A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Then don't invite all of those friends. That's what we did at our wedding.

"entitled"

If I was going to have kids at half of the wedding it would be the second half rather than the first. You pay for their meal and then have a chance of crying or making noise in the ceremony. It would make more sense if they could only go to the night do.

Could you just reply saying something along the lines of…

We appreciate the invitation and understand your want of a child free evening. We would love to be part of your day, but unfortunately are not able to get appropriate child care for the evening as we are away from the majority of our support network (obviously local ones will be attending your wedding).

Sorry to let you down last minute, but we are not able to make it. We hope you have a spectacular day and look forward to seeing the photographs. We would love to take you for a meal next time we visit so we can catch up and hear about your special day in person.

Love and best wishes

So here is the decision: hubby and I will go alone, and his family will watch our kids.

OP posted this^^ update at 10.30 last night @Avoidingsleep

I think this is a great idea and you and your OH get to enjoy a few days to yourself, which I expect is rare with young children! Enjoy!

Jolly good for you - you choose who you wanted to prioritise at your wedding

Other couples have exactly the same right. Families are all different, people are all different.
Weddings are all different. People should have the wedding they can afford and want. With the people they want

So worth it for one night. I did a six hour round-trip in a day yesterday ,come on man up

The wedding and reception is the main part. I would attend those, then from 5pm enjoy the hotel bar and play some cards with the kids without going into the later reception party.

@TemporaryName123 you can ask MN to edit your first post to say that this has been resolved.

Splitting children from parents at weddings is odd.

@emzipoo4u1 the reception isn’t the meal it’s the bit where everyone is hanging around with a drink whilst the photos are being taken. Anyway OP has decided to go without children

Ahh ok, I thought the reception was the wedding breakfast. Yes wouldn’t be worth it for the ceremony only.

Presume that's directed at me. Can't imagine not inviting my closest friends to my wedding, I'm closer to them than most of my family. Family is important to me but so are my friends. I've known one of them longer than my sister has been alive!

I also can't imagine not inviting them just because I couldn't cater to their kids!

That’s very steep. I’d be tempted to decline and spend the money on your own family. I’m often staggered at the selfish behaviour of people getting married. Yes it’s their day but the expectation on guests is ridiculous. My Sister was getting married in Vegas years ago when my children were very little and although she didn’t ban children, she said that Vegas wasn’t a place for them. My youngest was only a year old, so I made the decision not not go. I dreaded telling her. The hotel they were staying in and getting married in caught fire and they all had to be evacuated! I can’t imagine my husband sitting at home in the uk with the kids watching it on the news knowing I was there.
My sister hasn’t spoken to me since. She doesn’t have children so hasn’t got a clue. Good luck in whatever you decide.

You can only do your best. Have a good time, have a better one when you get back

I'm sure you will have a lovely time just the two of you attending. Sometimes it's nice to not have to have the kids with you even if it was not quite what you were expecting to do.

I should imagine the no kids at the meal would have been financial.. could have doubled their bill?
I think you have made the right decision. It’s a shame we are not more like the French or Italians where children are totally accepted at restaurants …but never mind. You and DH have a great time xx I think the kids need to be 100% welcome or not go. Mind you they don’t forget. Weddings nowadays have lost the plot somewhat.

Surely that’s far worse? Imagine not receiving an invite at all just because you have kids 😳

Oh for crying out loud. Having kids means having to miss out on doing some couply things, that's just a fact of life.

The wedding is about the couple being married, not incredibly trivial matters such as whether guests can have a slow dance with their partner or not. Get a f*ing grip.

Maybe take a chill pill @Tokek?

The entitlement on here from some has disgusted me, that's all. Particularly when wedding invites are just that, not a summons.

Its your family wedding so your husband has to take kids up to the room after dinner surely not both of you. However I find it very strange that kids are invited to the wedding ceremony and not having dinner? I could understand either no kids at all or even leaving after dinner when music starts etc. But to have a kid sit through a boring ceremony are it to starvation mode and then be hunted is very strange in my opinion. I'd just not go. Too much hassle for a cousin ! However I also think assuming kids are invited to a cousin wedding is strange. But my family is an enormous Irish family.

Some things may change but wedding threads are always Mumsnet catnip.

I look forward to the next one