To not tell his wife?

[Catsandbootsandcatsandboots]

Scenario is group of friends all know each other and each others DHs. But drifted due to friend b’s odd views and that became more pronounced over time, the world is jealous of me sort. Her husband also had an air about him and made a lot of snide comments to us that frankly made everyone feel uncomfortable.

Friend A got divorced about a year ago and decided to put herself back out there and found friend b’s husband on a dating app. It’s definitely him as the app verifies identify and he has a premium profile that is paid for (it’s indicated on the page)

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since prior to the pandemic. Few reasons aside from the drifting isolation caused. B turned her back on a when she was going through her divorce and because it was too much for her, lot of comments came through her and b’s dh that A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them. All bollocks of course. It was those sort of comments that caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b? They definitely don’t have an open mariage

i don’t know why but I think that B’s dh would probably lash out if he found out it was us. Also who knows what he’s like behind closed doors as some of his views were very red pill ‘alpha’ sort

whilst I would want to know it is was me. I don’t think she’ll take it well and then there’s him

Is it definitely him? My friend got a lot of people telling her that her husband was on a dating app but in face it was a friend of his with the same first name who had used a group photo including friend’s husband as his profile pic.

If you can’t trust her to keep you out of it, then the only options are to either do this anonymously or to not get involved. Such a shame you don’t trust her, maybe you are not great friends after all.

I don’t ’not like her’ but we most certainly did drift and but in no way would I enjoy it and in no way do I enjoy knowing. I actually feel pretty bad that I know and she doesn’t. but I wont be the one to tell her

to be honest, yes I’d want to know regardless because whether that person told me or not, they’d still know about it and if they were so inclined ‘enjoy’ it behind my back, so I’d rather know and not be humiliated.

I never said we are great friends, I actually said the opposite that we were once but have really drifted apart over the last few years

Same first name, and multiple solo shots, and facts about him in the bio section

"All the initials"?? - what 'A' and 'B' 😂?!

Back story (will put names for you) -

Brenda dropped Angela when Angela went through a divorce.

Now Angela has seen Brenda's husband on a dating site

Sure, you should both stay out of it. But I’d really, really want to tell her. And despite knowing I shouldn’t, I might. 😂

Oh just keep out of it!

Why not print off a screenshot of his profile and print and post it to her?

Another vote here for staying out of it, although if he's that dodgy I'd be tempted to report to the dating site

Sounds like B was unpleasant during As divorce because Bs own marriage is shit and she is doing all she can to put out an image of marital bliss. All the bigging up the Bs do reek of compensation boasting. The fact that's he's on a dating app supports this theory b

I'd have to let her know , as I'd want to know. You could always do it anon although as someone said he might be able to wiggle out of it more.

In my personal opinion even if she says you told her , what's he going to do . He is absolutely the one who is in the wrong not you.

My dad cheated on my Mum, by the time she knew everyone else knew . And 28 years later she still stays that's what hurt the most that people knew and noone cared enough to tell her.

I'd want to know. Anonymously or otherwise.

Stay out of it. You are not the monogamy police.

Get someone to beat me up?

I’d usually say tell.

But B is not any kind of good friend. She’s been awful to A in her hour of need. Plus B’s husband will easily wriggle out of having a profile. Any number of ways. Plus you fear him.

overall - stay away from this

I would find a way to let her know anonymously. Because I'd want to know if I were in her position rather than waste my life with a cheater.

Keep out of it! She likely already knows anyway.

He would get someone to beat you up? Is that sarcastic or a genuine concern? I

If it would not be safe, then do not tell her.

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since the pandemic. B turned her back on A when she was going through her divorce
B said A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them
^this caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b?

I agree with a previous PP that A should be examining her motives for telling B. To me it sounds motivated by A’s dislike of B and her DH and a triumphant delight in telling her that her marriage and “enviable” life is a sham. Then once the touch paper is lit, stand back and enjoy the show. The only spanner in the works being aggression from the DH.

It doesn’t seem like the right motivation to blow her world apart (assuming she doesn’t already know) given that it doesn’t sound like either of you are going to offer her unswerving support. As it sounds like your friendship is pretty much in the past and A hasn’t spoken to B for years, it’s better to leave it be and absolutely don’t share it further. I think I would only tell someone about cheating if they were a very good friend and I was prepared to closely support them in a genuine way in the longer term.

i don’t really know, he told a story once about how he got someone beaten up for crossing him, and whilst I’ve not concrete proof there’s certain things he said that made me think either he’s involved in some potentially drug related activity

I wouldn't go the anonymous route. He'll talk himself out of it and she'll be in a limbo. Imagine getting an anonymous message from finsta sayng your husband is a cheater and thats it. Either you or A tells her or you won't tell.

What are you actually scared of? Are you worried he'll become violent towards you or his wife? If you're worried door your own safety then don't do it. If for the wife's then you'll have to tell her and give her resources

I don’t think that’s a fair assessment of A at all… just because she’s divorced and dating doesn’t mean she wants anyone’s marriage to end. I think that’s a mighty big inference

Don’t get involved. Given everything she has said and done, I doubt she will appreciate it and there will definitely be a shooting of the messenger. I’m sure you don’t want or need this drama in your life!

Well then definitely stay out of it! 😬