Wife is the higher earner

[Notsureanymorepri]

Husband has a decent salary (£70k gross), in the last 2 years my income has grown to 500-600k (mainly due to variable compensation) from around 110-130k. we have always split all expenses 50-50 and kept our finances separated. we have a relatively frugal lifestyle. No debt, mortgage paid off. The cost of nursery where we live in London is £2.4K/month for our only child and due to brexit he may have lost 10 years of pension contributions abroad so is in catch up mode and I agree this is a priority. he now feels under financial pressure at the prospect of booking holidays and did not sleep for days when we found out that the results of the state school we were aiming for have plummeted and we MAY need to consider private as an option in 2 years…i have spoken about me paying for the holidays or me contributing more to the joint account but he doesn’t seem keen. What options could I suggest to make it seem fair that we adjust our lifestyle a little bit if reasonably affordable at household income level without making him feel bad about himself (I am proud of his career and he does have an important job) please?

I earn double my partner whilst working part time and what we do is put half our wages into joint account-everything joint comes out of that.
We then have a cap on personal savings-once that’s reached everything gets split into extra mortgage payment/long term savings/credit card/fun money for holidays etc.
Neither of us realise by this point whose money pays what. But it does also mean I have more every month to buy nicer things for myself - not that I do all that often!

We've always stuck to 40% of all take home pay going into the joint account for all shared outgoings. Earnings have varied over the years but we generally run a surplus which becomes the holiday fund for the year after.

My poor heart bleeds for you

What's the problem again? Sensible thing to do would be for you to make bigger pension payments for him that reduces your no doubt epic tax bill. Could set up a separate SIPP just for him?

Holidays and school fees you pay for. Just get one account then the disparity of contributions is lessened. You sound like Sensible people. You could plan for retirement together, maybe get a second property so you are not frittering money away.

Yes your DH needs to swallow his pride and accept that you out earn him threefold. If his job is worthwhile doing and he enjoys it, he has nothing to be ashamed of. If it were the other way round, no-one would bat an eyelid and indeed, some women would use a high warning husband as an excuse not to work.

It must be quite frustrating for you and obviously a delicate topic. But why shouldn’t your family enjoy the fruits of your labour?

I earn twice what my husband does so I pay twice what he does towards bills etc. Holidays and other extras we go halves on because we both have the same amount of disposable income after the regular outgoings. Our salaries are nowhere near as much as yours though. It seems crazy you effectively need to reduce your quality of life because your husband can’t accept you earn a lot more than he does.

Just out of interest and ignorance, what field do you work in? (And how do I retrain..?!)

I like the sound of the costs being split proportionally - with the compensations you mentioned, are they regularly paid over the year or performance related and not guaranteed?

If the latter, can you review your previous years spending and compensate your DH proportionally to both incomes? It sounds quite soulless and has the potential for resentment.

Both of you need to understand the psychology to his refusal and then reframe the expenditures and savings from there.

Quite transparent but suppose you had already started saving toward potential school fees… would it then become a moot point or more of an issue? It’s a tricky one - best of luck

😂😂😂

I earn more than DH, though the gap isn't enormous as it is in your case so we both feel comfortable with the 50/50 split.

I do think it would have to change if the gap was enormous because it would mean our lifestyles would be so incredibly different or I just wouldn't be able to spend any of my money. I would never agree to one joint account though so it would be just a case of paying a higher percentage of bills etc.

@Notsureanymorepri

Well, he needs to get over himself, obviously. It doesn't matter who is the 'higher earner'. It matters that the family has all it needs and some of what it wants. Would he feel the same if he was the higher earner? No? Then suggest he get counseling to realize how lucky he is to live in a family where lack of money isn't an issue.

I'm assuming that you have a good deal of disposable income/income that can be redirected. I guess first I'd tackle the children's education. If you need to go private, you pay for it and the devil take the hindmost. If his little ego gets bruised, tough shit. He needs to understand that the children's future must have first priority regardless of anyone's ego.

My second priority would be to bring his pension contributions up to par. A well funded retirement is of benefit to both members of a couple. I'm not in the UK, so I don't know exactly how that would work. Here in the US you can't make 'voluntary contributions' to Social Security (our version of 'state pension') to boost your pension but you can to certain public sector jobs. Private sector jobs, not so much. Although an actual monthly 'pension' has pretty much gone the way of the dodo for most private jobs. They only offer various savings schemes. Some are pre-tax, some are after tax. But I digress. I'd offer to make him 'good' by either paying in lump sum or monthly contributions, or by starting some sort of retirement savings plan. But if he won't accept that, that's on him. Obviously he's being shortsighted but what can you do? I guess if you want, just be sure you have good life insurance to supplement his income should you die first.

