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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to object to other parent's vile racist remarks in the nursery playground?

332 replies

grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 19:28

We recently moved to a new area and dd (just 3) has started at the nursery attatched to the primary school round the corner. Its on a council estate that has a bit of a 'reputation' but tbh that doesn't bother me, the school is lovely nd small and the staff seem excellent. DD loves it there and is making friends, but I'm having problems with the other parents.

Basically they refuse to speak to me. Its not paranoia, they really do and have done since the first morning when I dropped her off. They just give me dirty looks and don't reply when I say hello. Only one of them acknowledges me, and she runs the local shop so isn't going to be rude to the customers! Its a close community and they all know each other etc etc, and I'm an outsider with a posh accent, pink hair, and a faceful of piercings. I can live with being ignored, but...

Today when we were waiting to go in to drop the dc's off, two of the women started having a conversation about a recent trip one of them had had to make with her ds. She was basically bitching about how carp the treatment was, but then these comments were made:

"The place was full of Asians pretending to have heart attacks so they'd get seen first"

"Next time I go I'll be boot polishing our faces to get better treatment"

"The bloody Arabs want to piss off back home and stop bleeding our hospitals dry"

This was in front of children, and I was furious. I picked up dd and carried her to the other end of the playground to look at the daffodils, and I could feel them (the mothers not the daffodils!) watching me. I felt really uncomfortable, I wanted to say something but tbh I was worried about getting smacked - they are pretty tough aggressive women.

I'm quite ashamed of myself for not having the guts to stand up and say something at the time but didn't want dd to see me get into an argument, or to do it on school grounds. I'm going to put in a complaint to the head tomorrow - is this OTT?

OP posts:
Desiderata · 17/03/2008 20:13

Now, how did I know, QueenMother, that your next post would degenerate to calling me a racist?

You are the one who sounds intolerant.

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:14

but it's the principle. Why do people NOT challenge absolute vile racism like this where they hear it? Why's it considred over the top of object to some people saying LOUDLY in a public place that a "place was full of Asians pretendng to have heart attacks"?

"Bloody arabs want to piss off home?" THAT'S CONSIDERED OK? What planet are you lot on defending these women?

DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 20:15

Message withdrawn

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:15

No, you sound racist. If you're not do tell me so but in the light of your comments I think it a fair assumption as you appear to be defending these comments as free speech. Tell me if I've got it wrong.

Desiderata · 17/03/2008 20:16

No body, as far as I can see, is defending these women.

Mercy · 17/03/2008 20:16

Have you ever done it QueenM? (challenged someone that is?)

Trolleydolly71 · 17/03/2008 20:16

Message withdrawn

WanderingTrolley · 17/03/2008 20:16

People don't challenge racists because racists tend to be reactionary thugs who will smash your face in if you look at them funny.

PuppyMonkey · 17/03/2008 20:17

I don't think anyone was defending the women were they?

Desiderata · 17/03/2008 20:17

I don't feel the need to defend myself, QueenMother. You have made your assumptions. Nothing I can say will change your mind.

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:17

My point wasn't that anyone shoulsd call the police. My point was that actually, racism is not tolerated in this country in a lot of ways and that is protected by law via incitement to racial hatred being an offence. So it's NOT Ok.
Amd free speech doesn't cover it imo.

Original poster
grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 20:18

well I;m not calling anyone on here a racist but I do agree with QueenMother that these women can't go round shouting that sort of language - its awful and just Not On.

I feel more and more pissed off at myself now for not sayng something at the time - if it bothers me this much I think I should challenge it myself.

OP posts:
TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:18

Er not true but you Desiderata seem to be saying it's ok because it's free speech. I beg to differ.

DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 20:18

Message withdrawn

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:19

and you don't have to defend yourself, I couldn't care less if you do or not, but if you think these kind of comments are covered by 'free speech' then I reserve my right to think you racist.

WanderingTrolley · 17/03/2008 20:19

I haven't seen racism from Desi here.

Do tell us about the time you tackled a bunch of angry scumbags on a point of intolerance, QM.

PABLOP · 17/03/2008 20:19

I think joining the PTA is a great idea, you have only been in the area for a short while so bide your time you may find that the majority do not think like these racist bigots and yes those sort of comments are certainly racist.

I always think there is a fine line between racism and ignorance.

You have behaved well, better than I would to be honest.

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:21

No one was defending them QM. And Desi never once said it was okay.
You need to stop acuusing other posters of saying it was okay just because they don't think like you.

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:23

And yes, I absolutely have spoken up when I've heard racist comments.

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:23

QM, you are out of order. You have made yourself sound silly.
I think you should apologise for calling Desi racist.

DoodleToYou · 17/03/2008 20:24

Message withdrawn

Original poster
grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 20:24

Free speech - so would I go stomping in there saying that I went to the hospital and it was full of fat chavvy women who eat chips, smoke, and drive everywhere, then are surprised they have heart attacks at 40 and are a real drain on the NHS???

No, I would not. Because that would be rude and inflammatory, and I have respect for other people.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 17/03/2008 20:25

But people do say that grim- and a lot worse.

Greyriverside · 17/03/2008 20:26

Grimupnorth, when you say 'bunch of soft southerners' about your friends I expect it's in a playful way, but isn't it technically the same as saying "lazy French" or "thick Irish'. Are you not saying that a group of people share a common fault because they are "from over there" You might have chosen your words more carefully if you had been making a speech, but you were just chatting idly to friends (as were the women in the playground)

I'm not really supporting them as I cringe at nastily intended racist remarks too, but you have to take into account that in some areas people have always talked roughly to and about each other. You may hear them shout at a dear friend "come here you lazy slut" and so on. The point being that it may sometimes be less nasty than it sounds. Also some of the apparent racism isn't truly about race even though it's expressed that way, but about 'people who come here and use up the limited resources' which is a valid complaint/opinion if only it were phrased more precisely.

TheQueenMother · 17/03/2008 20:26

Actually Desdireata said (and remember we're talking about "Arabs piss off home" comments)

"Regardless of your personal values, and they're worthy values, other people have a right to express their own. It's called freedom of speech, I'm afraid." I disagree, strongly

and

"I really do think some perspective is called for on the whole subject of racism."

Oh ok, alright to say that Arabs should piss off home, silly me, I need to get some perspective. Durr.

I would say that's defending the right of these women to say this stuff.