A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

No this is really shit, I wouldn't bother going and I'd explain why (calmly and without heat, but I'd let them know that is wasn't going to work for your family).

We won’t be out of pocket if we don’t go, I bought a dress but that’s about it. Can return, and hotel is pay on arrival

Pretty much.

I think if children were allowed until 7 or 8 in the evening that might be a bit different. But 5 is very early even for a 4 year old.

If you're going for a few days and seeing family whilst you're there, I'd go. He hasn't necessarily got to sit then in a dark hotel room in the dark eating the crumbs from their lunch. At 5 he could take them out for a Nachos or similar treat.

Is message cousin and say you'll all be there for the ceremony etc but it will just be yourself for the meal as DH will need to be with the children. Then make the most of the family time in the adjacent days

I'd either do the day time then all get off, or don't go at all.

Where do they think all of the kids will go?
They might find that most parents fade away early…

I couldn't agree more.
I'd not go OP, use £1300 on your family to have a weekend together. Totally understand that you're disappointed but that just takes the piss.

If the whole extended family live near the wedding how come the kids can't have a sleepover with other young relatives leaving the wedding at 5? Wouldn't that be fun for them?

That's such a shame, I'm sorry OP. I just don't get it personally. How disappointing for you all.

Did the save the date include all of you?

This is another thing that has become more common.....super early and vague Sace the date cards, and then late invitations with the actual details

Dear Cousin
Thanks for the kind invitation but unfortunately as the children are not invited to the evening event and must leave by 5pm with being fed, we will have to decline due to lack of appropriate childcare. I hope you understand.

Crazy. Children are part of the family and that's horrible to them to be told they have to leave at X time and excluded aside from the childcare issue.

They'd sent you all a "save the date" and if this was going to be the arrangement then it should have been stated on that. You've only just been informed of this so any previous commitment to attend is nullified by them now stipulating new conditions that weren't communicated when you indicated you'd attend based on the information provided previously, so no need to feel bad declining: they can dictate whatever they want but it must be obvious to them that this won't work for families so it's perfectly reasonable for you to decline.

I'd simply tell them that this won't work for your family (for the very obvious reasons that they must already know!!) so sadly you won't be coming but you hope they have a wonderful day.

@Msmbc Because they would be going off with their own family members from the other sides of families, so our kids wouldn’t know or be familiar with my cousins kids other grandparents (I wouldn’t even be familiar with them!) x

Then book a nice trip away for your family instead with the money you save.

I don't get it... WTF is the point in the kids only being at half the wedding! It should be all or nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wouldn't have dreamt of telling the parents of the eight kids that were at our wedding that they were not allowed to be there beyond 5pm - how ridiculous.

I wouldn't go sorry. This is so rude and inconsiderate. So mean to the kids too who are no doubt excited to have fun. The stuff before 5pm is boring! If anything, that's the stuff they should be expected to sit in the room for bit the dancing and having fun.

They should've made this clear on the save the date. If I received an invite inviting me and the kids, I would never dream the kids are for one part only. What in earth.

@Mumof2teens79 The save the date was a graphic (WhatsApp) that just said ‘Save the Date. Bird and groom name. Location and date’. The accompanying message said: ‘Hey All,
Here is a date for the diary! We hope you can join us to celebrate our wedding. Looking forward to it!’

Then I would cancel

I wouldn’t go but I also wouldn’t have assumed my kids were invited from that message.

We always assumed no kids unless they were specifically named.

@Lizzieregina Maybe error on our part. But there was lots of chat in the group chat (this is a cousin WhatsApp group) aboht the little kids all dancing etc and nothing was said at that point to say that wouldn’t be the case as no kids. And again, all weddings before this has been all kids for everyone. So while we assumed, it was an assumption based on precedence.

Dear Cousin

Thanks for the invite. Unfortunately we have no childcare for our children so are unable to attend.

Hope you have a wonderful day.

I wouldn't go to be honest.

'Hi cousin, I'm so sorry but I was completely unaware that the children would have to leave before dinner. The logistics just don't work for us I'm afraid. We don't have a local baby sitter that the girls know well enough to be comfortable being left with.
We're so sorry we can't make it and whish you all the best for the big day!'

Surely even if they were having kids the whole day then your younger one would be heading off early and one of you would need to be in your hotel room for most of the evening anyway?

Not having them at the meal feels like it might be numbers/ budget related, if there’s a lot of kids in the family they’re perhaps prioritising invites for adult family and friends?

Agree with pp, go, your DH takes the kids away at 5pm and you enjoy yourself with the rest of your family. Personally, any evening reception I’ve ever been to wouldn’t have been fun for an under 10. Day guests are usually hammered by the evening do starting, no one’s mindful that there might be kids about.

@Festivecheer26 our two are wee late owls! Usually up till 10.30/11pm at family events like this! Especially if dancing 💃

Kids of cousins aren't typically invited to weddings though are they? Kids of siblings of bride and groom yes, but inviting the cousins kids too would often make it too big numbers wise. I think it was a mistake on your part to assume your kids were invited.

Can you travel to the wedding on your own and enjoy it with your extended family?

Definitely not an error on your part then... you are being far too generous about this fuckwittery.

I mean... really, what do they expect you to do? They must realise that making this stipulation means you can't go without it being horrible for all of you. So they can do that if they like, sure. But then you don't go. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Which they should be expecting.

I honestly wouldn't worry about it and stop feeling guilty. They made this choice and that's fine. So now obviously you can't go, and can spend your £1300 on something much more fun for your family to do instead.