A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

Late to the party, but I think that's a good decision!

Have to be honest, but in my experience, attending a wedding with small children is actually shit, because you spend your whole time running after them!

I would politely decline,go somewhere nice with your children as the B&G have disappointed you and now in turn you are going to disappoint your children. I never heard such nonsense with no children after 5pm it should have been no children at all but its quite insulting really the way it was put

@KarenNotAKaren - oh my!

KarenloveKaren, you’re right up my street, literally laughed out loud at both comments. Gonna use the puddle as soon as get the chance. Please keep them coming.

Soz, Karennotakaren

Being a asian myself we dont have this issue. Children are always invited and included in the entire function. We understand its hard to find babysitters and not everyone is confortable leaving their children to strangers. Its a fanily wedding and the only time the kids can see all their cousins so why should they be left out. Ive never really liked this idea in western weddings where it plus 1. Especially when the kids are part of the family too!

This is dumb (and mean and manipulative), her kids are 4 and 8 and her dad can babysit. This isn't some newborn who is breastfed and OP is forced to go to to the wedding. Some people just like to stress other people out and make them feel bad or guilty even though they have every right to invite whoever they want to to their own wedding. People on here are so weird and should consider why they're reacting in such a way, it's not a personal attack 😐

People are seriously thick! Also no one wants so many kids that it's more like a kids party. I'm finding some of the responses on here absolutely batshit.

Sometimes with big families it's just not possible, even if you'd like to do this.
If you have 40 to 50 cousins there will be lots and lots of cousins children! And that's not counting children of siblings and friends children.

Depends on the relationship with the cousin. My kid was invited to the whole day and my cousins kids will be at mine. Just the done thing in some families.

The last wedding I was at was like this, kids came to ceremony and dinner, then it was adults only for the rest of the evening. We shared a babysitter with another cousin who had came a long distance.
I can see not having children after the reception as some will be tired after the long day and experience after being at several other large family weddings the kids are not supervised that great as the adults are busy visiting with other family or up dancing. Other weddings I have been to the bride and groom hired a babysitter (or two) and had the kids set up in another hotel room with snacks etc.

I think it’s more to do with not providing the meal due to cost/number limitations

Lots of child free weddings make exceptions for direct nieces and nephews. It’s not double standards it’s just a different relationship. You are being too sensitive and refusing to do a family event with them is silly.

I’d just say you all cant make the evening do. Absolutely no way I’d leave my kids with a random babysitter.

Delighted you found a solution, OP. I hope you have a wonderful weekend at the wedding.

to wade in on the debate of childfree v child friendly, I was one of the last of my friends to get married and settle down. As such, I was always the fun auntie, and I adore each and every one of my friend’s kids but man did it get exhausting.

at bbqs or parties, it always seemed that I would be there to entertain the kids so as the mams could wind down. Now, most of the time I enjoyed it but it made me very uncomfortable personally being drunk around these kids or even drinking around them and I started coming away from these gatherings wondering why I was the sober one when I was the only child free one.

every Christmas the friend group doesn’t exchange gifts anymore as it’s for the kids but that left me buying gifts for all the kids and having nothing in return, As I didn’t have kids.

funnily enough none of my friends treat my kids now how I treated theirs before I had my own.

my closest friend got married when she was 22, no children in the group of friends and she had a beautiful intimate and childfree day.

when we got engaged we always decided it was going to be child free. I don’t want children around drunk adults, I don’t want children bored and running around my special day, I don’t want to listen to tired children crying…

my closest friend who also had a child free wedding was so upset with me, as when she found out we were engaged she was so excited, planning the kids suits and assuming they would be ring bearers. It didn’t even cross her mind I’d want child free and she was very upset with me.

child free doesn’t mean you hate kids. It’s ok to enjoy adult only time in an expensive venue, it’s ok to not want to make everything in your life centred around other peoples kids.

as the last childfree friend, I did enough of that. I was on their schedule around naps and bedtimes and was left waiting because it took them longer to leave the house.

I was on their schedule when we swapped bottomless brunches for coffees in the park.

on their schedule when a day out shopping revolved naps, lunch, toilet training, toy shops and tantrums.

it’s not selfish or unreasonable to put your foot down on your special day that’s costing you thousands to host. My children will no doubt be excluded from events too and while no doubt I’d most likely prefer to spend a weekend with them over spending it on the piss at a wedding, that’s on me. I would personally prefer them excluded than have them cooped up in a hotel all day watching people get drunk and having them hopped up on fizzy pop and crisps from the bar.

Good that you assumed they were paying for it. Never let facts get in the way eh. Entirely their choice. Nothing wrong with pointing out what is likely to happen.

Guys. The OP has updated. She is going to the wedding.

Good that you assumed they were paying for it. Never let facts get in the way eh. Entirely their choice. Nothing wrong with pointing out what is likely to happen.

I’d say go.

go early, get lots of visits in. Brunch with whomever etc.

dump kids with your dad. They are 4 and 8. As long as he didn’t abuse you or anything they will be fine. Not knowing him that well seems pretty lame excuse, they won’t know a babysitter at all.

OR

if it’s more than four months out you can cancel without being a total asshole.

DONT tell the bride you assumed the kids could come and now don’t want to bother with a sitter, just too offensive.

@NoThanksymm she is going. OP has updated.

I'm glad you decided to go as a couple so don't miss it

Shame your children won't get to see your family /cousins for a short while

I was thinking about this and I think I would have left kids with your dad at 5

You say they see him a couple of times a year but worry he wouldn't be able to care for them

They are 4&8 so capable of asking /telling him if need anything

Bit of food and tv/playing then bed

Not like looking after a baby or toddler

He would have care for them for a few hours /could snooze on sofa /go to bed and stay the night

Or you could have stayed at his and not the hotel the second night

Mainly do they your kids can see your family /cousins if such a long drive

I guess your cousin said 5 as the. That's prob the sit down meal so a good time to 'dispose' of kids

My friend did similar. Invited to wedding and meal . Had childcare there if needed or then all kids gone by7

So we had someone collect dd 6mths ish and take home to ours and bed and we boogied and home at midnight

What a rude response! You are definitely part of Mumsnet.

Don't invite people with children to weddings if you're not also inviting their children. Weddings are literally a family event.

We were the first of our friends to get married, and invited my group of ten friends (including us).

Ten years later, those ten friends now come with ten children, doubling the number to cater for and completely changing the vibe of an CBy get together. No one would expect the children to be invited if one of the remaining singles was planning a wedding.

The B&G are entitled to draw the line where they want.

It's entirely acceptable not to invite first cousins one generation removed, ie parents cousins.
Yet people moan about first cousins one generation removed, ie cousins children not getting invited.

It's exactly the same far out family link.

What's the matter, does the selfish bully not like it back