DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

I do the same for my DD20.

I think my Mum did all this at that age for me 🙈 oops haha!

I think as well Id struggle doing something without asked as a guest in someone’s house and I get the feeling the op would always have a problem anyway
dss does his laundry would turn into ‘dss should buy the laundry powder and let me know when he’s doing it’
dss wears the trainers - aibu expensive trainers already dirty dss obviously has no respect.
dss makes himself dinner - he should buy his own food, he’s eating us out of house and home and there was crumbs on the side.

Exactly my feeling as well. My son will be an adult long enough, he'll also be gone from my home in a few years. Can he cook, clean, do laundry? Yes. Do I ask him to do all of these things for himself all of the time? Absolutely not.

We're a team, we help each other out and rightly or wrongly, this boy is and always will be my baby and I take comfort in caring for and about him. There'll be many, many years I'm sure where I'll be missing his lovely face in my house and want nothing more than to pick him up, cook him a meal and take care of him.

Besides all that, this OP is wicked. Absolutely no care and consideration for what this boy is going through watching his mother suffer from a breakdown and is just eager to dig the dagger in at any opportunity. From her threads here, she sounds utterly vile.

it is perfectly normal to support a child at 16, rather than them being entirely independent. So yes, a parent would usually wash clothes, make them a sandwich, take them to work. You would expect at 16 to be working towards independence, rather than actually independent. I have three teens, one cooked Xmas dinner at 16 and he now lives independently at uni. My 17 year old is less able in the kitchen but tries. I expect him to go to uni in October. My youngest is too fond of bacon sandwiches which he is able to make for himself, doesn't expect me to provide every meal but prefers it when I do!

@JustanotherMNSlapperTwat Indeed, sounds as though the DSS has been having a crappy time of it and is now being made to feel like an interloper in his dad’s house, which likely isn’t near any of his mates or the job he has, rather than being welcomed and supported by the OP. Dad sounds like an absolute darling though, as it’s clear OP isn’t willing to help with lifts/laundry etc. If she’s not careful, DH may begin to feel that OP is forcing him to choose between them - and I’m not sure she will come out of it well.

My DC are older and I still do loads for them

It's refreshing to read of a father actually stepping up to support their child

I'm wondering why you have such a problem with it.

Agree with this, sounds like your DH is a great dad. Hopefully he’ll encourage him to learn to drive once he’s 17 and that will help with the burden of lifts at least. If you’re cooking for the family anyway I don’t think it’s unreasonable to plate up for others to eat later.

The poor kid can't do right for doing wrong.

He's not worn his trainers yet. So what? He probably doesn't want to get them wet. So what if he takes his X-box to his mums. It's his to do what he wants with now.

Does he work extra shifts to get out the house away from you?

I think your DH, and your DSS, have a StepMum problem TBH.

I wouldn't come between your DH and your SS. Your DH may just pick him, over you, or he'll resent that you alienated him from his son.

I don't think it's unusual, or a big deal. I did all the cooking for everyone at 16, however that's largely because I love cooking. My siblings didn't cook, as they didn't enjoy it but they did clear up after. I find it strange that if you and DSS are both home at dinner time, you wouldn't eat together and would expect him to sort himself out and eat alone.

We lived rurally, so my parents did give us lifts to and from the train station.

There were 8 of us in our house growing up, so us teens doing our own washing would have made absolutely no sense. My mum would do the washing and we'd take it in turns to hang it up, and she would iron uniform and her own things, but we had to iron our own stuff other than that if we wanted it done.

