Wife is the higher earner

[Notsureanymorepri]

Husband has a decent salary (£70k gross), in the last 2 years my income has grown to 500-600k (mainly due to variable compensation) from around 110-130k. we have always split all expenses 50-50 and kept our finances separated. we have a relatively frugal lifestyle. No debt, mortgage paid off. The cost of nursery where we live in London is £2.4K/month for our only child and due to brexit he may have lost 10 years of pension contributions abroad so is in catch up mode and I agree this is a priority. he now feels under financial pressure at the prospect of booking holidays and did not sleep for days when we found out that the results of the state school we were aiming for have plummeted and we MAY need to consider private as an option in 2 years…i have spoken about me paying for the holidays or me contributing more to the joint account but he doesn’t seem keen. What options could I suggest to make it seem fair that we adjust our lifestyle a little bit if reasonably affordable at household income level without making him feel bad about himself (I am proud of his career and he does have an important job) please?

Not hijacking just responding to
someone who said that Op would be better off once school starts. She won’t !

And also agreeing with OPs comment that private school is somewhat unfair. I thought this was a space for conversation?

No it’s a space for helping the OP with her particular issue.

I tend to agree, discussion surrounding the rights and wrongs of the U.K. schooling system is complex and would be interesting for another thread.

In OP’s case her excess income from two years work would more than cover the cost of her child’s entire school career for 14 years - if she chose the top school in the country. At an average private school it is less than one year’s excess income.

In short, her husband worrying about the cost of private school is crazy, and to deny a child who will be so wealthy the advantages and social placement they would attain via private school would be to dislocate them from their natural social group.

How exactly is a child who stands to have a multimillion inheritance going to get along with Jodi whose Mum works as a supervisor in Asda?

From what I’ve known is that there is little commonality and risk of bullying/assault where there is a chasm in socioeconomic standing, be it wealthy going to a state school or poor going to a private school on scholarship.

OP use your money in the best interests of all your family, help your husband to move on from his pension crisis by getting a plan in place that is less constricting and by meeting other costs such as education and holidays to alleviate pressure if you feel these are priorities for you.

Yes, but the discussion already morphed probably on page2 into something else…

I find it really odd when married couples don't have joint finances. Apart from pension contributions and ISAs all my and my husband's money goes into a joint account. I don't really understand what 'your' and 'my' money means if you have kids and a shared household. (Obviously I would not advise an unmarried couple to treat assets in this way).

Thank you for the detailed comment, Justia. would you expect the natural socioeconomic group to be for a family like ours to be found in a private school setting? Our aspiration for our child is that he gets the tools to thrive in a variety of settings, whether it’s here or abroad, curiosity, openness to others. I am probably an adult version of Jodi 😂

@justasking111 let me put it this way, in the current financial year/last 9 months I paid roughly £250k in tax and roughly 14k in national insurance and If I want my child to go to a school with good results I need to go private. It seems a bit sad.

Well use your excess income to buy a new house somewhere else.

How come you've not got a financial advisor to tell you all this stuff you're asking about on here? People who earn over half a million quid a year don't get finance tips from Mumsnet; it's pointless.

What exactly are the big extra expenses you have which he can’t fund on his £70k salary?

School fees…

Have you moved house and got a much larger mortgage?

Is it that you now want to go on £20k holidays?

I earn more than my DH and tbh I largely save it - plus some day-to-day expenses I don’t pay myself back for like food, kids clothes, household stuff, vet bills, flights:

TBH I’m not sure he’s even aware that I do the above. You could just pay for stuff and feign ignorance.

This must be the most pathetic thing I have ever read on MN:
How exactly is a child who stands to have a multimillion inheritance going to get along with Jodi whose Mum works as a supervisor in Asda?

I think they would get along very well actually and if our stupid wealthy private educated ppl in government for instance had a few "common" friends, our country probably wouldn't be so pathetically shit

@Notsureanymorepri

If a child’s parents cannot afford private school but they are bright and get a scholarship they can of course go. But they will run into problems because they won’t go on X holidays a year, they won’t be doing expensive hobbies or be able to afford the school ski trip, their clothes won’t be from xyz places. On short their standard of living is different and this can present problems with social cohesion and integration within the group.

Similarly you can expect same if OP’s child goes to a state school. They will have a different standard of living and will be at risk because of it.

In the former case there is motivation to take that risk of the child being ostracised socially because the pay of is increased academic opportunity and higher earning potential.

In the latter case, there is nothing to be gained for the child except a sense of moral superiority that they could have gone to the posh school but wanted to get along with all the rest.

I wouldn’t attempt to categorise anyone, but do you see what I’m saying - why set your child up for difficulty and ridicule if there is nothing to be gained?

@Sweetleftfood

I suffered physical assault at the hands of some Jodi’s. Other friends of mine had the same and/or bullying. None of us had anything like the OP’s wealth growing up, but enough for it to be an issue with some (others perfectly lovely).

Personally, if I were in the financial position OP is in I would not send DC to state school. You may as well stick a target on their back.

As a bit of on aside OP, are you sure that the pensions contributions are lost? I moved the other way (before Brexit) and my understanding is that the years I paid in the UK will be considered to help me gain a higher pension in my current EU country (so in essence I won't have a reduction due to my number of worked years but will only get a pension pro-rata of the years I've paid in here). I'll also then get my pro-rata pension in the UK.

