DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

I agree with all of this. My parents did this for me at 16. And (seemingly astonishingly to some Mumsnetters) I can do it all for myself - and my family - as an adult.

Basic home training can’t make up for a lack of common sense

He maybe sounds a little bit entitled but it all sounds perfectly normal for a 16-year-old boy. Generally, if you want them to do stuff, you have to ask them! Which beats being passive aggressive about it on a parenting forum.

Are posters just trying to be disingenuous or can they see that there's a difference between doing stuff to support kids and helping them out because they are kids, and not allowing them to even chop an onion? It's not the same thing. My DDs have always loved to help cook and learn stuff, but I don't throw a fit if they aren't living with me like a housemate. That seems to be what the OP envisaged, a 16 year old lodger who comes and goes without disturbing her.

I went off to uni not knowing how to use a vacuum cleaner or a washing machine - or how to hang out laundry properly or change bedlinen. It was a humiliating experience having to ask someone to show me
@PieAndLattes are you serious? A person capable of degree level study couldn’t just fathom out how to use/do those things? I’m amazed. I mean, I had probably seen my mum do all those jobs, but the first time I did them (whether at home or university) I didn’t need showing. Sometimes a washing machine will need instructions actually - but that’s because they are all different. I had to read the instructions in my new one carefully and refer back every now and them for a couple of washes and I’ve been doing my own laundry for about 40 years…

I have three teens.

I do all the laundry. They put their own stuff away - I leave a pile of clean clothes on their beds. Also I don't go around picking up dirty clothes, so if it's sitting on their bedroom floor it won't get washed.

I cook one meal a day and they sort themselves out for breakfast and lunch.

We live rurally without good public transport so I do give them a lot of lifts (except the eldest who can drive now).

We don't have a dog. If we did then it would be reasonable to expect them to help with lifts but we'd need a rota or I'd have to ask them - I doubt they'd just do it without being asked!

I have a child the same age and do the same. I want him to be safe and enjoy being a child as long as he can. Also I am a total soft touch :-)

Oh Christ, it's this poster? 🙄 Ya, she's just nitpicking at this poor child at this stage.

Do both the father and son and favour OP and just leave. You're not cut out to be a stepmother if you can't even accept a father being a good father to his son. You sound awful.

I do all of that for my children. Perhaps you notice it more because he's a man doing it. Your step son sounds like a good hardworking boy, who is lucky to have a dad doting on him. Some parents do more, some less, no right or wrong.

Sounds fairly typical for everyone I know with teenagers. The kid is working and still has his meals and laundry done - hardly crime of the century is it. You actually sound quite horrible.

My mum did this when I was a kid - to be honest I saw it as being loving, thoughtful, caring and supportive. Once I was able to drive I drove myself everywhere. Had my mum not taken me to my Saturday job at 16 I would not have been able to get there as we lived in the countryside, and probably wouldn't have the work ethic I have now. She also did all those things for me which allowed me to focus on my studies and get top grades. I'd do the same for my child.
As an adult I'm a great cook and able to leave a normal independent life, lol.

Arh, now I see.

It’s only been 2 months, I’m assuming there’s a reason he’s moved in with you at 16 so DH is probably enjoying looking after him.
I think it’s weird your DH does his own laundry and you don’t have a laundry basket.
Also think after such a short space of time does dss feel comfortable helping himself or doing things in your house because it won’t be feeling like his home yet.

Oh right, it's her. Resents having to do anything for her stepkids and clearly resents her partner, their father, actually parenting them. Poor kids, I know what it's like to have a step-parent who doesn't want you around and tries to find fault in everything you do - they deserve better.

Well that's absolute rubbish.

I'm not blessed with common sense but I can learn from others. Believe it or not people have different skill sets. One of my children took years to learn to read, was great at maths and needed a bit of help with practical skills but with some initial support is great at them. The other one basically taught himself to read he found it so easy, is so/so at maths but picked up practical skills from just watching others.

There seems an inability in some sections of MN to recognise that people are not exactly the same as them and if other people struggle with certain things doesn't mean they just aren't trying hard enough or can never succeed given the right support.

