DH doing everything for DSS, is this normal?

[Hop27]

DSS is 16 and living with us, we've been off work for 2 weeks and I didn't realise how much DH actually does for him (normally I work long long days) and it's driving me round the bend!!
DSS has a job, accepted any / all shifts and expects DH to drop him off and pick him up, leaving us constrained to what we can do during the days & evening.
On the days he's not working he expects DH to drop him off and pick him up to see friends.
DH does all his laundry, checks his uniform is clean for work.
Makes him all his meals.
DH is out tonight, his parting shot tonight was let DSS know when dinner is ready. We are just having rotisserie chicken and pre-made salads, AIBU to think DSS can help himself when he's hungry and that DH is doing WAY too much for a 16 year old, or is this standard for a teen?

Your experience is quite unusual.

it is quite normal for a 16 year old to have meals cooked for them and laundry done. Also lifts from parents are quite normal.

also normal for teenagers to have chores - so this boy could load the dishwasher after a meal, put on a load of washing once a week, prepare an occasional meal etc etc. but it is normal at that age to still be patented and looked after.

also normal to check on lifts and if his dad can’t do it make other arrangements

i Had a part time job at that age - my parents drive me there and back if they were available. If not I had to get a taxi - it wasn’t walkable and there was no public transport. The taxi fare meant I didn’t earn much from working.

YABVU

DH sounds like a standard good parent to me.

Clothes need separating anyway. So why can't teenagers at least sometimes do their own?

If you were doing it all you'd moan he's not stepping up. He's stepping up and caring for his son, so I don't think he's doing anything wrong! but perhaps pandering a little bit, but really - that isn't offensive.

I was thinking the same!

Am a little ambivalent on this - I happily drive my kids to PT jobs/pick them up after nights out. They can’t drive and the public transport in our area is unreliable so am happy to help when I can.

By my DD (now 18) has been responsible for her laundry since 15, as is my DS (now 15). They have always had their own laundry baskets. Of course, there is no issue if they’re ill or busy with exams to just pop the basket down and I’ll pop the wash on for them, nor for me to chuck it in the dryer if I notice it’s finished. Both have an aversion to the iron, so if I want them to look presentable I have to pull out the stuff that needs ironing and shove it on my ironing pile, though.

Also, I only cook one proper meal a day (unless hubs takes over). Both kids are fully capable of fixing their own lunch. My 15yo, in fact, just fried a thin steak and made himself a burrito, having made himself an omelette for breakfast. They will offer to make for us/each other if cooking. My son’s confidence has rocketed since taking on some of these chores as he feels more independent and capable. Washing/cleaning up after themselves needs work, however 🤣

I don’t think that’s unreasonable. My children have done their own laundry from the age of about 14 but I think that’s unusual amongst their friends. We eat together (DS at uni but when he’s home he’ll eat with us if he’s in) and I do most of the cooking, though DH will do some meals. During the summer holidays the children may cook the odd meal for us all. If they don’t like what I make or if they’re not at home for the meal, they’re on their own. DS has always used public transport or walked everywhere, including walking female friends home. We’re more likely to pick DD up at night, unless she’s within cycling distance or in a group that can walk her home.

Sounds reasonably normal to me - perhaps leaning a little to the “babying” side.

Perhaps DH needs to begin the process of helping DSS do some of these things himself, like of course he should be able to make his breakfast and lunch, but then maybe he doesn’t yet feel comfortable to do that in your home? Has anyone expressly said “hey X you can just grab any of the food when you want ok, no need to wait for us”

Hes still a child, if DH has always been really hands on then of course hes gonna let him do it rather than bother himself, DH could help to get him used to these things. But look, he’s going to be an adult and off into the big wide world with a matter of years and maybe DH enjoys his role.

If it annoys you then diplomatically say “I’m not fixing breakfast for a 16 yo, he’s welcome to help himself - and I can’t leave work without prior notice but I can help him sort out the transport links” etc

Some of what you’ve said is normal and some is maybe verging on being too dependent for a 16 yo. But realistically all parents and all kids are different

For what it’s worth, I would rather pick my kid up after work every single time then have them on the bus or train. But then I listen to a lot of true crime 😳

It seems your husband has been very well house trained; he should however start building up and teaching your son as it is only a few years until he is an adult and he is not doing him any favours.

Mother in law did everything for DH until he moved out; he had to learn; he is a good husband and helpful but could be better house trained.

Does he need lifts all the time or can he get public transport sometimes?

I'm reading this thread at the same time as reading the thread about the adult male who used frozen sweetcorn and peas in lieu of frozen soffrito and given some of the responses about 16yos who don't do a single thing, the jigsaw fits.