When I went to uni in the American south there were so many mama's boys in my dorm who didn't know how to do laundry that I set up a nice side gig. I charged outrageous prices to do their laundry, so it worked for me, but it also made me determined not to send my children out into the world without knowing how to take care of themselves. So at age 11, each of my children got a laundry lesson and were responsible for laundering their own clothes, sheets and towels each week from then on. They each also had to pick one night a week to cook. That included meal planning (I did the shopping) cooking, setting the table, serving, cleaning up the kitchen and doing the dishes. They were responsible for cleaning their bedrooms and their shared bathroom. We also taught them personal finance, including budgeting, saving, how debt works and basic investing. My children entered adulthood knowing how to adult because that was my and their father's job. Some parents are just lazy. Yes, it's easier and quicker to do it yourself, but you're not doing your children any favors.

I think the other important note, building on what you are saying, is the son has had to move in with them because his mother is having a breakdown

His mum is having a breakdown, and the OP is kicking off about him.
Honestly, OP, you are really not a very nice person <polite>

Lifts - I think some ground rules need to come out in place. Yes, yiu will give lifts but, apart from regular shifts, they need to be arranged, and not expected .

Meals - Teen boys routinely don’t routinely offer to help out. They’re lazy sods. You need to ask him got help out.

Breakfast/lunch - at sixteen he should be able to make himself breakfast or a sandwich.

Laundery - family

Dog walking - again, teens are lazy. They won’t walk a dog unless it’s theirs or they’re asked to. If probably hasn’t occurred to him to walk the dog.

You say he’s been with you for two months so there’s a period of adjustment going on. Dh obviously wants to be supportive but perhaps has forgotten he’s sixteen and not ten. Dss doesn’t know what you expect of him if you haven’t told him. Maybe you all need to sit down together and lay down some ground rules and expectations.

@GoingDownLikeBHS i specifically mentioned it was a different situation to OP’s DSS. I was relating to a pp’s post, not arguing that DSS’s dad shouldn’t help him. I think it’s normal to help your 16 yo son but too much(!) help can be a hindrance IMO.

My comment was tongue in cheek in response to the poster about the man who couldn’t cook at all. But ok 👍

" So at age 11, each of my children got a laundry lesson and were responsible for laundering their own clothes, sheets and towels each week from then on."

This sounds so bizarre to me - everyone doing separate washing .

If I could give one bit of advice to a new parent, it would be to absolutely do this.

And do it around 11yo before they start answering back/secondary school.

Take a day off work to do it if necessary.

Then it just becomes habit.

Your SS had a fabulous Dad who loves and cares for his son, I wonder if you are jealous of this as it sounds from this and previous posts that’s you’re constantly nit picking.
Give them both a break, or you could well end up being the loser in all of this.

Doesn't sound very economical or environmentally-friendly either. My son would just wash the one thing he needed, left to his own devices. It wouldn't occur to him to shove a load of other stuff in too to make the wash worthwhile!

I still do all this stuff for DS15 . I want him to do well at school and to enjoy being a kid . We are a long time grown up . Before he goes to University I’ll make sure he can do the basics

You need to talk to DH about preparing DS for adulthood - he should be getting public transport to work and back, he needs to learn to cook, wash and clean. Your DH a is falling into the trap a lot of mothers do.

Completely normal OP! And LOL at the idea that this is neglect.

My parents did all this for me and more, and somehow miraculously I managed to learn to cook, use the washing machine, hoover etc all within a couple of days of leaving home. It’s hardly rocket science!

What was normal in your own house growing up OP?

Because it seems you must have had a much different experience of parenting than DSS is getting. Did you do all your own cooking, laundry and have a job that you had to get to yourself at age 16?

Do you not make any meals or does DH make all your meals too?

I can't work out why this behaviour is coming across as a big surprise to you if you've lived with them for several years and are married to his Dad.

Your DH sounds like an absolutely lovely caring Dad. Where's the lad's mother?

Having a breakdown after trying for years just managing along on a fine string the boys had a very hard young life bless his soul.

I’ve done exactly the same, except that we have a cleaner so while my kids wash their own clothes the cleaner does the beds and bedlinen.

It’s really important to learn to cook, clean, budget, save, sew (basics) and DIY.

Budgeting and finance is particularly important for women as far too many women hand over financial control to their partners.