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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A ‘children at wedding’ one….

1000 replies

TemporaryName123 · 05/01/2024 00:14

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

  • 2 kids (4 and 8)
  • Cousins wedding
  • save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
  • 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
  • this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

OP posts:
Greenshake · 05/01/2024 00:15

Honestly, at £1300 I wouldn’t even be going!

RiaLia · 05/01/2024 00:16

Have the goalposts changed though? Or did you just assume kids were invited all day and night without checking?

Original poster
TemporaryName123 · 05/01/2024 00:18

@Greenshake Unfortunately that’s just the cost of anytime we go to my families weddings as we need to stay for a few nights not just one as the drive is so long (5 hours) so not worth it for just one night. X

OP posts:
Toomanyclothesinthecloset · 05/01/2024 00:18

Yeah that would piss me off if I am honest...why would you want to go and then have to sit with the kids in a hotel room whilst family are downstairs having fun...especially as it cost so much to go!

00100001 · 05/01/2024 00:18

It's very easy.

you all go to the bit you're invited to and then non-cousin takes kids back to where you are staying.

Original poster
TemporaryName123 · 05/01/2024 00:19

@RiaLia this is a good point, we did just assume as all other family weddings were this way. So that was 100% an assumption on our part…

OP posts:
Greenshake · 05/01/2024 00:19

God that’s so steep.

MaloneMeadow · 05/01/2024 00:20

YANBU. I absolutely HATE kids not being invited to weddings/parts of weddings. They’re part of the family too and should be there. My brother refused to invite my then 15 year old (and very mature) daughter to his wedding. We just didn’t go!

Highflow · 05/01/2024 00:20

It’s their wedding, they are entitled to have it as they want it, but in that situation there’s no way I’d be going. 5 hours from home means you can’t use a local, known babysitter, would be someone the children had never met. That would be a no from me.

KarenNotAKaren · 05/01/2024 00:21

So where do they expect people to leave their kids?! In a puddle outside?

Also what kind of things are happening in the evening that children can’t be privy to? There weren’t upside down pineapples on the invitation were there OP?

littlemousebigcheese · 05/01/2024 00:22

You could go and take it in turns? One up with children for an hour or so, one downstairs at party and then switch. Your children will still get the ceremony, the meal and photos etc and the 4 year old might be shattered by 5 anyway after all that.

00100001 · 05/01/2024 00:22

KarenNotAKaren · 05/01/2024 00:21

So where do they expect people to leave their kids?! In a puddle outside?

Also what kind of things are happening in the evening that children can’t be privy to? There weren’t upside down pineapples on the invitation were there OP?

Nowhere. They go to room with non-cousin parent.

Suck it up and move on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2024 00:23

What do they expect you to do with your kids?

How much have you spent you can’t get back and how much will you save if you don’t go? Can you cancel the room?

KarenNotAKaren · 05/01/2024 00:23

So the cousins have to have the evening without their OH’s because the B&G bizarrely want kids but not for the 5pm bit? Fuck that. I wouldn’t be going to a wedding with DH then ditching him before the evening even starts.

Nevermind31 · 05/01/2024 00:25

Ask others in the family how they are dealing with it. ask cousin what others are doing with kids.

KarenNotAKaren · 05/01/2024 00:27

Tell them your children identify as adults.

Original poster
TemporaryName123 · 05/01/2024 00:28

@Nevermind31 I was thinking this but literally everyone else lives locally/is from there so will have the other grandparents watching their kids I’d imagine. Hubby has also suggested the whole ‘he can take the kids to room’ but I would just feel so shit that we all travel down to a wedding as a family and then they all disappear at 5pm. I know some people love a kid free evening but for me as this is a family wedding i was looking forward to it being us 4. Which I totally get is a ‘me’ expectation, not the B&Gs fault! I think really now I’m just looking for a polite way to let them down …

OP posts:
sprigatito · 05/01/2024 00:28

This is the sort of self-absorbed and inconsiderate behaviour that is now typical of weddings, unfortunately. B&G have bought into the narcissistic "our day" nonsense and they feel entitled to treat their family and friends like chess pieces rather than loved ones. If you can't show a little respect towards people who are your guests, who have shelled out and travelled in order to celebrate your marriage with you, then you lack the maturity and character to sustain a marriage, imo. I wouldn't go.

Original poster
TemporaryName123 · 05/01/2024 00:29

@KarenNotAKaren literally sniggered 🤭

OP posts:
Dancerprancer19 · 05/01/2024 00:30

I've been and enjoyed child free weddings but I have always been told very early on what the deal was so I can arrange suitable care or decide to say no. 8 weeks before is way too late. I would either cancel or go by myself and leave husband and kids at home.

Ellmau · 05/01/2024 00:31

Or you could all go together to the daytime bit and then all go home/to hotel. A shame to miss the evening but perhaps fairest on the children?

EsmeSusanOgg · 05/01/2024 00:32

IMO this is a substantial change to what you would reasonably believe would be happening, too close to the date. I'd perhaps politely reply.

"Thanks for the details on the order of the day. Unfortunately, this is too short notice for us to arrange appropriate evening childcare so we will have to bow out. We hope you have a lovely day."

BunniesRUs · 05/01/2024 00:32

I would wish them a happy wedding and not go. Have a trip elsewhere as a family if its a nice area or get a refund if you can. I think its rude to not invite kids personally.

Original poster
TemporaryName123 · 05/01/2024 00:33

@Ellmau Just feels like we’d be spending all that time and effort….on a half day! The evening do is the best bit of the wedding 🙈

OP posts:
kitsuneghost · 05/01/2024 00:33

How much money can you get back if you don't go?

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