To not tell his wife?

[Catsandbootsandcatsandboots]

Scenario is group of friends all know each other and each others DHs. But drifted due to friend b’s odd views and that became more pronounced over time, the world is jealous of me sort. Her husband also had an air about him and made a lot of snide comments to us that frankly made everyone feel uncomfortable.

Friend A got divorced about a year ago and decided to put herself back out there and found friend b’s husband on a dating app. It’s definitely him as the app verifies identify and he has a premium profile that is paid for (it’s indicated on the page)

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since prior to the pandemic. Few reasons aside from the drifting isolation caused. B turned her back on a when she was going through her divorce and because it was too much for her, lot of comments came through her and b’s dh that A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them. All bollocks of course. It was those sort of comments that caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b? They definitely don’t have an open mariage

i don’t know why but I think that B’s dh would probably lash out if he found out it was us. Also who knows what he’s like behind closed doors as some of his views were very red pill ‘alpha’ sort

whilst I would want to know it is was me. I don’t think she’ll take it well and then there’s him

Anonymous telling is so horrible. It creates paranoia - who told me and why? - but it also suggests that you think this concerns you enough to get actively involved, but you're the only one who should be protected from any consequences.

Either it's your business or it's not. It's not, but if you think it is, take your consequences with everyone else. And if you fear that those consequences would mean harm to you, you shouldn't be setting such a dangerous person on someone else.

As PP said, you aren't the monogamy police and it sounds like the guy is a thug so stay out of it.

Op you come across, and I’m mot sure if you’re aware of it, but you come across as desperate to get involved in this, but know deep down you shouldn’t.

its ok to enjoy drama or be a sspiteful person. But curb it, stay out.

It’s weird the monogamy police line being spun. Granted this situation isn’t straight forward but then much more generally I wouldn’t say it’s about policing someone’s relationship, like i couldn’t care if they were poly or swingers or on a break, it’s not about a moral view but a factual one. and if it were me, 100% of the time I’d want to know rather than be humiliated by a not so subtle cheater

So go ahead and tell her then.

Is it ok to be a spiteful person? Does anyone actually think this?

hardly. My second post was I really don’t think I should say, for both of our safety.

She's not a close friend so there is nothing about wanting to be nice to by telling her and it's a form of gloating if any of you tell her.

If we were closer and if he weren’t him and I didn’t have concerns for everyone’s safety I can see it would be the right thing to do. But here like a good number have said, it’s not the right call.

Print off the screenshot, post it to her work, parents, type of a thing.

Not sure how it would be gloating? But ok

So don't tell her then. The end.

like i couldn’t care if they were poly or swingers or on a break

Yes, but as it is they're not and that's why you're considering policing his monogamy. But don't.

It’s a big jump from she’s not a close friend so you are gloating if you tell her. Yes she’s not as obligated to tell her if she’s not a close friend, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still feel for her. Or can’t still want to do it for the right reasons. I would want a stranger on the street to tell me rather than not find out.

taking these specific individuals out of the equation, that’s just a mind boggling stand point. If it were me, I’d always want to know than to waste my life and I wouldn’t consider the person who told me, someone policing monogamy but rather someone who saw something that impacted me and thought it was my right to know.

but back to this specific situation, it’s too messy and we aren’t close enough, neither is A plus if A said it could always be brushed away with the jealousy factor. So that’s just that. If she does find out if won’t be from us

If it were me, I’d always want to know

Not everyone does. I won't get into it now because it always offends people, but it is a fact that not everyone wants to know and not everyone would thank you. They would indeed see it as you being intrusive and policing someone and something that was not your business to police.

I'm glad you won't be getting involved in this, as it sounds even worse than the "usual" situation. If he's this stupid and indiscreet, he'll get found out eventually. I even wonder if she already knows, with him being so blatant about it. Who knows. Not anyone else's concern.

Cardinal sin, I know butbI haven't RTFT.

Anyway, I would tell tbh.

I can understand people staying quiet when there is a close friendship group to blow apart. But I would want to know and would appreciate someone telling me.

Agree, i would want to know

@Catsandbootsandcatsandboots based on previous threads they could be "together" yet having separate lives ?

some would say they would like to know x but then the messenger is the one that also gets blamed at times, its a thankless endevor.

This is my first thread, im normally a reader and not a poster.

i would say it’s unlikely due to certain religious convictions and the impression one would have from brief conversations and social media and their relationship when I knew them much more BUT behind closed doors shrug

She could literally die as a result of his cheating ( I know someone who is).

Huh? 🤔

@lifelongwhatever Why would you share something like that about your friend, online??

Oh no - this is so tempting to tell her, but don’t.

You don’t like her enough to be motivated to be there for her. You don’t actually care about her from the heart. You’ll just leave her more paranoid and isolated.

Just keep it between B and you and when it all comes out - and it will - keep silent. Don’t add to her humiliations.

Imagine this scenario. A year from now friend b comes to you and friend a in a state and wants to meet up.

When you meet, She tells you she's found out her husband has been cheating on her as one of his conquests contacted her. And she's so upset.

She logged onto the app with a profile and found your friend a on there and asks her if she has ever seen many married men on there.

If at that point she finds out that you both knew, how would she feel?

At the end of the day who are you loyal to?

Give her the information and the screenshots and tell her to do with it what she will.

If she ignores it then the responsibility is on her.

Right now it's on you.

I've been the messenger. Ex friends boyfriend at that time actually proposed to a girl (who def wasn't my friend) in a pub whilst I and one of our other friends were there together. We both agreed that she should know and I would be best to tell her as we were closest. She went nuts at me. Refused to believe it and stopped speaking to me. . The other friend who was there didn't back me up as she said how friend had reacted to news was extreme and it wasn't worth upsetting her more and to leave her in her own ignorant bliss.
If it was me I think I'd rather know but having been the messenger I would think very carefully about telling anyone in future something like this and would (and have since) be inclined to stay out of it and deny knowledge.

I can't comment on paid profiles, but certainly some dating apps actually keep hold of profiles. A work colleague said she found me on one, 2 years after I deleted my profile!!!