to object to other parent's vile racist remarks in the nursery playground?

[grimupnorth]

We recently moved to a new area and dd (just 3) has started at the nursery attatched to the primary school round the corner. Its on a council estate that has a bit of a 'reputation' but tbh that doesn't bother me, the school is lovely nd small and the staff seem excellent. DD loves it there and is making friends, but I'm having problems with the other parents.

Basically they refuse to speak to me. Its not paranoia, they really do and have done since the first morning when I dropped her off. They just give me dirty looks and don't reply when I say hello. Only one of them acknowledges me, and she runs the local shop so isn't going to be rude to the customers! Its a close community and they all know each other etc etc, and I'm an outsider with a posh accent, pink hair, and a faceful of piercings. I can live with being ignored, but...

Today when we were waiting to go in to drop the dc's off, two of the women started having a conversation about a recent trip one of them had had to make with her ds. She was basically bitching about how carp the treatment was, but then these comments were made:

"The place was full of Asians pretending to have heart attacks so they'd get seen first"

"Next time I go I'll be boot polishing our faces to get better treatment"

"The bloody Arabs want to piss off back home and stop bleeding our hospitals dry"

This was in front of children, and I was furious. I picked up dd and carried her to the other end of the playground to look at the daffodils, and I could feel them (the mothers not the daffodils!) watching me. I felt really uncomfortable, I wanted to say something but tbh I was worried about getting smacked - they are pretty tough aggressive women.

I'm quite ashamed of myself for not having the guts to stand up and say something at the time but didn't want dd to see me get into an argument, or to do it on school grounds. I'm going to put in a complaint to the head tomorrow - is this OTT?

crap not carp obviously!

I don't know what the head can do it about it tbh

A complaint to the head?

Yes, that's OTT. Regardless of your personal values, and they're worthy values, other people have a right to express their own. It's called freedom of speech, I'm afraid.

yanbu, why don't they go and see what healthcare is like in those places?

I would tell them to shut up and mind what they say.

Do you think? I would've thought it wasn't acceptable to say that sort of thing on school property surely?

I think you did the right thing not saying anything in the playground, they don't sound the type not to be a massive scene which would have been horrendous in front of the kids. I would mention it to the Head teacher and speak to your kid about what you heard, how its wrong etc... Unfortunately, we have to share our world with racist scum, that will never change.

I don't think the head can do much beyond asking parents not to be racist in the playground.

Think about what you say very carefully - what are you complaining about? Is it the head's responsibility to police the ideology of the parents?

What they said is disgusting, but I think taking your dd to look at the daffodils was the right thing to do because - and I'm all for standing up against virtually anything ending in -ism - the playground is no place for political debate. You were right to say nothing.

freedom of speech?

Sorry, but there's no need to talk about "bloody arabs".

Just talk to the parents yourself.

They sound awful. I'm not sure what you can do about it really other than explain to DD that these are very ignorant people.

I'm afraid we have a similar situation but with the way some two of the parents address their children. One of the mothers constantly refers and calls her DS a divvy and retard . I thought that I would just be able to ignore it but she said it the other day 'oh x stop being such a bloody retard' and DD said to me 'whats a retard mummy'

Some people are just vile I'm afraid.

I agree with Desi- the head can't control what parents say to each other.
Intimidation and fighting would be another matter but a private conversation that you overheard? out of bounds, I 'm afraid

Meant you were right to say nothing to the pigs in the playground, not you'd be right to say nothing to the head. I think it's worth saying something to the head, but not complaining about other parents.

Well I wasn't going to ask the head to say anyhtng to the parents - but maybe to do a circle time with the children or something? I just thought she should be made aware of it and that I'm unhappy about it.

I really would rather not say anything to the parents myself as I don't want it to affect dd - at the moment she is getting on well with these women's children. I want her to stay at the school, its close and despite the local reputation seems very good to me.

Grim, I'm afraid you've encountered small-mindedness of the highest order! I remember being when I first heard someone being so out and out racist. If i'm involved in a conversation, I try to challenge these kinds of views by saying how surprised I am and explaining how I feel about the issue. Unfortunately, people like this do exist, but as others have said, we all have a right to free speech, regardless of how repugnant some ideas may be!

There's is no reason to consider leaving the school imo.
Schools do generally work on a n ethos of acceptance and tolerance and I am sure that is what they learn.

grim, the head will be well aware of attitudes like this!

Grim, I also live in an area where there are lotsa people with similar "views" to those you've encountered. It's a lovely village where we live, but it's next to a biggish town which is basically the HQ of the BNP. Seriously, it is. I've had to stand and listen to very comments from outwardly respectable people at the school gates, I can tell you. Horrible stuff. And I have said things back to them along the lines of "You shouldn't be sying that." Either they just laugh or say: "I don't care, I'll say what I want." Basically, I think it's just years and years of casual racism that's bred into some people around here. And going to see the head or having a massive row with one of them is probably not gonna change a thing.

All I want to make sure of is that my dds don't pick up those views at school. It's a struggle sometimes, but we're winning through.

whereabouts do you live?

sounds awful

I t sounds awful and it IS illegal: it's incitement to racial hatred. I would tell the head and I WOULD ask them to mention it to the parents. So Desiderata, I'm afraid freedom of speech doesn't extend to breaking the law.

My friend has had comments made like that but behind her back. My friend is outspoken and would go crazy if she heard them. Her DS's daddys parents are West Indian and he is very dark skinned - my friend is white. Their beautiful DS is (as my DS says) milk chocolate and beautiful. He is a very handsome little boy. A group of mums have always discussed her son - last week friends DP came to school for assembly and you could see their faces thinking - 'oh right he's not adopted'.

We live in such a mixed race area that I dont understand these bigoted people!

I would definitly mention the incident - you dont have to name names.

you did the right thing. I wouldn't approach the head tbh because they'll know it was you and it might make things worse and also because it probably won't make any difference anyway.

Ignore it and rise above it.

Puppy -similar here - I think its just the way people think which is very depressing. They almost certainly don't consider it racist as they really think its The Truth.

I know that speaking to the head won't change anything but I feel so strongly that I can't just do/say nothing. Whats that saying, something like All it takes for evil to flourish is for good (wo)men to say nothing?

Its revolting and IMO there is no reason on this earth why me and my child should have to listen to that sort of bigotd shite at school - I'd not be so pissed off had it been in the street but in a school?

I would try to move. Just imagien what their kids are like. And if the school has a bad reputation, it's probably for a good reason.

I do not think your being ott. Your children are at a very influential age and you don't want them hearing comments like that.

It was on school grounds and as such if you can identify the name of the parents I don't think its unreasonable for the head to ask that they not make racist comments on school grounds.

My partner who is a teacher also agrees.

QuennMother - exactly. Its not just nasty but its illegal. It should not be tolerated anywhere but much less on school property in front of other people's children.