To ask why the hate for boys?

[Numberttwotwo]

I know this has probably been discussed before. But I seem to come across something every day that makes me feel less worthy, someone to pity and just a bit shit.
I have 2 boys. They are kind, gentle, loving and the best of friends.
So why are my friends (really ‘good’ very longstanding friends) and strangers making comments that make me feel like this. Granted they’re comments about ‘boys’ and not MY boys.
I’ve been told (by a friend with one of each) that mums of boys won’t matter when they’re married and sons will be closer to the in laws.
I was told by a friend’s husband they HAD to find out the sex at 20 weeks because they’d have been soooo disappointed if it was a boy. (In front of my boys)
I was told yesterday (also in front of them) that my friend had been put off EVER having a boy by the behaviour of her nephew.
And this is not including all mentions of trying for a girl whenever we talk about possibly having a third.
I wish I had better ways of responding in the moment but for some reason I always bite my tongue.

YABU - boys are the worst and I pity anyone with more than one.
YANBU - the world should just parent their children and stop with the stupid comments based on nothing more than genitals

Rant over.

@wateringcanface I agree that he does have some despicable messages but I'm coming from the angle that we need to work with what we've got.
We can't go back in time to undo all the influences from society and it's such a struggle to undo all the damage that social media and all these TikTok clips from Tate and wannabe tates are putting out there.
So if it means connecting with the positive messages that validate masculinity and then encouraging critical thinking of the misogynistic and vile messages then that's a good start surely.
I honestly do believe that those messages are really confusing boys. They're muddled in what masculinity is, think that everyone is tarnishing their very essence as toxic and unable to filter out actual toxic messages.

There’s also the ‘boy mum’ group who see it as a badge of honour to have produced males.

My other half has a number of male friends who feel incredible sadness about having only had girls. They talk about it only when a little drunk and are aware it’s a real taboo. I guess girl preference is more common here as it’s a female site.

I agree with your post - it’s sad. Also agree with what PPs have said about people raising a stereotype rather than a human child. It’s very limiting for everyone - and ironically enough, if you hold that kind of attitude you’re probably more likely to have a child who is a walking gender stereotype with whom you have nothing in common anyway!

I'm sorry, I'm completely unable to draw positives about a man who became rich from being a pimp, and teaching courses on trafficking, became famous by starting a mlm where he gets boys to pay a monthly fee to share his content, who's vast majority of content is misogynistic, violent, blaming women for rape, discussing women's 'market value' and preaching that a man should have multiple wives and role is to impregnate women in order to have multiple sons. And to top if all off, the man is awaiting trial for extremely violent rape and human trafficking. Non of that can be dismissed with "but he tells boys to work hard and go to the gym so it's not all bad".

Girls aren't told that they need a role model, that they are poor little things that feel lost and misguided. Girls don't have people making up excuses for them on why they like what they do and act a certain way. There's 0 reasons anyone should find positives in andrew tates influence

Andrew Tate told his ‘members’ how if women say no to sex his members should slap and punch the women in face then pin them down, choke them, rape them (though he used the term fuck them) and then keep hitting them until they broke their jaw.

I am not interested in anything the man has to say. Nor matter if some people can see sense or truth in any of it. There is no positive messages from this man.

@wateringcanface I genuinely agree with you and I personally don't see positives in him either but thousands of boys do.
How do you suggest we work with this seeing as we can't just delete him from the internet.

We work with them by telling boys that he's not someone to be supported or idolised, and that by liking his messages, they are contributing to the spread of violence and misogyny. And by making excuses for a rapist, they aren't far better than the rapist himself.

We don't teach them to draw positives from him, or to excuse, ignore or downplay bad behaviour.

Ultimately, I'm not sure how we combat misogyny, but the solution doesn't come from finding the positives in his messages

@wateringcanface you know telling kids what to do like that never works that's why I suggested engaging with the positive messages and helping them to think critically about the negative and harmful ones.
I personally don't think of Tate as positive in any aspect but if we start talking to boys like that, we'll lose them to his side.

Thank you.

As I said I'm in a group on twitter that helps combat the negative messages, and some of the loudest voices on there are young men. Not every boy falls for it and many boys are part of the solution not the problem, but its so prevalent online, that it is challenging to avoid the influence.

And @HighQueenOfTheFarRealm admittedly I don't know the best way to speak to boys. But entertaining any conversation about a rapist and misogynist in any positive way just unsettles me to the core.

Won't be a popular theory but I do think men get a lot of hate from some women and suddenly birthing and raising one means they can no longer hold such unreasonable blanket/generalised beliefs about an entire sex. Easier to have girls because they can carry on with their same beliefs and opinions and impart them on their daughters quite naturally.

Wow what a shitty thing to say to you OP. I thought we were all just hoping for children healthy enough to have a good life? Jesus.

Good point.

What I find interesting is that very few people have said any thing like "all boys are awful". But posters are focussing on the ones that have. Maybe that's easier than facing up to the fact that there is work to be done, and we need to talk about how we're going to do it.

@StickyStickyStickSticks exactly! And in the kindest possible way…my SIL has 3 daughters and the volume of make up, clothes and nights out with their bits on show just give me anxiety 😂

Quite a few have said it and variations of are said hundreds of times a day on this site.

Yes, we’ve agreed on this. The babies would be aborted quite early on so

@Libertyy

Please save for sex selective fertility treatment abroad. I'm pro choice but to deliberately concieve knowing that there is a 50% chance you will abort it based on your own prejudice is a shit thing to do.

I understand many people will have a gender preference but I really don't think you're fit to be a mother if you can't love your own child for a reason beyond their control. I first read your comments when I was cuddling my 10 year old son this evening. He's wonderful - so funny, so loving, so clever, such a unique and curious mind. He's a ray of sunshine who brightens up each day. He's my little companion. Last week I was working from home whilst he was on Christmas holidays and he set up his laptop next to me so we could "work" together. He was actually gaming but so sweet the way he said "I could be in my room but I'd rather sit with my mum".
I'm pro-choice but I find it heartbreaking that someone could choose to terminate a child like my son simply because of their physiology.

I feel the same @SallyWD I was cuddling my 12 week old, my third boy. Reading this thread I am so glad my boys came to me and not someone who would have terminated them because of what genitals they have. I just don't understand it.

I’m sure your boys are lovely and I’m sure they definitely do brighten up your world but it would ruin my life having them. I resent having men in my family telling me what I can and cannot do, I don’t want to be responsible for a son or the actions they may take in the future. I don’t want my son to turn into a grooming gang member or one who thinks it’s okay to kill the women in his family, I do resent men, the freedoms they have that I can never have. The actions they take that they’d be overlooked for but my daughters would be berated for, I just cannot deal with double standards so it’s best cutting the middle man out and sticking with daughters. I would happily kill my son if he was any of the above so I can’t risk it

Ironically enough, the many bitchy and downright nasty comments on this thread prove that women are not universally nice, kind and good people. There are shitty and lovely people of both sexes in equal ratio.

Sadly though, if you’re from a family/background where your dad/insert male relative has the last say on EVERYTHING even though you’re an adult, it gets tiring super fast. It’s no longer about personality but oppression and unfairness