To not tell his wife?

[Catsandbootsandcatsandboots]

Scenario is group of friends all know each other and each others DHs. But drifted due to friend b’s odd views and that became more pronounced over time, the world is jealous of me sort. Her husband also had an air about him and made a lot of snide comments to us that frankly made everyone feel uncomfortable.

Friend A got divorced about a year ago and decided to put herself back out there and found friend b’s husband on a dating app. It’s definitely him as the app verifies identify and he has a premium profile that is paid for (it’s indicated on the page)

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since prior to the pandemic. Few reasons aside from the drifting isolation caused. B turned her back on a when she was going through her divorce and because it was too much for her, lot of comments came through her and b’s dh that A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them. All bollocks of course. It was those sort of comments that caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b? They definitely don’t have an open mariage

i don’t know why but I think that B’s dh would probably lash out if he found out it was us. Also who knows what he’s like behind closed doors as some of his views were very red pill ‘alpha’ sort

whilst I would want to know it is was me. I don’t think she’ll take it well and then there’s him

I definitely agree with all this. Set up a fake Instagram account and post the screenshots to her

I find all the initials and backstory confusing to read. But if someone's husband is on a dating app, they should absolutely be made aware of it.

As others have said, I'd let her know anonymously. She should know.

Not a clue I’ve no idea how these things work, I may have already seen her?

What sort of friend would you be to not let her know? I would definitely want to know if it was my husband!

I'd tell her BUT it sounds like you don't like her/him which would complicate things as it might look bitter & underhanded so unless fortunately you have to stay out of it (unless your friend wants to send 'condolences on your narriage while pretending to assume they'd split)

I’m usually team ‘don’t get involved’ but if anyone should tell B it’s A, A has nothing to lose if they’re not friends any more. You shouldn’t be involved in the slightest if you’re keeping up relations with B.

Tell the wife.

He’s a serial cheat.

She could literally die as a result of his cheating ( I know someone who is).

She has a right to know and no one else will tell her.

you should do the right thing because it’s the right thing. Not because you like the person you are doing the right thing by.

Fair enough someone has found their former friends husband on a dating app that’s the short version

but the concern is if her husband would lash out if he found out who said. He does seem like the sort

If she was a friend I would think it’s your duty to tell her. As is I’m not sure tbh. I would want to know and would hate to think those I knew didn’t tell me, but I understand it’s difficult. If it was the other way around what would you want?

If he would lash out if he was found out, that sounds like more of a red flag. She probably shouldn’t be with him anyway.

Basically, you are saying everyone is too scared of him to tell her the truth?

don’t do this. The person I know who is dying as a result of an STD from her husband’s cheating, was contacted a few years ago by one of his mistresses online. He convinced her it was an internet troll. She stayed.

Years later other women contacted her about more affairs. But it was too late by then.

The woman OP knows needs to be told in a way he can’t lie his way out of.

Really this is none of your business and it's best to stay out of it.

Yes, he’s been involved in some very dodgy things before, so there’s concerns about physical safety not just for us but for his wife too

I think she should be told, and if he is really that dodgy she should be able to decide what is best for her (and children?). By keeping her in the dark she is not given that option.

If you are scared of the situation, then you should tell her. She would need to keep you out of the conversation.

I dont think she’d keep me out of it even if she promised and I don’t really want him or any of his cronies turning up at my house with a bat or taking revenge

Stay out of all of it and let it be

Live your own life. What other people do or don't do is up to them. I wouldn't even worry if friend A tells friend B or not. It's up to her. Stay in your lane ;-)

My view.

Bloody hell. I’m sorry for her. Does he have the illness too and what’s his prognosis?

Based on this, I think no one should tell her. Let them figure out. She likely already knows.

I would stay out of it and usually I am in camp “tell the DW”.

Yeah, stay out of it. You're distanced from B now and it isn't your job to police her marriage. If he's this indiscreet then she'll probably find out somehow.

@Catsandbootsandcatsandboots

You could say anonymously about her husband's infidelity or potential to this 🤔

If you tell her outright she will blame you in some way, for example accusing you of creating mischief cause you are bit envious or not a real friend,
obviously she will soon find out sooner or later on the grapevine the reality,
as a deflection on her part cause of the unpleasant nastiness nature of something like this,
she will not thank you that's for sure,

she could have an inkling something is not quite right, can't put her finger on it allready spidery feeling,

It sounds like a Wisteria Lane plot of tv series back in the day to me...

people's relantships can be emotionally complicated not what it seems to outsiders type of thing...

I think you need to examine your motives for wanting to tell this woman's husband what you know before you say anything. It is clear from your posts that you don't like her much, even if you were once friends.

You say you feel really bad for her, but is what you are really feeling schadenfreude? You don't have to admit it here or to anyone else, but you have to be honest with yourself.

You say if it was you that you'd want to know, but would you want to hear it from someone who has had little contact with you for the last four years and probably doesn't like you? Would you want to hear it from someone you might suspect is secretly enjoying your misfortune?

If any of the above rings true, you must not get involved, for your former friend's sake as well as your own.

I meant to say "tell this woman what you know". It won't let me edit.