Wife is the higher earner

[Notsureanymorepri]

Husband has a decent salary (£70k gross), in the last 2 years my income has grown to 500-600k (mainly due to variable compensation) from around 110-130k. we have always split all expenses 50-50 and kept our finances separated. we have a relatively frugal lifestyle. No debt, mortgage paid off. The cost of nursery where we live in London is £2.4K/month for our only child and due to brexit he may have lost 10 years of pension contributions abroad so is in catch up mode and I agree this is a priority. he now feels under financial pressure at the prospect of booking holidays and did not sleep for days when we found out that the results of the state school we were aiming for have plummeted and we MAY need to consider private as an option in 2 years…i have spoken about me paying for the holidays or me contributing more to the joint account but he doesn’t seem keen. What options could I suggest to make it seem fair that we adjust our lifestyle a little bit if reasonably affordable at household income level without making him feel bad about himself (I am proud of his career and he does have an important job) please?

Given that your income has increased so much split everything proportionally - that's what would be suggested if the sexes were reversed.

I think you need to have a discussion with him - it does sound as though his pride is maybe dented because your salary is vastly different to his. A 50/50 split isn’t an ideal solution in your case. As others have suggested maybe a joint pot for all the bills might work better or you both agree a 50/50
amount to pay into the bills account but you agree to take charge of other expenses in addition eg holidays, days out, school fees (if going private is what you end up doing going forward)
hope you manage to find a solution that suits both of you

🤔wonder if OP will be back?

Yes there are people richer than you will ever be and yes they are allowed to post on MN without snarky comments

@Flamesatmytoes Lots of couples prefer to keep their finances separate though. I can see the logic of what you’re saying-but they may not want to do this.

DH and I have been married over 20 years and have both been the main breadwinner at times, supported the other one through degrees, etc. but we’ve always kept separate accounts, plus a couple of joint ones that we both pay into. We just prefer it that way. 🤷

The difference is they neither of us resists if the other wants to treat us to a holiday, for example. Never look a gift horse in the mouth, as the saying goes!

I would have resigned and would be living the life of Riley if my spouse was earning that sort of money.

As he's clearly more driven than I am, it should be split proportionally with you also taking care of school fees.

Suck in your bile and read the post again Petal

Personally I think when you’re married, especially with a family, it makes sense to pool all your money into a family pot that belongs to everyone because you’re a team (not always a popular opinion on MN). But failing that then split bills/holidays etc pro rata. So at 500k v 70k you’re earning 7 times more and he’s earning 12% of the total household income (rounded and pre-tax for ease of illustration). Eg if the family holidays cost £10k he would contribute £1,200 and you’d pay the rest. It’s not unreasonable of you to want a lifestyle that you could easily afford on your salary, eg luxury holidays, fancy restaurants, private school. Although if he has reservations about private school that aren’t to do with the financial aspect, that’s a different conversation.

Surely what you are paying in nursery fees will be similar for private?

Me and DH had our salaries paid into the same account despite me earning 2x his salary. From that account we each took the same amount of spending money into our own account. Everything else came out of that joint account. I really don’t understand why married couples wouldn’t do this.

I don’t really understand how a married couple can’t have a basic conversation about this.

If you have a happy healthy relationship and it sounds like you do, sit down and say ‘look - as a family we’re doing amazingly. You’re eating great money, I’m earning bonkers money. What are our long term goals and let’s work towards that together and that means I’ll contribute more but we’re equal in every way’

Put the money together and work out your financial plan and crack on. Job done.

Why are people so bitter that some people earn really well?

They can still have problems

I think the point is it’s a really weird & unnecessary problem to have…

Surely a joint account is the way to solve this? Even if your wages go into your own account first to protect you, then you leave yourself both equal amounts of general spends then the rest goes into the joint pot
Holidays, food, schools etc all come out the joint pot. Less focus on how much more you earn and how he's now a real man for not out earning you

Hi Mrs Sunak

What do you do with your excess money?

We split our costs proportionally, as over time each of us has been the higher earner. We put a set percentage into the joint account, and keep the rest as personal. When there is a very large disparity like yours, it might be fairer to keep a fixed amount each for personal spends, and put the remainder in joint access.
Is there any way you can contribute to a private pension for him also? Even secretly??

^^This.

At this level of income, it's about goals, investments, what you want from the money.

I think you start by agreeing that all income is family money (you're married so that's pretty much how a court would view it) and build from there.

You are a family which earns X amount - what do you and dh want to do with it?

Consider the respective amount that childcare facilitates and pay for it accordingly! E.g you pay four fifths and he pay a fifth.

Have a joint household account and pay into it or rata to earnings to cover all domestic , family and child related costs. Once the money is in this account it is joint family money. Do the same with a joint savings account and agree a % of your salary to pay in. That is then joint family savings.

Tell him it’s just money. What matters is how you work as a team to run your family and home.

I just dont get 'his' and 'her' money when you are a family.

I'm currently the higher earner but we share our resources.

Me neither.

I think the OP wants to contribute more but the fragile male ego is feeling emasculated…

I really don't understand how two people capable of earning this amount of money cannot find a quick easy solution to this.

His salary alone is decent salary.

Suggest he use his salary to max his pension.
Put some of your variable pay into a account for school fees and your holidays.
Rest is household.

This doesn't need to be a problem and is completely solvable.

What a ridiculous thread. You should probably cover most costs tbh. Other than that he just sounds like a fragile little man.

I know some people stay separate, but the disparity here is so great it’s unlikely to ever switch, and it’s a different world once you hit the 500/600k. Do you want your like partner in the same world or not? That to me is the issue here.

Just merge your finances! You're married. We have the reverse of your situation approximately and all our money is paid to a joint account, equal investments and pension contributions. Husband also cooks, does childcare etc.