To not tell his wife?

[Catsandbootsandcatsandboots]

Scenario is group of friends all know each other and each others DHs. But drifted due to friend b’s odd views and that became more pronounced over time, the world is jealous of me sort. Her husband also had an air about him and made a lot of snide comments to us that frankly made everyone feel uncomfortable.

Friend A got divorced about a year ago and decided to put herself back out there and found friend b’s husband on a dating app. It’s definitely him as the app verifies identify and he has a premium profile that is paid for (it’s indicated on the page)

friend a hasn’t spoken to friend b since prior to the pandemic. Few reasons aside from the drifting isolation caused. B turned her back on a when she was going through her divorce and because it was too much for her, lot of comments came through her and b’s dh that A would be jealous of them and basically be a hater and wish bad things on them. All bollocks of course. It was those sort of comments that caused me to take a step back from B too.

so all in all barely spoken since the pandemic

a has found b’s husband on a dating app. She did do screenshots.

should A or I tell b? They definitely don’t have an open mariage

i don’t know why but I think that B’s dh would probably lash out if he found out it was us. Also who knows what he’s like behind closed doors as some of his views were very red pill ‘alpha’ sort

whilst I would want to know it is was me. I don’t think she’ll take it well and then there’s him

No. Not this. Icky behaviour.

Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.

Has someone stolen his photos?

None of your business. Don't get involved.

It would not be right for you to tell her in these circumstances and, yes, it is too messy. She may already know, they could have split up in the time since you were last in contact. If not, it may come to nothing (people sometimes do weird things on the internet and go no further), but if he is playing around, she'll find out sooner or later.

It is friend A's decision what she does with the information she has found. You should stay out of it especially if you are still married and therefore should have no business finding other people's husbands on dating apps.

I'm all for outing cheaters, but only with information gathered first hand. Friend A can be the one to decide to do the right thing here.

firstly, this isn’t the ace you think it is. Screenshots of his dating profile doesn’t necessarily mean he’s cheating. The intention may be there, but it’s low level enough for him to explain the problem away. Especially if he’s quite controlling in general.

so you should tread carefully as it’s easy for you to end up in the centre of this

best thing, if you insist on telling her, is setting up an fake social media profile and sending the images through there

They sound like awful people who have reaped what they have sown. Do not get involved.

What kind of husband/father has she picked that everyone will be envious of. Has he been to prison?

I does sound very concerning the situation that you are in and I am not sure what I would do. Does he have control over her?

There are two reasons you would let someone know their DH is on a dating app A) Because you care for them deeply and hate the thought of someone hurting them. B) To shit stir and cause upset.

It certainly doesn’t sound like A cares for B deeply if they haven’t spoken in 3 years, so it comes down to whether A wants to cause a shit storm.

If I were you, I'd stay out of it.

If I were friend A I'd try to remove all history/emotion from my decision and do what I think is right/what I would want if was in friend B's decision, which would be to tell her.

Knowing what a bell friend B's husband is, I'd do this anonymously and, if challenged, deny all knowledge.

Once Friend B has the evidence in front of her it's up to her what she does with it.

There are two reasons you would let someone know their DH is on a dating app A) Because you care for them deeply and hate the thought of someone hurting them. B) To shit stir and cause upset.

And if it were A, you wouldn't do it anonymously. You'd be open about who you were and you'd be there as a support. If your plan is to lob a grenade into someone's life but make sure you were protected, it's hard to see it as a selfless act of care.

You're gossiping on here about him being let's say a lunatic who will beat you up and who could be a drug dealer. You don't know if any of this is true you're only going on the fact that he had a fight with someone who crossed him and you have him with the likes of the Krays. Friend A is an angel and how dare you make that assumption about my friend. I agree with other posters you want to cause a shit storm and then sit on the sidelines and show her no support.

He’s alluded to getting someone beaten up yeah right it’s all bullshit as folks don’t go about spouting that ever because of reprisals. looks like his bluff worked as none of you will say nowt.

tell her don’t tell her only A can decide not you as you aren’t on a dating site.

Don't bother she will only think you are both jealous!

I used a dating app and it was full of married men . Don’t tell

I can't actually work out who is doing what with whoever from your post.
There is too much unnecessary information rather than the straight facts of someone's husband (or wife) finding each other on a dating app.

Anyway it's none of your business and no good ever comes of meddling.

If that's the case then just stay well out of it

He's got his photo on a dating app, the wife will find out soon enough elsewhere

Just stay out of it. There are children involved. And you seem to be all about "telling the wife"? Surely first point of call would be to make husband aware he or his stolen identity has been seen on the dating site? But then you decide you're "afraid" of him. So why are you still in touch with either of them? And how will their children suffer if you stir things up right now? I bet you'd be angry and mortified, and not functioning properly, if the "snide" husband or wife were the ones to find your DH on a dating site and told you?

Because they are both a pair of dicks I'd keep out of it.

No I’d still want to know and I also have children, I’d rather them know and tell me than to know and say nothing and let me carry on being a fool. I wouldn’t expect or want support from either of them either. I’d appreciate a message that was like ‘I found these on this website, I don’t know anything further but I thought you should know’

i just would think it odd if it was identity theft, the person knows a lot of personal information about him as per bio and is also paying for a premium account

What absolute bellend sits on this info and "doesn't get involved"??? If I ever found out I had "friends" who knew my husband was cheating on me but spend time talking, laughing, going out with me etc and never mentioning they knew this about my husband... I wouldn't get over that betrayal. The husband would be out but how on earth do you start trusting friends again. The fact that you are not close anymore makes it even easier. I would just text her along the lines of "Hello Ruth, a friend of mine just signed up to a dating agency and we were looking through her matches and Alan's profile popped up. Is everything ok? If you want to chat just give me a call."
That way it's up to her to ask for the details if she wants them or tell you you are mistaken.

If I ever found out I had "friends" who knew my husband was cheating on me but spend time talking, laughing, going out with me etc and never mentioning they knew this about my husband... I wouldn't get over that betrayal.

Well OP isn't friends with this woman and talking, laughing with her etc, and she isn't even on the dating site so it wasn't her discovery.

And if she thought telling you might endanger you in some way...

I’m not going to go into the details but it wasn’t a fight with someone who didn’t get on with him, it was a bit more sinister than that.

If you really think B has become the way she is because of her husband, then print out the dating site page with the link, pop it through an envelope, and send it to her anonymously.

She can do with it what she will.