A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

😂

in that case, don't go, spend the money on your own kids😀

I’d reply and say that you had thought hard about how you could work the kids leaving the wedding at 5pm but just could not find a workable solution, therefore you are unfortunately going to have to decline. We are really disappointed because we were all really looking forward to it, but coming such a long way, it’s just not workable . If they contact you, I’d just say, it would cost us £1300 to come, which is fine, we expect that since we live so far away, but the only option being one parent babysitting while the other is at reception is just not going to work for us

Just be honest, you assumed they’d be invited and as the travel and cost to you is a lot, you aren’t able to make it for only part of the wedding, had you have known sooner, you wouldn’t have said you would go. Say you’re disappointed you can’t go etc. It is what it is, they’ll either understand or make an exception.

As you point out, it's their wedding. They will have a reason to want the evening do as adults only, possibly a previous bad experience of children in a similar situation.
It's very upsetting for you, I know. But it is your problem, not theirs. They are perfectly entitled to specify who attends which part of their wedding.
Either go on their terms, or cancel.

do you want to go? It’s sounds like not? I think you could cut your costs considerably if you wanted to go .or just one person go. Or ask your dad to sit with them in the hotel for a couple of hours whilst you eat. Or swap over looking after them during the meal

I didn't have children in the evening because they'd have outnumbered the adults.
They don't want to be around drunk adults anyway, being told to 'Stop running and be quiet,' it isn't fun for anyone concerned

Is there any way you can find out what is behind their decision? I wonder if budget might be the reason why they want kids to leave before the meal - including kids would presumably really add to the costs for the couple. Could you perhaps ask them if your kids could leave before the meal and you feed them upstairs in your room, and like that they get a bit of downtime, and then come back down for dancing later? You and your partner could take it in turns to hang out with them a bit each if it was just for a couple of hours, and then enjoy the rest of the party. If your kids are the only ones staying in the hotel, the couple might be fine with it - it's only two kids and easily explainable to other parents.

The problem with not going is:

• You miss seeing your extended family, which you were all looking forward to
• You miss out on family time away as you are stayng more than one night anyway
• if your family is anything like mine, people will ask why you are not there and then immediately produce a solution when its too late.
• If you don't go you don't get even half of the wedding fun

I really think you should ring your cousin and talk to her about it saying exactly what you have said here - sorry, you were really looking forward to it but you'd just assumed that children were welcome for all of the event. Now you have a babysitting problem now for the evening, as your children dont kbow anyone well enough to be. left, or else you couldn't come to the dinner/evening yourself - does she know what others are doing?

This should help you make a decision, make sure theres no offense on either side and may even produce a solution.

If you are looking for a polite way to let them down, and you would rather not go if you had to have children and DH upstairs just tell them the reason why you can’t attend. Also ask if there are others in this predicament as you may be able to share child care with others at the hotel.
or, if you can get all your money back and you rather not have a split evening from your children, tell them you can’t make it for that reason and save yourself a lot of money.

6 hours of the best part!

She said she couldn’t ask her Dad for reasons she doesn’t want to go in to (fair enough).

@Outthedoor24 even as brother we’ve not really been close during adult life. He hasn’t got children but if it was the other way around I would have course invite his children.
It is an LGBT wedding and I don’t think many of their friends have children, they are quite a self absorbed pair and do not get involved in much family related on either side of their family. It is all mainly with their friends or on their own.
But as my brother I would feel bad if I didn’t go, to them I don’t think they’d care either way.

It’s ok to say no, or just send the non family person out of you and your husband to take the kids back to the hotel room.
I fully support a Bride’s choice for their wedding, I love taking mine to weddings and parties, I love seeing them socialise with friends and family it makes me feel warm and fuzzy - but at those prices I wouldn’t be going let alone who was or wasn’t invited.

@Delatron I missed out 2 pages of posts without realising, didn't see that one.

A 5pm curfew for children is ludicrous. Reality is that one or both parents will take the children away when tired anyway. No way would I be spending £1300 to spend from 5pm in a hotel room, possibly when non family are arriving as evening guests.

This happened to us once, more or less. Told that kids weren't invited to evening reception of a wedding (wife's cousin). Turned up without our 3/5 year-olds, and hey presto bride's brother had his kids there. Lovely double standards. We didn't say anything, but I haven't done a family event with them since.

Hi sure you’ve been told this suggestion, but all go and then kids dad stays with them while you go to the evening event? Not ideal but you don’t have to stay all night and POSSIBLY cousin would accept kids for couple of early hours? Best of luck, it was DEFINITELY more unreasonable to leave it so long to tell guests kids can’t come in evening but it is all about them, as you say.

The others are local; they likely are using their regular sitters or in-laws. The OP has said she won't let her kids be watched by such strangers, so others' arrangements are irrelevant.

Don't make this the B&G's problem. Invitations call for yes/no answers, not negotiations.

I think the brides niece and nephew trumping her first cousins once removed is reasonable. I also (am alone here) think the 5pm curfew is a good idea, especially if most of the guests are local. If it were us DH would run the kids home and use one of our usual babysitters, instead of having to rely on family members who might all be invited. Finding someone to mind all day and night is much tougher and a bigger ask. Obviously for op and anyone else travelling it might as well be the same as a child free wedding.

I think it’s almost worse that they are invited to part of it but not all as it’s obviously going to be near impossible to take them to half of it then get rid of them 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t think I’d go now

By last minute I mean when the invites went out (two months before the wedding). The B&G has sent out too many Save the Dates and received more positive responses than anticipated. Children were then excluded at the invite stage when permitted numbers at the reception venue were going to be exceeded. Even the bridesmaids and pageboys were not allowed at the reception. Apologies I should have been clearer.

The B&G has sent out too many Save the Dates and received more positive responses than anticipated.

But you don't reply to 'save the dates'?

This happened to us once, more or less. Told that kids weren't invited to evening reception of a wedding (wife's cousin). Turned up without our 3/5 year-olds, and hey presto bride's brother had his kids there. Lovely double standards. We didn't say anything, but I haven't done a family event with them since.

But that was the bride's niece/nephew, your children weren't as closely related.
I was at a childfree wedding this year, but the bride's nephew (13 months old at the time) was there. I also had a 13 month old but didn't get annoyed that my child wasn't invited but this child was. It was her nephew. Her sister's son. I don't see that as double standards at all. I fully expect different standards for different relations. That's like getting arsey and calling it double standards if someone invites their siblings but not their cousins to a wedding. It's not double standards, it's just having to draw a line somewhere.

Ah-so YOU chose to book extra nights-they're not strictly necessary are they? You didn't ACTUALLY need to spend £1300 then. And 5 hours drive isn't that far away if you stop regularly. Personally I think you need to accept that the B&G have the right to have their special day the way THEY want it. It's not about providing a 'fun' time for your kids! You can do other things with your kids to make things fun for them before/after the Wedding day-especially as you've chosen to turn the event into a family mini-break. Just do the grown-up thing; accept that not everyone wants kids all day on their Wedding day. The B&G will hopefully only have ONE wedding day-dont spoil it for them.