I would really double check that this isn't the case.

Or move to an affluent area. Plenty of CEO’s in my kids school. I think I’m the only one not driving a Range Rover or a 4x4 Bentley. I can tell you the Jones’ round here can certainly take a bit of keeping up with if that’s your thing.

This is exactly my husband’s understanding that was challenged by many on this thread: kids at private school have an expensive lifestyle and if you are frugal/not as wealthy you are going to be feel inferior. Therefore we will feel the pressure to live the bankers’ life and feel not great about ourselves…yet many said no, every class is represented, it’s just an educational choice…any thoughts?

Sorry to hear that, must have been horrible.

My kids didn't go to private school. But some of their friends did, and I work with people whose children go to private school. I simply don't recognise this 'keeping up with the holidays and expensive hobbies/clothes etc' thing. My friends earn less than OP and her husband, and are not remotely flashy with regard to holidays and clothes. In fact they seem similarly frugal to OP.

My daughter's best friend was transferred to private by her parents at 14. Again, no big fancy house or flashy cars. They were quiet intellectual types who had Oxbridge aspirations for her (she and my DD both interviewed, friend got in and DD didn't, so maybe their money was well spent!)

I think it entirely depends on which private school you choose. Expensive elite school? Yes, I can imagine those issues. But (and I don't live in London) I don't see it in the (pretty good) private schools near me.

I think it's somewhat regional. Our private school has farmers sons, del boys sons, builders sons, overseas sons, aristos sons. A real mixed bag.

Pick up at school, you'll find more clapped out cars than mercs, at the end of term.

Personally, if I were in the financial position OP is in I would not send DC to state school. You may as well stick a target on their back.

Oh yes you must keep her away from the riffraff! They're all horrible

This is exactly my husband’s understanding that was challenged by many on this thread: kids at private school have an expensive lifestyle and if you are frugal/not as wealthy you are going to be feel inferior.

Hmmm, I long had this debate with my father. He went to one of the top English public schools; my mother similarly but educated abroad. They both hated their schools - my father's view on fagging is unprintable.

So they sent us to the local small primary school followed by the local bog standard comp. We lived in the country on the edge of a pretty down-trodden working class area which was the area for the local State schools. I was bullied physically & mentally from the age of 7 to 16 when thank god I did my A Levels and got out. Once at university I realised I wasn't a horrible person no-one liked, and that reading books wasn't a good reason to be punched or taunted.

The bullying was class-based, I'm pretty sure. We were known as "rich" because we read books, played tennis, and rode & sailed. All absolutely normal things to do in my family's background (yes, affluent country gentry types).

I'm philosophical about it - I'm pretty good at mixing with all sorts of people & the working-class comp rubbed the corners off me. But I wouldn't do it to a child of mine. The mental impact was something I still deal with 40 years later.

As I said, with respect to both @Justia and your DH, I think this is completely out of touch.

As I said there’s a big mix of backgrounds, cultures, wealth. At the more academic schools it’s cool to be clever not particularly to be rich. There will be a few super rich (whose parents may not have been from privileged backgrounds originally) and there will be students who have much less than yours. I never, nor did my kids, feel pressure to go on ski trips, dress expensively etc. If you model social confidence and your kids are secure in who they are, they can just be themselves.

True @Flamesatmytoes

It’s virtually the same thing; you pay for the property price or you pay for the private school, often both. We did former, we do not have a 4x4 though! (You’re right most parents have them at those sort of state schools!)

I obviously have a bad aftertaste from my own school experience which maybe makes me overly cautious. It was a great school, but the area surrounding had become dodgy so you had a mixed intake. Some kids had major social problems, parents alcoholic, abusive, in low paid jobs or not working… others had parents who were teachers, doctors, medium sized business owners. It was a weird mix and caused issues.

I guess OP and her DH will be able to assess the area surrounding state school if that’s what they go for.

In any event I hope she gets her things with DH resolved and he acquiesces to allow her to pay for more.

Were they not aware of the bullying? After hating school himself why was your father so pig headed to keep you at a school where you were bullied?

@Notsureanymorepri

I completely agree with @Mirabai, those at private school are a mix of backgrounds. Yes there are some bankers and multimillionaires, but mostly professionals (nhs professionals/dentist/teacher/civil servant/lawyer/accountant) or people with their own business (plumber/electrician/shop or other service). What I experienced in prep was that there were a lot of sahms too but it was a long time ago!! I think your collective salary is more than ample. And I think you can afford school trips etc no problem too.

What I was talking about is a child who gets in on scholarship and is from an impoverished background or perhaps the parents are just about managing the fees, but have nothing left for anything else. Then they can’t go to birthday parties or afford even mid range (m&s type) clothes or attend after school activities etc.

I remember a few kids coming to our school late on who were from an estate, there was a lot of chat around it because none of us had ever heard of an estate before and pretty much all lived in 4-5 bed detached houses. They did settle in quite well though once the initial week or so was done.

Conversely, when I went to a non private school later, there was an issue with me living in a detached house and with my parents buying me new clothes twice a year…. Happened with a lot of my prep school friends too just awful abuse.

I don’t think your child is going to be impoverished and set aside from others in private school @Notsureanymorepri not in the least. But with your collective income after tax being in excess of a quarter of a million they will stand out from a lot of those in state school (unless it is a very posh area where catchment has pricey housing in which case it is effectively private anyway).