A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

You already planned to go for a few days so presumably you have plans or something in mind to do. I’d still go (as long as money not the main issue) then you’ll still get to catch up with friends & family and see them get married - which hopefully is once in a lifetime. But I’d update the bride all 4 of you will not be attending the evening. They’re entitled to have a child free wedding but they need to let people know in advance so a decision can be made properly. And I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving kids in a hotel with an unknown sitter, so the 4 of you go do something fun instead.

Anyone else getting deja vu on this thread?

The same answers are getting regurgitated now.

Exactly. DJ calls a slow dance for all the couples, but many can't join in as their OH is upstairs watching the kids. Lovely.
At least make it a later cut off, so an acceptable time for the whole family to leave and be worth the financial outlay.

Luckily never had an issue like this, DD has been invited most of the time. I understood when I was not being invited due to no children, but I'd been told of this before anything was sent out, so not a shock to not get an invite and not booked/paid anything because I'd received a save the date and assumed children were allowed.
This B&G could have at least say on the save the date any rules or expectations.

Holeeee moleeee….over 900 replies!!!!

So here is the decision: hubby and I will go alone, and his family will watch our kids. My family are lovely and loving so far away, I’m excited to see them and enjoy this event with them, and from the start I’ve said and acknowledged I made an assumption that was wrong and lay no blame at the feet for the b&g. S So we will go and enjoy a weekend as a couple, wish the new couple well and leave the kids in capable hands of my husbands family.

But here are my outakes from this little thread that I had no anticipation would attract such attention 🙈:

• The vast majority of you are so lovely. There are too many of you to mention, but you have provided sound, clear and balanced advice with good intentions, delivered with kindness. So honestly, thank you.
• I think some of you wouldn’t talk to others IRL the way you talk on here. I’m sorry you are feel this is the place you need to vent your general frustrations.
• Many of you have just an awful opinion of children (and of parents actually, brushing many of us as rose-tinted glasses wearing imbeciles), which just makes me a bit sad tbh.

Thank you all so much for taking the time To reply on this thread - it’s been a whirlwind 48 hours, but this thread has honestly helped us reach our decision! If there’s room left on the thread, I promise I’ll post a pic of a glass of bubbly on the day!!! X

Lordy Lordy Lordy, I have come to this very late.
All I have to say is PLEASE RELAX!!!
The invitation has come and you just need to make a simple decision. Personally if it was me, I would go ALONE, no husband, no children and have fun - sometimes it's easier with nobody else to reconnect with family anyway.
Please don't use this forum to 'blame' in any way the B & G. Getting married can be quite stressful - a lot of the decisions are not your own -but the person paying the bills. I have been married twice, the first time - I was the eldest cousin, no children to consider! The second time, between me and my second husband, we had 6 children - but we were paying and of course it was a child friendly wedding - we asked everyone and all of our friends children too (the children made up 30% of the guests!!).
I think you do need to be sensitive to the B&G. It just maybe that your whatsapp chats of all the children dancing at the wedding are exactly why this decision was made. It's not just about your kids, but all your cousins kids, friends and sibling kids and maybe there are just too many. It's hard if you are planning a wedding to say yes to kids, because essentially this can mean another 30% to 50% of extra guests and possibly that's not what you are really in to!
Ultimately, it's an invitation to you and your husband and you need to decide on that basis - forget what you 'thought was meant', forget 'that your kids will be upset'. Your main decision should be - do you want to go and if you do, how can you make this work? There are always options if you REALLY want to go. If you don't want to go, then just politely decline with no hidden agenda/ meaning in any reply. I hope you do decide to go, as honestly these things are important.

Surely you see the difference?? You can't honestly be that dense? Nieces/nephews are much closer than second cousins!

What a great update OP. That's the perfect solution. You will have a lovely time.

Thanks @FishTheRiver x

Why is it rude? Its rude to expect people to shell out a load of money on kids. My wedding it was 50 odd quid a head for a child. If I'd have invited children, id have had to halve the adults that came.

Great update @TemporaryName123

Good decision. Enjoy the wedding and time with your family.

