A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Of course! But some people just don’t enjoy that and I’m one of those people haha. OP seems very similar in that she has explained she wants to attend with her partner but they have nobody to look after their children.

😆 🤣

Response was to below

Absolutely. So selfish to bully them into paying for and having to put up with other people’s kids. There are some really nasty family and “friends” out there

TBH weddings and wills are often an opportunity for people to get affronted.
Be kind it’s the couples big day don’t make trouble for them. It’s really hard to please everyone.
Be sainted please.
Like someone suggested mabey alternate childcare with your soh
Up to you opportunity to hurt or be Kind.

YANBU. If people want childfree weddings, they have to accept the inevitable consequence that many people would prefer to be with their kids than at their wedding. I'd just say you prefer not to attend events without your children so you won't be able to attend the wedding. For £1300 I'm sure you can arrange something much more fun for that weekend!

No you're not being unreasonable to politely decline this short notice. Your cousin sent the save the dates a year ago so they could have said back then that kids weren't invited to the evening bit therefore giving you plenty of time to find a suitable babysitter for the evening.

And how easy do you think that would be to organise?
Were exactly is the crèche ment to be held? Hire another function room? How many staff? Who provides the toys?
What happens when children get sleepy or won't stay with a complete stranger (children are little people, not suitcases that can be dumped in the left luggage)

Why should the B&G go to that additional expense?

Should the B&G also provide a dog walker so guests aren't inconvenienced by having to leave the dog at home?

Weddings are pricey in the first place. It's 100% up to guests to sort their own childcare and pet sitting. Leaving children with people they know.

I don't know which of OP's reasonable and measured posts make you think she'd consider being so rude.

And yes of course uninvited guests would be asked to leave a sit down meal that's paid by the head.

Ridiculous answer. You don't pay £1.3k to do that!!!

I personally would go and get a hotel babysitter . I do this job often and I play games etc with the children in the room and we have fun plus the children can go to bed before they get overtired. It is their wedding and by the evening people start to get a bit merry and sometimes it’s unsuitable for children

I think someone already suggested, but a ‘have a brilliant day, sadly we’ve been unable to find suitable arrangements for the kids, but look forward to your lovely photos and will hopefully catch up over Easter/Summer/Christmas (insert random possible next occasion…)’

YADNBU, £1300 is what I’m paying per person on my ski holiday next year, for a week!! And even if they HAD given you notice, would you have left the children with a friend/nanny/babysitter person even with a year’s notice? Because I just wouldn’t. I work full time and see my kid for such short periods of the day that, if I’m spending £1300 on a weekend, I want him there enjoying it with me.

It is my brother’s wedding in June.
Me and my brother aren’t close, they are only inviting a few family members but their wedding will mainly be made up of their friends.
I have three children but it is a no children wedding, which is fine but really don’t know whether to go or not as they are always quite snooty and I always end up feeling that they look down on me, despite me being the older sibling. My brother and his partner have more or less cut themselves off from family, they only see my parents every couple of months and that’s it. Any contact is like happy birthday or merry Christmas messages and that’s it. He didn’t bother to reply to any messages this year. He never says happy birthday to my kids or even send a card.
I have RSVP yes but really having second thoughts.

It's 5 hours away so wouldn't you make time to see your dad anyway even if just for a short while? Presumably you are going up the day before, so if you see him then and then he looked after them on the day they wouldn't feel like they hadn't seen him for ages. Also you said they would be on their own with him for hours, won't they go to sleep mid-evening? Even if it's a makeshift bed.
But if you don't want to go then don't. I'm probably on my own here but it's nice to get together with extended family once in a while, get drunk, dance, catch up etc without having to constantly look out for the children. And for every child who is enjoying themselves there's another screaming or crying through over tiredness!

Wow, didn't realise that you knew my brother or his wife, I'll be sure to pass on your 'feelings' to him

Except that it's not "the same thing" because these kids aren't being excluded "at the last minute." Not even the OP has been formally invited yet. OP assumed, wrongly, that her small children would be on the guest list. And has rejected the usual arrangements for evening childcare, including a family member, pooling with other wedding attendees so the kids can play together, or hiring a sitter to be up in the hotel room with the children.

I work for a wedding crèche company and we provide the toys and equipment plus videos and blow up beds. The hotel provides a room . It is great as the children can be with parents all day and then move onto the crèche so grown ups can enjoy time without them . We often have children crying when they have to leave. We also do taking children back to the room , get them ready for bed , then babysit until the parents return . Obviously it costs the bride and groom more but it’s becoming more popular and it’s a great compromise on children at weddings

I don't understand why you wouldn't ask and would just assume, especially when its going to cost so much money to go!

Just seen that someone suggested your dad babysitting in the hotel room, even better than my suggestion

So you made a load of bookings without checking? Lots of hotels have monitoring services for kids, or could you club together with others in the same boat? Feels like this was preventable but easy enough to solve if you remember that the kids won't even remember this when they're older.

@LHJ21
I think your own Brother is a different ball game to a cousin.

I'd have been pissed off if my children had been prevented from going to their Aunt & Uncles wedding. Cousins and friends weddings, whatever.

I've never actually been at a wedding where Neices and Nephews have been prevented from going.

But I guess ultimately the same rules apply if you really want to go get a babysitter if you don't really care if you go or you don't, then politely decline the invite - Sorry I'm unable to make it, hope you have a great day!

I presume you have spoken to the bride and groom re this new situation and explored any options. Any other people in same position?

You are not being unreasonable at all. That is something guests need to know way in advance. Also 8 weeks is quite short notice to send the actual invitss out also. They knew there was this catch well in advance and so will have to face people dropping out as a reprocussion of their poor communication. Its completely unreasonable to expect people to come with their children, Go to that expense only to spend from 5pm onwards in a hotel room. Whilst the party goes on. If you knew it would be that early for you guys you probably wouldnt have even booked a room.

I would just message them before you send off the rsvp and just say, ive just noticed on the invite that the children have to leave at 5, unfortunately we do not have a sitter who is able to collect them so on this occassion will unfortunately not be able to attend. Hope you have a wonderful day and will send your gifts up with (designated relative). Wishing you all the best love (insert name here).

See what they say first and then send the rsvp back. Its incredibly rude imo to let people fork out and spend money on them and then drop this clanger late notice and yes in the wedding world 8 weeks is very late notice however its not worth causing an argument over lifes hard enough and i doubt you will be the only ones to bow out because of this.

😂

Could your kids not go to your husband/parners family and just you and you and him go to the wedding. Kids might be initially disappointed but personally I wouldn’t miss out on a family wedding. Kid free weddings are becoming the norm I think nowadays