The kid has a job and a social life. Doesn't seem neglected. Tone of many posts is typical of some step parents who almost seem jealous of their step kids. He seems like a great dad. His son will most likely be leaving home in less that two years. Let them enjoy their time

I have a 16 year old ds. I do all his washing as it goes in the family bathroom laundry basket along with his sisters clothes and mine (have an en suite so only occasionally use family bathroom for a bath). I cook his dinners for him unless we are out or he wants to eat later etc due to changes in schedules. My ds doesn’t have a part time job yet but will ask for lifts to city centre / friends etc. if we can do it we do, if not he takes the bus (we are on a good bus route). My daughter (18) has a part time job and we give her lifts when she does unsocial hours outside of bus times. The teenage years are taxi years I’m afraid. Dd does tell me which shifts she has put herself forward for though and if there a day / weekend we can’t pick her up late (she works in a hotel bar) then she doesn’t put herself down for that shift.

I do still sort his clothes, remind him to put his pe kit in the laundry etc and prompt him with life admin / meal prep. So no, I don’t think your dss is completely unusual. I started to install more independence in my elder two once they had down with school and in college, I found they definitely craved it more the . They are so used to being spoon fed at school and until they live and start pushing for more independence then I was happy.

Does reframe the question - which is really ‘do I have to share my DH, who I knew was a father when I married him, with his son?’ Whilst I absolutely feel it’s good to start scaffolding older teens into independence by encouraging them to fix their own lunch and help with their laundry, I think the fact that dad is really trying to make his son feel loved in a home where SM is obviously resentful, is not a bad thing. Would suggest OP get some counselling and, maybe, talk to other parents of teens who will agree that teens won’t help unless asked and that Xboxes go with them wherever they are going. Mine take theirs away with them everywhere, and their mates bring theirs over too - something to do with accessing their accounts/saved game progress… all goes over my head, though.

Just caught up with your other posts.
you can’t give a gift with strings attached, especially when he paid for most of the gift himself. ‘I paid towards the Xbox so you have to ask permission before you can take it to your other parents’ no. It’s his and he can use it as a football if he wants.

again, you can’t give a pair of trainers and then moan that he’s lazy and not wearing them when you think he should.

I don’t know anyone in a family who has separate laundry. He works, his dad his happy to give lifts etc so why would dss even think there was a problem? It’s normal to yell ‘dinners ready’ as well.

it comes across that you don’t like dss and it’s really sad because going on your other posts as well, he seems like a good kid with a good dad.

Oh! Her!? Gracious 🥺

Surely let DSS know when dinner is ready...is really just tell DSS its ready and he can help himself like you have suggested? I didn't see that as plate up for him and say his plate is ready....
To be honest all families are different and all children are different - I have twins and even they are learning different skills at different times for various reasons. if its not impacting you I would let him crack on with it.

I think the other important note, building on what you are saying, is the son has had to move in with them because his mother is having a breakdown, which started when he was living with her. That's an incredibly stressful thing for an adult to go through, living with someone having a breakdown, never mind a child

When children go through trauma thay can sometimes regress age wise for awhile and need some extra care. Perhaps the DH is allowing the son to be less independent for awhile in order to help him through this trauma and stress.

My son is 17 and I take him to and from work if I can, not if I have plans though. He does his own laundry and sorts his own uniform though.

Because op life is hard and bloody boring doing all these things as an adult. So if I can do them for my kids whilst I still can and they’re under my roof I would. Mother did the same for me and guess what when I moved out I learnt how to do all these things in about a week by myself .

This is the boy with the alcoholic mother who OP has previously described as chaotic and having serious MH issues. Mother has struggled to put food on the table.

DSS has been working since age 15 so that he could try to support his mother/household.

It would appear that his mother is no longer able to provide even the precarious level of care DSS previously experienced and for two months he has been living with his dad OP.

Given his shit childhood, lacking a stable primary parent, it’s hardly surprising he’s struggling with some aspects of settling into “normal family life”.

Honestly OP I think you should leave, as this child has already been so damaged and let down, your low opinion of him is the last thing he needs in a DSM.