Whilst its good to get 16 year olds to do a few things themselves so they can learn, I still do a lot of those things for my DDs who are 20 and 22, although 22yo is getting fed up with me now, she's left home and whenever she visits I insist she brings laundry! I think it's just being kind and loving and wanting to be involved.

I mean, good luck getting a 16 year old boy to do stuff, they just forget, but a few small tasks/gentle reminders now and then would be ok. Do you have DCs too OP?

I see he has only been with you 2 months, surely he needs a couple of chores to settle him into the home not you expecting him to fit in and just jump to it.

I lived a very different life to most because I left home at 16 and had to fend for myself so I find it difficult to have any understanding of teenagers who have everything done for them like this. It’s great he works but he should be making his own way to work and your DH shouldn’t be doing his laundry.

I’ve also lived a very different life and moved country independently at 16 and had my own home with my now DH.

I’ve never wanted the life I endured for my children, my children don’t get everything done for them however we do drive them to work/school/training/match games… as they are still children and as responsible parents we want to ensure they are safe.

DS2 is learning to drive, we live in a good public transport however it’s not without its faults or anti-sociable behaviour and for that reason we will keep doing what we do for the benefit and safety of our children and our peace of mind.

Me and dh do the washing as all washing gets put in the family washing basket , the boys will put them in the drier/fold the clothes

Family meals mean family meals, they don’t have a crystal ball to know when the meal is ready, I find it really odd that your making
an issue out of advising your DSS that his meal is ready.

All the things you’ve mentioned is normal things most responsible parents do for their children.

The thing I find weird about your post is that you’re expectation of DSS to know what he’s expected to do without you telling him, teenage minds don’t work like this.

My mum did the same for me and I did the same for my sons. They have gone on to run their own lives and homes, very well.

what are you on about?

my dc are grown with their own lives and houses and manage to look after themselves, despite doing their washing when they were 16.

@PieAndLattes I could’ve written your post myself. I couldn’t change a bed, used too much washing up liquid, couldn’t cook, and I was teased mercilessly. I think the worst thing about it was when I lived at home and tried to help my mum prep food by cutting an onion. She told me to stay at school because I don’t have practical skills.

Now, I can cook, keep my home clean, etc. Didn’t take me long to learn but I could’ve done without the humiliation and various blows to my confidence.

Different to what the OP is describing, but yes, I do think 16-year-olds should do their own breakfast, lunches, and arrange transport to work IF possible.

@Mrsjayy
I'm not sure what you're not understanding but I'll try anyway! On this thread we have several posters who do all cleaning, cooking and laundry for their 16yo, some even surprised that that's unusual. On the other thread, one of the theories of the adult who can't cook at all is that he wasn't exposed to it growing up.

Ah your the stepmom who got mad about dss taking his Xbox to his mums because you guys chipped in some. Mad that you got him trainers he wanted for Christmas but that he hasn’t actually worn them out yet. Ps my son hasn’t put on his brand new ones yet they are his “best” trainers they will get a suitable outing when he decides it’s best trainers day

Yes another poster resenting their step child. Don’t get into a relationship with someone who has kids unless you are mature enough to handle it with empathy and compassion.

I wouldn't and didn't do breakfasts for a 16 year old! We all got ready at different times in any case and it's not difficult to do toast/cereal etc, I did that for myself at aged 9!

Lunches at weekends/holidays I would also expect them to do as they're fairly relaxed meals for us. More often than not I'd have cooked an evening meal but would expect them to manage to sort something out if I wasn't around - heat up ready meal, cook sausages and ready made mash + peas etc.

I'd expect to do their washing but not give them lifts to a job unless as a treat or if they were running late etc. My sons sometimes got themselves to places from about 12 years old - after all surely they get to school on their own devices unless it's not on a public transport route from the beginning of senior school?

I think they should be definitely starting to learn to be more independent. I made sure mine could cook for instance as my mother refused to teach me - she didn't have the patience - and I have always lacked confidence in cooking because I didn't learn early on. My sons on the other hand are very confident because they learned the skills as youngish children. Why wouldn't you bring children up to have basic skills?

that's clearer than your cryptic post.

Fair enough @Mrsjayy . I read my post back and whilst it made perfect sense to me, you're right it wouldn't make sense to anyone who hasn't read the other thread.

"I went off to uni not knowing how to use a vacuum cleaner or a washing machine - or how to hang out laundry properly or change bedlinen. It was a humiliating experience having to ask someone to show me and I got teased about it for ages. "

Well with a vacuum cleaner you just plug it in, switch it on and push it along. It seems unlikely that you couldn't work that out for yourself. You must have seen one in use at some time .

Is there any guilt from the past in play here?