A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I would be blunt and honest.

Sorry we won't be able to come as we won't have childcare for the evening. As it's not local to us there's nobody familiar they can stay with.

They are being really thoughtless expecting people to travel all that way to then turn children away at the evening.

Yes your husband could stay in the hotel room with them but why should he? You would be paying a fortune to attend, it's pointless.

Try to take the heat out of the situation. Looking at this dispassionately, nobody has actually done anything “wrong”: the bride and groom are perfectly entitled to have the wedding they want and to invite people on that basis. Equally, though, you made the decision to go based on an inference which turned out to be incorrect - and you’re perfectly entitled to decline the invitation. Especially as it’s a long way and a large amount of hassle and expense for all concerned. If it were half an hour away and one of you could pop home with the kids at 5pm? No problem. But not great to spend a whole weekend and a lot of money for one person to be trying to find a Pizza Hut and have to entertain two kids in a hotel room all night.

Just decline. Do so graciously and kindly - wish them a lovely time and say you’re looking forward to seeing all the photos. But I wouldn’t go. Their wedding arrangements work for them, but It doesn’t work for you and your family.

Personally I would have checked then if kids allowed

Esp as 5hr journey and diff booking room for couple v family room

You choice whether spend over a grand and all go and dh leave with kids at 5 and for a meal /room and swap

Or all don't go

I would message cousin and say matter of fact but politely

Sorry just reliesed children not invited - we won't be able to come as no one to have them at 5. We wish you a lovely wedding day

They should have also been absolutely clear when sending the save the date, that the children were not included in the evening.

It would give people time to think about childcare options.

If I was invited to a wedding far away that required a stay in a hotel, and my children were invited, it wouldn't cross my mind that they wouldn't be included in the evening. It's thoughtless and stupid on the bride and grooms part.

If they want to make things complicated they will have to accept some people will possibly be declining.

Ah, I've just realised I misread the OP. I had thought the children had only been invited to the ceremony and not to any part of the reception and therefore weren't going to be fed or anything and I thought that was pretty rude. But I have realised now that it's just the evening do they're not invited to, though 5pm does seem a bit early for that. But it's not so bad, especially as the children would surely be tired after a long journey and busy day and wanting to go to bed before it's over anyway so they are only being excluded for a couple of hours really.
That being the case I personally would go to the ceremony and meal actually and then get changed at the venue, put the children in their pyjamas and head for home, maybe booking a hotel part way to break the journey. But if the OP wanted to spend more time with her family it wouldn't be that outrageous to ask her husband to look after the children in the hotel for a few hours. It's not the type of invitation I would have sent myself, as back in my day the etiquette was generally that if you invited anyone to the ceremony then you were inviting them to the whole day, but I know things have changed. I still think it's a bit impolite to put guests in this position but it's not as unreasonable as I first thought. It basically comes down to how much the OP wants to see her extended family I suppose. If she really wants to go there are ways around it, but equally it wouldn't be unreasonable to decline if she feels it's too disruptive for her children.

Imagine making someone else's wedding all about you.😂😂😂

YABU and precious .

Theyre 4&8, leave them with their grandad.

I’d say the one time you’re entitled to be “self absorbed and inconsiderate” is your own wedding day! I agree this is quite short notice but it’s entirely down to the B & G who they do/don't invite. Some people prefer a party with adults only, some prefer kids there. Their choice.

What is it with weddings that evokes such entitlement about children being there?

That's really rude to say the goalposts changed! Just decline if you don't want to go, but be gracious about it and not manipulative (ie saying the goalposts have changed!), the assumption should be that children aren't invited, not that they are if you're going to be assuming things.

What are the children supposed to eat if they are not invited for dinner? Seems very odd to me.

They go home and eat?

It’s unclear in the OP about dinner.
It says they’re invited to the reception but ‘from dinner’ it’s adults only.

I read it as they would be at the dinner

Yanbu given you’ve only been told now. It’s not very much notice.

I would just be honest with your cousin and say that it is too short notice to be able to arrange childcare so you won’t be able to go. I don’t think you should say anything different, this is polite enough and honest.

is having your dad babysit really not an option?

For those saying about kids of cousins not being normally invited, it really does depend on the family.

In my family, all of my cousins (and me) are "Aunty/Uncle" so and so and my cousins kids are my "Nieces/Nephews". We are a close family and brought up more as siblings that dont live in the same house. Everyone of my cousins would make the same assumption as the OP in this situation.

And when there is no seat for them to sit at or food for them at the dinner what would you do?

I read it as the dinner starting at 5 so they effectively leave when the dinner starts.

Was the cousin, who’s getting married on the group?

In any case, I’d be gracefully bowing out.

@TemporaryName123 if you haven’t received the invite you couldn’t have rsvp’d your attendance. So simply rsvp no, or better yet let them know ASAP you can’t come.

simple response: I’m so sorry we won’t be able to make it, have a wonderful time.

if you feel the need to explain: Our apologies, we’re hadn’t realised the kids wouldn’t be able to be there for the full event or we would have let you know when you sent out the save the date we wouldn’t be able to join you. Have a wonderful time!

Don’t suggest you could come if the kids were welcome, or explain that it’s not worth the cost to only stay for the service. Just politely decline fully understanding that you assumed incorrectly - without an actual invitation that’s easy to do.

I hope you can get refunds on the hotel etc!

I wouldn't be going to any wedding that cost 1300.

I bet they have evening only guests who have children so if your children go it would be oh there are children here why couldnt we bring ours. Or a child in the family who has a complicated situation so its easier for them to say no children. I do think its odd no children on the night when they would just blend in or even get people up and dancing but OK for the meal. Perhaps explain to cousin if the kids cant go you wont have sitters and so it would mean you cant go. They may be expecting that and say its fine they can come due to circumstances. Maybe they think everyone with kids will retire early.

Well obviously OP is not a single parent and she could take this approach if she wants. They were not going out of their way to exclude anyone.