it's really likely to cause trouble then stay out of it

I would tell her. It will make it much worse to think her friends, or former friends, knew and were laughing or talking about it behind her back. You don't seem to have much of a friendship left and she deserves to know. What a prick her husband sounds. She probably knows this and you know it and not telling her just protects him. It's up to her what she does with the info but she definitely deserves to have that info.

I would out DH.

I appreciate there will be fall out, but bad things happen when good people do nothing.

By not outing him, you are condoning his behaviour.

Put your big pants on but do it anonymously....!!!

I would want to know. He sounds controlling and probably gaslighting her. Possibly he isolated her from you all - it’s a classic trick to ensure she loses all source of support. If she doesn’t want to know she’ll ignore the info.

I would say that for your own protection perhaps best to do it anonymously. And make sure your friend blocks him on dating sites or he’ll realise it’s her.

You could print the screen shot and send it to her in the mail. She can decide what she does with that information after. Don't tell her directly and if she asks if you sent it say nothing pretend you know nothing ask questions about what she received so she doesn't cotton on that it was you. Hopefully she wakes up and leaves him.

I really, really, would not do this anonymously and especially not by sending printouts of screenshots in the mail.

You are an adult and she is a human being. If I just received an anonymous photo of my partner on a dating site I would have no context, would not know how many people had seen this, would not even know if this was a precursor to being blackmailed. My mind would be everywhere.

Surely a simple phone call or coffee saying, "you probably already know this, but I saw X's photo of [dating site] and thought I should mention it, I hope you're not angry" is less stressful for her? You don't even have to mention the friend, so she can believe it is only you that knows.

In either case she may have to deal with the enormity of her marriage collapsing, but at least if you are open she can ask questions, has an idea of how big an issue it is, and has someone to talk to. Sending something to her anonymously is dropping a massive bombshell without warning, with no context, not knowing what is going on, with nobody to talk to, and then leaving her to cope with it, or not to cope with it. I think that is a much more dangerous scenario and is frankly cowardly and irresponsible.

Read the ops posts her husband sounds like a gangster. That's why she doesn't want to outright tell her in case she gets beaten up or battered with a bat. She's scared of her friends husband what would you do that wouldn't get her either killed or put in hospital?

She either tells her anonymously or not at all at least the op doesn't bring trouble to her door.

Fair enough. Well there you go. The OP shouldn't tell her and should assume the friendship is dead. I don't have any moral issue with not telling her, I just couldn't pretend to be her friend afterwards. I still wouldn't do it the anonymous route for all the reasons I mentioned before. Especially if he really is dangerous, which adds another reason to the list.

Don't get involved. Discretion is the better part of valour.

I had a friend whose DH (charming, successful, good looking etc) turned out to be a wife beater. He was vile - we tried to help… she was absolutely NOT prepared to leave such a ‘great catch’ - he never hit her anywhere visible and she thought a kicking was a fair price to pay for the life of luxury.

Send the screenshots to her by post and create a temporary email/Gmail and email them to her, also, along with all the details.

That will avoid you being blamed for the sharing of the news. Then in a couple of weeks, get in touch with the friend and ask her if she wants to come on s girlie lunch/coffee/drink etc. Do it a few times - girls only. You’ll soon see if she’s happy with the cheat and you can be there if she isn’t happy… and you can be there if he intends leaving her anyway and is simply setting up his new life.

I would print off all the screenshots and a letter with the app details/URL and mail them to her anonymously.

Mine too. If someone is a genuine friend I think it would be unforgivable not to tell her (I say this as someone who has been in B's position) but given that she is not, I'd keep out of what sounds like a messy situation.

Another vote for sending anonymously.

This is a conversation to have with your girl and guy friends from on the start. If I see your partner online do you want to know? Trust me there are quite a few more than you would think that do not wan to know... I am in the definitely would want to know camp.

Keep us posted on what is decided @Catsandbootsandcatsandboots

I would absolutely say something and I wouldn’t care about being the messenger and getting shot. They’re not close anyway so it doesn’t matter, but if my DH was cheating on me and potentially putting my health at risk or spending family money I would sure as hell want to know. At least that way any decisions I was making (e.g. buying a house) would be informed by the knowledge that my marriage might not be as stable as I thought, and the one person I’m supposed to be able to rely on is not fully committed. I wouldn’t even bother with all the hand wringing or sad meetings or anonymous letter. I’d just sent a message saying, “Hi Sandra, I saw your Bob on Tinder. I didn’t realise you’d split up’. And add a couple screenshots.

I'd tell her B because I'd want to know.

How do you know their marriage isn't open ? Or that they haven't started shining if you don't talk anymore ? 🤔

This! ⬆️

it would be very very very unlikely given that they are from a specific religious community and to do something like that is explicitly forbidden but also The information in the bio, it was definitely that of a man trying to create the illusion of being single