Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to object to other parent's vile racist remarks in the nursery playground?

332 replies

grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 19:28

We recently moved to a new area and dd (just 3) has started at the nursery attatched to the primary school round the corner. Its on a council estate that has a bit of a 'reputation' but tbh that doesn't bother me, the school is lovely nd small and the staff seem excellent. DD loves it there and is making friends, but I'm having problems with the other parents.

Basically they refuse to speak to me. Its not paranoia, they really do and have done since the first morning when I dropped her off. They just give me dirty looks and don't reply when I say hello. Only one of them acknowledges me, and she runs the local shop so isn't going to be rude to the customers! Its a close community and they all know each other etc etc, and I'm an outsider with a posh accent, pink hair, and a faceful of piercings. I can live with being ignored, but...

Today when we were waiting to go in to drop the dc's off, two of the women started having a conversation about a recent trip one of them had had to make with her ds. She was basically bitching about how carp the treatment was, but then these comments were made:

"The place was full of Asians pretending to have heart attacks so they'd get seen first"

"Next time I go I'll be boot polishing our faces to get better treatment"

"The bloody Arabs want to piss off back home and stop bleeding our hospitals dry"

This was in front of children, and I was furious. I picked up dd and carried her to the other end of the playground to look at the daffodils, and I could feel them (the mothers not the daffodils!) watching me. I felt really uncomfortable, I wanted to say something but tbh I was worried about getting smacked - they are pretty tough aggressive women.

I'm quite ashamed of myself for not having the guts to stand up and say something at the time but didn't want dd to see me get into an argument, or to do it on school grounds. I'm going to put in a complaint to the head tomorrow - is this OTT?

OP posts:
dingdong05 · 17/03/2008 20:28

Unfortunately there are twats everywhere, and I doubt the ht can or would do anything about it.
Hell, I told ours we had nits so she could tell others t check their kids but all she did was look at me as if I was a bit mad for telling her!

Desiderata · 17/03/2008 20:28

I would be very careful, QueenMother. What you're accusing me of is a personal attack.

For what it's worth, here is my view. The OP should have tackled the women openly. She already says in her OP that she's ashamed for not having the guts. In the same situation, I would have said something, particularly if my child have been within earshot of the comments.

She then asked if putting a complaint in to the head was OTT, and in my response, I said yes it was. If you wish to tackle racism, it is never wise to further alienate the very people whose minds you would wish to change.

What I disagree with is going to the head on what is, essentially (and however loudly it was conducted), a private conversation.

DeeRiguer · 17/03/2008 20:29

WT is soo right
and
round here, they often have dogs n'all ..

op you are in horrid situation but i wouldnt personally challenge them in that situation
but would and do challenge racism when in other situations, other people etc..

if they are playing this for laughs, then, to me, its a great big red light to stay well away from them from the get-go...
its self preservation in the end
picking your battles and living to fight another day etc..

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:29

I disagree with you completely QM.
Freedom of speech doesn't mean you're going to agree with what you hear.

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:29

no, I will NOT 'wind my neck in' - I am allowed to disagree, it's a discussion forum. And I am reporting your post, you can disagree with me but calling it a 'dumbfuck accusation' isn't really a reasonable debating point is it?

and hang on, I have justified my comment, and quoted from Desiderata;s own posts. Equally, I don;t think I've been rude in doing so. OTOH, the responses I;m getting, blimey.

I'm quite shocked that people think it's ok to let these comments go unchallenged.

lou33 · 17/03/2008 20:30

I dont think desi was saying it was right, just stating that appears to be the way it is, sadly

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:31

I don't think you have justified your comments at all

Lulah · 17/03/2008 20:32

I wouldnt challenge them especially not in the playground.They may have just been gobbing off ,angry and may not actually be racists.