I have no real feelings about Childfree weddings I fully appreciate it can be a decision based on numbers (venue capacity & finances). It's certainly shouldn't be seen as a reflection on the couples attitude to kids or their wedding is too posh for kids.

Including a handful of under 10s is a different ballgame to having 40 under the age of 20.

You’re making the right choice OP.

TBH I’m very confused as to why they have said the kids could attend at all if it’s just the ceremony and pre drinks. Should be either kids or no kids.

Have a fabulous time, make it up to the kids when you can. They’ll soon forget about it all

Always nice to get an update, enjoy the day OP 🥂

I’m a bit confused. I thought there was nobody suitable to babysit and suddenly there are grandparents available?

(So many typos on my update - sorry!!!)

My guess is there has been a breakdown in communication between B&G, she hasn't known he had hinted at kids getting invites, until they have been doing the formal invites rather than the save the dates.
They have tried to smooth over his screw up and keep things civil with his family most of whom are local and 5pm pick up is fine. Or it could be something daft like a few cousins who are OK with getting babysitters for the evening but would struggle to get babysitters from lunchtime.

@Vinrouge4 There was no one locally. As in where the wedding is. Of course where we live is a different story, and I never said otherwise. So we are leaving the children’s at home and travelling without them. Which will be a first for us but we will embrace it!

I think the OP meant there was nobody available to babysit near the venue as all her local family members would be at the wedding. So the whole "bring the kids to the Church but they need to disappear by 5pm " thing wasn't workable.
The other set of grandparents presumably live somewhere completely different and so the children are now not attending at all.

We get it. You don't like children. Or know anything about parenting them.

5pm cut off is a funny time, as they will need to be fed too. Is that why the bride and groom are doing it, so they do not have the cost?

Perhaps this is a chance for grandad to get to know the children better? So conversation with him about what meal he could cope with and what you should bring? Grandparents often have a stack of board games to teach them (but given divorce perhaps not?) I remember playing snakes n ladders, ludo, draughts (checkers) and basic chess with my very tech oriented grandson - what would they normally do after a tiring day? Possibly simply food, TV, and changing to pj's and a bed-time story would take enough time to allow you part of the evening? After you have driven so far, possibly that would be enough for you too.
Or perhaps if any of the local family are hiring a sitter, would they be willing to host your 2 for a couple of hours too (you could share cost)?

Thank you so much for the invite. We were so looking forward to attending however we hadn’t realised that the children couldn’t attend after 5pm. I am sure you will totally understand how difficult it would be at this late stage to find a suitable babysitter. Regrettably I will have to decline the invite after all but look forward to reliving the day once the photos become available. Have an amazing day. Much love.
easy…respond with the truth

Great plan OP, you'll have a fabulous time and even be able to have a hangover the next day Have fun!

I was a bridesmaid at my best mate's wedding when my daughter was about 3. It was a 6 hour drive up north for all of us as I moved away years ago. Both my parents were invited as was my husband but my daughter was actively not invited to any of it, at all, not even the church. It was a child free wedding except for the bride's 11 year old son and his cousins (age 11 to 16).
There was no-one to babysit my daughter and my husband was over the frigging moon to get out of the day 😄
We didn't invite kids to our wedding evening do, but very few of the non-local invitees had kids and I have no idea what happened with the one that did (husband's cousin), if they'd come along I wouldn't have noticed or cared!
If I was doing it again I'd invite all the kids because the best weddings I've been to have involved kids at the evening do!

Is it normal to only invite kids or infant anyone to the first half? I've never heard of this happening at a wedding if I was told my kids were invited to a wedding I'd 100 percent assume it was the whole thing. Especially if the couple knew that we were traveling, had paid for a hotel and had no-one around that could babysit due to those circumstances. Why on earth would this not be mentioned earlier.

My cousin is getting married next year and when she sent the save the dates out let me know that there would be no kids invited. If there are any sort of info like this it should be given way before people will have booked time off, booked hotels etc

Paying 1300 for three quarters of the family to sit in a hotel for the night is rubbish why would anyone do that.