A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

If you can't get a refund then maybe attend the part with children and could your husband have the children of the evening for an hour. You could say hi and then say got to go as need to get back to the children and husband.

Had a simular problem with a cousins wedding. Fortunately it wasn't too from my in laws so they babysat. I did wonder what do they think I should do with the children stick them in a cupboard? Unreasonable as you or DH will end up in the room looking after the children. Personally I would just say it as it is. Thank you but children are too young to be left alone in an hotel room. Decline the invite and put the money to a holiday.

5pm is way too early?! Surely no kids after 8/9ish is reasonable as most parents would end up taking the kids home/to bed in a hotel by then. Are the adults expecting to all be roaring drunk by 5.30??

Yep!

While it do think it’s a little short notice of your cousin to expose this rule on you 8 weeks before the wedding, i see no point you miss out on the event.
a solution would be to pay for an extra room perhaps, and your dad could stay in the room and keep an eye on the kids. Alternatively you both go, and the kids, and if the rule is imposed, out the kids to bed early and take turns to watch them.

The Dad isn’t a solution. OP doesn’t want him babysitting.

I am ow scared to google ‘upside down pineapples’!

Who gets to have the meal then as the ban on kids is from 5pm onwards?

It’s 100% all about them, it’s their ruddy wedding and especially if they are paying for it they are entitled to have the day as they wish.

Can you go alone? I think it would still be good to go to your cousin’s wedding and see the family but it sounds like a slightly rubbish day for the kids and your husband (eg be there for photos but not get fed). You could probably do it in 2 nights rather than 3.

Right or wrong isn't the problem at the moment. Just focus on finding a solution. Who knows who this came about or if it was missed.

Check in with other family members to see how they are handling. Try asking anyone that lives in the area if they personally know a sitter that they can recommend. As a mum that travels for work - getting sitters at hotels is more common than you probably think. Also you can always get a nanny cam for the hotel room and ask the sitter to provide regular updates. It's an extra expense but it's not worth arguing at this point.

The B&G will have realised they hadn't clarified kid arrangements with you and that's why it was added on the text. I don't know your cousin but if he's anything like the grooms to be in DH friendship group they are always forgetting parts of messages etc to pass on.

I think declining for this reason is fine. I mean what would you give them for dinner?! I'd just say 'I'm so sorry but we're not going to be able to attend as it would mean the girls and DH just sitting in the hotel room all night. I hope you understand and have the best day'

It can be difficult sticking to rules for guests. We had a 'no plus ones we hadn't met' rule and I have a French cousin. Nothing on his FB about a relationship so when they asked if she could come we said we couldn't because of this rule and numbers...wish we had now because they are still together! So stupid...like how would we have met them before when they live in France but you get in your head.

It goes hand in hand with Pampas Grass

You’re not being unreasonable, you’ve paid a lot of money and I think where families are concerned, it’s expected that the invite is extended to the whole family and not just adults unless it’s made clear that’s not the case earlier.

As far as your problem is concerned , I’d try to look at it from the point of view - what would you do if the children got tired/felt sick at the Reception? You would almost certainly take it in turns to sit in the hotel room with them. Maybe when you go back up to the room you could take a willing relative who is happy to have a natter and share a drink with you for half an hour or so.
If you bring games/books the kids probably won’t mind so much missing out especially as there won’t be any other kids there.

@TemporaryName123 I don't think it's your fault for the assumption the kids would be there for the whole thing as I've never heard of kids being welcome in the day but not for the evening, it's usually the opposite in our experience. With such short notice too, I'd politely decline or just go for the day and have a night away with the kids.

Dd2 went to a wedding last year over 5 hours away ( including ferry) and no children were allowed. Dh was invited but stayed at hotel with ds. Dd2 said everyone kept asking where ds was (in fact there were 2 children there) and she left early as she needed to bf her ds (aged about 16 months then). They are going to another wedding next year in the States. She said she wouldn't have gone if ds wasn't welcome.

@TemporaryName123 I’m curious, has there been any further chat on the cousins whatsapp in light of this revelation?

£1300 to sit in a hotel room with your kids…
that’s a ‘Nope’ from me.

Really frustrating situation for you but probably shouldn’t have assumed (though appreciate the other family weddings you’ve been to). I think the bride and groom are well entitled to their preferences (though perhaps should have been explicit in their wishes) because kids do change the reception party vibe. Fact.
I would probably all still go but non cousin stay with the kids in the room when needed. Absolutely brutal it costs £1300 though! So can see why you’d want to cancel.

Please explain upside down pineapples 🤣. I honestly have never heard of it. Thanks 😊

It’s a sign you’re a swinger apparently 🤣

If my kids were invited I would totally assume that meant for the full day.

I wouldn't use a baby sitter I didn't know.

So for me, this would mean either going and us all leaving at 5pm or not going at all.

I would really begrudge paying for the cost of a hotel to leave at 5pm and a 5 hour drive with kids doesn't sound great, but I'd consider that depending on how much I liked the person!

100% not unreasonable to send your apologies. Just as they are entitled to have the wedding they want, restrictions will also mean that some people won't be able to come.

If people say ‘no kids’ that is their prerogative but they must accept that some parents will decline.
I can understand how a child free B & G would think they are being reasonable but that’s not how it feels to parents.

IMO a lot of weddings are just too posh for their own good 😄.
I have been to lots of weddings and the best ones to attend are the relaxed, non-showy affairs. The up-your-own-arse, meringue dresses, hours of photography, whistle and bells do’s can be a PITA to attend 😂

They should have warned you earlier when the save the dates were sent out. They should have been clearer and it woukd
be lovely to attend the wedding but it’s a lot of expense for what will be half a day for you all, and the rest sat in a hotel room whilst everyone else parties x

Thank you! 🤣 🍍