IMO because of the way this country has gone with all the immigration cock ups ( which have been admitted) the government have made certain groups of people go against each other because they feel they are not treated as fairly as the next person, unless they fit a criteria. The policies they brought in to place IMO make several people make racist comments when deep down they are not racist. Just angered at unfairness.
Unfortunately sometimes it is true .
My son could only just be understood in reception because his language was so poor and we waited 14months for speeech therapy and then only got 6 sessions and then the had to go back on list again. BUT a new lad from abroad arrived could not be understoood either so a translater was placed for the first term to help him learn some english a bit quicker. I see this as unfair but do not blame the lad for coming here just the govt for in my mind not treating us fairly. IMO

harpsichordcarrier · 17/03/2008 20:33

OK, well tbh I have heard these sort of views (and worse) from people in all sorts of places and from all sorts of walks of life.
racism is not confined to "rough areas" and council estates.
no, this wasn't an incitement to racial hatred - that really is going too far - but you now know who to avoid BUT don't judge the rest of the school and the rest of the children/parents based on the conversation of two of the women.
keep an open mind and wait a while before you make up your mind about the school and the parents.
and definitely don't make a complaint to the head - what would s/he be able to do about it? - but by all means mention it in passing if the circumstances allow.
sorry you are having a bad time settling in .

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:33

Desiderata, I haven't personally attacked you. I have surmised your views from your posts and invited you to disagree with me if I've misinterpreted them. And you haven't given me any evidence to make me change my mind so I won't withdraw my comments I'm afraid. You can report them if you like.

DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 20:34

Message withdrawn

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:35

You sound like an intolerant person yourself QM

constancereader · 17/03/2008 20:35

QM, you seem to have totally missed the point of Desiderata's comments. Which were well thought out and sensible imo.

Mercy · 17/03/2008 20:36

QM, I have had to ignore such comments over the years, not everyone is able to think on their feet and damn the consequences.

Grim, tbh I think you should join the PTA if and when you can; working from the inside is a good thing. Ask the office staff or any senior teacher for a copy of their policy on racism etc.

Desiderata · 17/03/2008 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

PuppyMonkey · 17/03/2008 20:37

Nobody said it WAS "ok" to let the comments go unchallenged. But RL isn't like a cosy, if heated, debate on MN. Those women would prob just laugh in yer face if challenged. Or worse. I've challenged people like that, and it did nothing.

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:39

what's well thought out and sensible about saying

"ARABS SHOULD PISS OFF HOME" is ok because of freedom of speech?

or

People should get some perspective about racism?

Sorry, I don't see any well thought out arguments from Desiderata.

And yes, I am quite intolerant of racism. And sexism. Gosh, how terrible of me.

I do feel for the OP, it's a horrible situation and this thread demonstrates why it's so difficult to do anything abuot it whne it happens to you.

WanderingTrolley · 17/03/2008 20:40

How would you have reacted in that playground though, QM? I would have done exactly what grim did, tbh, because I wouldn't want small children to be witness to hurled abuse and possibly fists too. But maybe we're just imagining different scenarios in the playground. I'm picturing the sort of people who will get very angry and possibly violent if you politely ask them to reconsider whether the playground is the right place for that sort of language.

And I think you've been very rude to Desi, tbh. I don't infer any calm and courteous reasoning from your posts at all, if that's what you mean by 'invited you to disagree with me.'

Lulah · 17/03/2008 20:40

Also just found out DsD cannot have BCG injection for TB as not enough jabs to go round as there are many children now here from countries where the disease is rife and they need it more??????
so all our white english,black english, italian irish greek chinese japanese european english etc.......kids have to remain at risk of catching the disease which is on the increase in the UK.
This is unfair.

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:41

NO ONE SAID IT WAS OK QM!!
Get a grip

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:43

Hang on, yes, I do feel strongly about this. And yes, I do feel there have been racist comments on this thread but all I have done is disagree, I haven't attacked anyone personally (other than disagree strongly with their VIEWS, which is a fdifferent matter entirely). I'm going to copy and paste all my posts so you can tell I haven't attacked anyone.

There's a diff between strong disagreement and slagging off/personal attack.

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:44

Lots of people feel strongly about this, you don't have the monopoly on it

constancereader · 17/03/2008 20:44

Desiderata didn't say the arabs should piss of home though, did she?

And if having more perspective on racism means people will read what people say rather than hysterically accusing them of racism, then perspective is a very good thing. A private opinion, however repugnant, cannot be illegal.

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:46

attacking me rather than my views is weird, I don't understand why you're doing it. I didn't say I had a monopoly on feeling strongly, why would I think so?

Mumcentreplus · 17/03/2008 20:46

Wow!...they are sooo lucky they weren't anywhere near me!...out and out racist attitudes...I don't except 'free speech' as an excuse for such ignorant comments!...what a bunch of cow-bags!