Wife is the higher earner

[Notsureanymorepri]

Husband has a decent salary (£70k gross), in the last 2 years my income has grown to 500-600k (mainly due to variable compensation) from around 110-130k. we have always split all expenses 50-50 and kept our finances separated. we have a relatively frugal lifestyle. No debt, mortgage paid off. The cost of nursery where we live in London is £2.4K/month for our only child and due to brexit he may have lost 10 years of pension contributions abroad so is in catch up mode and I agree this is a priority. he now feels under financial pressure at the prospect of booking holidays and did not sleep for days when we found out that the results of the state school we were aiming for have plummeted and we MAY need to consider private as an option in 2 years…i have spoken about me paying for the holidays or me contributing more to the joint account but he doesn’t seem keen. What options could I suggest to make it seem fair that we adjust our lifestyle a little bit if reasonably affordable at household income level without making him feel bad about himself (I am proud of his career and he does have an important job) please?

I would consider splitting the finances pro rata rather than 50/50. Have a joint account where your pro rata payments are paid in monthly that cover your household expenses including: bills, childcare, food, child clothes, toys etc.

Then have a pro rata savings account for:
Holidays
Stuff like car servicing insurance etc.
Home improvements.

Then have longer term joint savings account which will provide financial security for you both.

You earn half a million a year? Yes, you're right. Your DH needs to swallow his pride (sounds like that's the reason) and accept a great deal more from you. Your salaries are miles apart.

£70k is still a great salary, not sure why losing sleep over private when you earn so much - why don't you just cover school fees from your salary?

I substantially out earn my husband too (no-where near either of your amounts), and he also wants to contribute 50% as he feels a bit emasculated sometimes. Holiday costs usually cause a bit of debate here too. I just remind him we are married and it's all our money, plus in the past he out earned me etc.

DH and I have separate finances but have never thought in terms of 50:50 splits - I suppose we operate 'From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs'. This can work fine if you trust each other and are true equal partners apart from salary.

It would be daft to negatively impact your child's education out of misplaced pride of some sort. You have the means, your child has the need.

Another approach is that you each have some amount of 'discretionary spend' for your own clothes, hobbies etc and the balance - however disparate - goes into the family pot.

We put all earnings into joint and paid house/car/holiday/day to day from that, and took an equal amount each for personal spends.
Pension came out of joint.
Didn't matter then who was higher earner, or if one of us wasn't working at all as long as household in total was still paying it's way.

Gosh I think it’s appalling that you earn all you do and expect him to pay half of everything!

How on earth is that fair?

And believe me on a salary of 70k you cannot afford half of the bills and half of the fees for private school

If you had half a brain you would understand this in a nano second

He earns 70k and he's worrying how to pay for a holiday?
Ok

Have you asked him whether he'd think twice about the cost of family holidays and school fees if your salaries were reversed? Make him do the thought experiment, what would he expect each of you to contribute. Obviously only non-sexist solutions will be deemed acceptable?

She doesn't, the problem is he thinks he should be paying half.

Why would he insist on paying half of everything when he earns a fraction of what you earn? And why are you letting him do that?

Is this some weird misogynistic thing about him not wanting to be outearned by a woman? Fuck that.

I earn several multiples of what DH earns. I wouldn't dream of expecting him to contribute half of all our costs. Thankfully, he doesn't have the weird caveman view that he must be the one to provide for the family either.

Yep! 🎻

This post is crazy. My family finances are similar but my DH earns the bigger wage (although not quite as much as you) and I'm on similar to your DH. It would never occur to me that it should be 50:50. Ask him where he thinks all your extra money should go? You're married with a child! Tell him his attitude is stressing you out and you should be able to just pay for holidays, school fees etc without either if you being stressed when there's plenty of money for it. Tell him everything will be pooled from now on- legally your finances are joint anyway.

It's not healthy for your child to grow up amongst the rigid views of gender roles which your set up perpetuates. If he earned more than you, I think he'd share so refusing to share because you are the higher earner is pretty toxic tbh. I'd talk with him about what he's modelling to your child. Then either contribute proportionately or join your finances fully.

That.

And ignore the unpleasant posts. I only earned around half your dh's salary, but I can still recognise that you have a problem here from a relationship point of view. And you're entitled to all advice on it.

I can’t understand why your husband had a problem with your salary being family money but that aside, suggest you pay for the private school.
What does he want you to spend your millions on?

Stop all of this your money/my money nonsense and you wouldn't have this problem.

It depends if it’s a man bs woman thing though, dh earns much more than I do in retail and I do hate that essentially he pays for everything and I earn the shopping money or enough for the electricity bill etc. if I earned enough that under normal circumstances I could properly contribute I would be saying can we not do eg this lavish thing, because I’d be thinking’well I can’t afford that!’ But yes, something he needs to get over. And while my eyes are watering a bit at your salary I think people are awful saying it’s a stealth post etc because why should mn problems only be lack of money related?

Your DH is far too attached to gender roles and not attached enough to your partnership.

He is making his own life difficult by not accepting that your family currently has good income and continuing to see himself as an individual. If his thinking was taken further, then if he was the one who earned 500k a year, he would expect you to still pay 50%. Surely that's problematic on many levels.

What industry do you work in? Or do you run a business? Would love to know!

Definitely pool finances or have a joint account for all the things you do as a family like holidays, days out, school fees etc. And keep your own personal spending money separate. My sis and bro in law were in a similar position previously. Both lawyers but her husband started own firm while sis works for one of the largest firms. She used to out earn him by a similar margin when they first started. Now his firm is also doing very well and they are nearly on par. My bro in law never let it bother him and they always shared finances.

Joint account, wages go in, bills come out, take out an amount a month each- equally for personal spends. You are a team, it’s your money collective, your family expenses.

With no mortgage I’m surprised he is struggling

You’re so rude.
Also, did you not read oPs post, she’s not expecting him to pay half. She’s asking for ideas on how to pay more whilst not making him feel bad. He’s clearly struggling with the idea of not paying half given he’s turned down her attenpts to contribute more

I earn just over 80k and my DH just over 100k - we split expenses proportional to our gross salaries, always have. When he was a student living on a grant, I paid for almost everything. When I was on mat leave with almost no pay, he paid for almost everything.

We have a spreadsheet that splits everything proportionally. It's the only fair way to do it because salaries aren't consistent across a lifetime for either of you. Split all joint expenses (including private school etc) proportionally - he'll have a lot more spare money, and that's fair