After that, he can do whatever he wants as far as percentages of contribution to joint expenses. But he needs to STFU about it if he feels hard done by yet won't change the way it's done. What does he want you to do? Work 1 day a week so your earnings are more 'comparable' to save his fragile little ego? Fuck that.

God, men and their egos! I'm so thankful that my DH never had that issue when I was the higher earner. I didn't out earn him to the same extent that you out earn your DH, but still.

We have a joint account so this doesnt come up. I've always out-earned him. Previously I took home about 50% more, now it's around 100%. We consider contributions come from other aspects of our relationship, not just the amount we earn. He has wfh for a long time so did a lot of the parenting when the kids were younger, for example.

@Flamesatmytoes I imagine that it depends on lifestyle preferences as well. If the OP tends to be frugal, their income disparity isn’t going to be especially noticeable day-to-day. Ok, she might wear designer clothes and drive a nice car, but if she’s not jetting off alone on luxury holidays, it won’t make much difference.

I’m guessing that she works in the financial sector and that involves long hours so she probably doesn’t have much time to spend her money. Plus annual bonuses are variable-it might be much lower next year.

In her shoes, I’d put money aside f school fees if they want to go that route, spend on the house and a nice holiday, sone treats for the family, and invest/save the rest. They may not have this type of income forever.

You’re married. Stick all the money in the same pot.

I agree with the proportionality answers OP. And ignore all the nasty comments-some people are so bitter.

To those wondering what OP is employed in - I only know of one person who earns slightly more than that - and they are in AI for a blue chip company. I hope she doesn't keep us guessing

This! We do this too. Put everything into the joint, so all big bills come out of that (and on your salary I would 100% go private on the school, especially with only 1 child!).
We don't even check who spends more on personal things out of the joint, to be honest, as we are both frugal so quite frankly, as long as no-one is taking advantage or taking the piss, neither of us cares if the other one is spending slightly more on personal things or not!

On a separate note - tell me what job you do which gives you that level of income! Are you a financial trader?

I've never understood 50/50 same as I don't understand it being family money, but each to their own. In my house we pay in proportion to our salaries. I get £1500 a month from my partner for his share and what we have left over is our own.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. Some very good ideas and I hope it is clear that the reason why I wanted to ask here it’s because the situation changed in the last couple of years both in terms of earning acceleration (mostly it’s commissions from sales, so not guaranteed at all for the future, and as some of you can imagine the risk of losing this kind of job is always very material if i stop performing or there is a change in strategy etc) and our expenses increasing. We had very similar circumstances for a long time so we were only thinking about the expected expenses and contributing to the joint account accordingly. We come from very humble beginnings (especially myself, my family was always struggling to pay bills) and we are figuring out as we go. Thank you for all the constructive advices, most of you have been very kind and helpful.

I do wonder when people are happy to share lives, houses, genetics & commit to marriage (legally binding them a 50/50 split of marital assets if it fails ) and then get squeamish about who pays for what.

budget for the life you have together (make it an annual task) including the dc education, and split proportionally to your salaries.

Both of you sound very out of touch with average earnings and how lots of people have to manage financially, tbh. But FWIW I do think your household finances ought to be all in one pot given the discrepancy in your incomes.

@Notsureanymorepri
Ignore the jealous and bitter comments.
Well done on your salary increase!

As PPs have suggested either pool your resources into one pot or put proportional amounts into the family spend. Ensure you have savings/pensions esp if you income is not guaranteed.

You need to put everything you both earn into a joint account. Pension, bills, holiday, school fees, etc. all comes out of that account and then you both get equal spending money. It sucks a little for the higher earner, but the benefit out ways the tiny stipend IMO. I earn more (about double) and we do the same - we get £100 a month to spend on whatever we like but it means I get to enjoy the same lifestyle with my husband rather than having money with nothing to do!

DH and I put everything in JA (I am higher earner x 2) and we make sure we both have the same 'personal' money left each month.

This is exactly what we do and it works really well.

It's disgusting that anyone earns that much. What a ridiculous amount of money.

I would throw a lot of your new cash at your mortgage if you have one, so if you stop making that kind of money your regular bills are lower. You could pay the school fees outright on your own if you decide to go private. If you just keep certain large expenses totally separate (paying school feed from a separate account) it could than more be a case of out of sight out of mind if you continue to share daily expenses.
When I had a bigger wage than DH early in our marriage I paid off all his CC debt (which he accumulated very young) and saved for a house down-payment without his knowledge.

He was shocked when I told him but also relieved and delighted (he makes a lot more than me now and we have always shared everything).