To not tell his wife?

[Catsandbootsandcatsandboots]

Scenario is group of friends all know each other and each others DHs. But drifted due to friend b’s odd views and that became more pronounced over time, the world is jealous of me sort. Her husband also had an air about him and made a lot of snide comments to us that frankly made everyone feel uncomfortable.

Friend A got divorced about a year ago and decided to put herself back out there and found friend b’s husband on a dating app. It’s definitely him as the app verifies identify and he has a premium profile that is paid for (it’s indicated on the page)

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since prior to the pandemic. Few reasons aside from the drifting isolation caused. B turned her back on a when she was going through her divorce and because it was too much for her, lot of comments came through her and b’s dh that A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them. All bollocks of course. It was those sort of comments that caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b? They definitely don’t have an open mariage

i don’t know why but I think that B’s dh would probably lash out if he found out it was us. Also who knows what he’s like behind closed doors as some of his views were very red pill ‘alpha’ sort

whilst I would want to know it is was me. I don’t think she’ll take it well and then there’s him

Very few people want to damage others and cause a car crash. That is why we hold back.

My first thought is they might not be together anymore, if you haven't seen them in a while it maybe the case.

I think if it was a very close friend I would definitely mention it, but you have drifted you have no idea about their relationship anymore there could be a lot of context you don't know.

I’m on dating apps. When I find somebody’s husband on it, I screenshot and send it to the wife. Every time. Because it shows you people close to you, so anyone else on the apps will also see their husbands. It’s a hit humiliating, so I always tell them.

Friends who disappear during a divorce often have shaky marriages themselves, so that was a precursor to this

Either way I'd stay out of it.

All the posters saying ‘don’t get involved’ 🤦🏽‍♀️

The OP is already involved, (albeit unwillingly) because she knows about it. If she chooses to do nothing, that’s fine, but if a friend of mine,
even a distant friend, knew and chose to say nothing about my cheating husband, I’d assume they weren’t a friend.

OP, I would not be able to have this information and the wife not know about it, so I definitely would tell. But I also know my friends like and trust me and realise I would only be saying something so they can make an informed decision about their marriage. I’d also make it clear that I hold no judgement on her choices but she can only make a choice if she has all the facts.

If you’re worried about his repercussions it might be best, as pp have advised, to do it anonymously. But just send a letter stating you
have come across this information and she should be aware of it to. As pp have said, she might already know, and not be doing anything with the information but if she doesn’t, she absolutely has a right to know.

I’d assume they weren’t a friend.

Well in this case you'd be right even without the dating app situation.

If you’re worried about his repercussions it might be best, as pp have advised, to do it anonymously.

If she's worried about his repercussions, why would she potentially endanger his wife?

This.

If she feels the need to do it then it needs to be anonymous. I would like to know if it was my husband. But I’m not sure I would interfere. It may be an open marriage or not.

You only think you want to know because you believe you're secure. If Dad is screwing around, he's going to continue doing that once he's single. Do you want your children introduced to these women? Because once he becomes single you have no control over who he introduces them to and how he spends his time with them. Are your children facing any exams? Yes of course they are. Every year, they're not settled at school, is every year they won't achieve their full potential. Friend B picked that man as a person to father her children. She may have made a bad choice. But if she's not happy, she keeps making bad choices, year after year. If she is happy, it's sort of working out for the children. Because if mum and dad split up and their main focus is finding a new better partner - the children are just friendly fire collateral screwed-up damage.

No I’d want to know before I continue to build my life on a lie, continue to support my husband in his career and choices, continue to put up with his family, continue to raise children with someone who has so little respect for their mother, continue to spend my youth with someone who clearly doesn’t respect me plus if my husband is sleeping around it may even have ramifications on my own health. That’s why I’d always want to know.

that’s me personally

but as we’ve established, I don’t feel comfortable telling her even though objectively I do feel like it’s the right thing to do and am pretty uncomfortable knowing this information.

Due to religious convictions it is definitely not an open marriage

Religious convictions can be surprisingly selective with some people.

If it makes you feel better, you don't know as much as you think you do. You don't know that they don't have an open marriage; you just know it would be against their religion's rules. You don't know that he's having an affair or even that the profile is legitimate. You just know that a friend of yours has seen a dating profile with his details on it.

I would advise friend A to not contact friend B. Friend A should remove herself from view of Bs husband on the app.
Friend A could print, on paper, a copy of screenshot that shows no identifying information about A.
Friend A could decide to post anonymously the page to B.
Then the messenger is not identified but friend B finds out the sad story about her husband.

I would only send the evidence if it is in the best interests of friend B. How do you work that out? I would want to know.
Some would not want to know??

Some would not want to know??

Yes. Some people would not want to know. Several posters have shared their experiences of telling and, well, not being thanked. Not all wives would appreciate it or think it an act of goodness. And to be honest, it's their lives being meddled with, so they get to be the judges of whether to thank you or not.

Yes, I would want to know myself but still I would not post the evidence either.

@Catsandbootsandcatsandboots

There is risk of STIs, so medically it would be preferable to know if her partner is sleeping around.

If there is any chance the husband has seen A on the dating app he may get in touch to warn her off telling anyone else. If nothing happens for a while he might assume she didn't spot him (can she tell if he has blocked her?). If he is as dangerous as you think, A needs to take care. I think B has a right to know but short of asking her you don't know what she would want

You or A set up a new email address with Jane doe name. Send screen shots to B. Delete email account.

If he's a red pill alpha type, I'm sure she knows what he's up to but is turning a blind eye. He probably chose her because she would do this.

I didn't think any red pillers were alphas!

She sounds very vulnerable. I'd be afraid something would happen to her. If I did anything I'd be pointing her towards women's aid

I can't help thinking that, if you are no longer friends, then why bother with an anonymous note. Perhaps friend A could like Mr B's profile and say that she was sorry to see that he was no longer with Mrs B. At the very least that might put the wind up him if he is still married.

Personally, I would say something. If my partner was on dating apps I would want someone to tell me.

But I would also work on the assumption that this could destroy your friendship forever. You can't expect her to be happy about the news.

I would take that risk, but I understand that you you have a different view and that is also correct.

I wouldn't say anything.