A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I was going to say this - goalposts haven’t changed, you just wrongly assumed that kids were invited. I’ve been there myself, assumed kids would be invited and they got v excited about going but when the invitations arrived it transpires they weren’t so ended up disappointed. A good lesson in not making assumptions, although it would also be helpful if this was made clear at the save the date stage!

The PP said it was their approach to weddings. Presumably they know that they aren't a single parent and know that it works for them.

My children haven't ever been invited to either my/dh's cousins weddings, so either the related cousin went solo and had a great time with the other family members, or the non related cousin sorted a friend/family member to babysit and also went along.

The OP isn't a single parent though?! So, clearly, that wasn't what I was talking about.

I'd pay no attention, take the children, and not remove them in the evening.
What are the B and G going to do? March up to you and insist you take the children to the hotel room?

If they did, I'd tell them that I didn't have a babysitter. They'd have to suck it up. Or create a scene at their own wedding.

I think it would be great to show them up as selfish and thoughtless.

Many single parents have reasonable co-parenting relationships with the other parent, who could be asked to provide parenting (because I don't want to say "babysitting" when the child belongs to both parents) while single parent parties?

Per OP's posts kids have always been included in this family's weddings previously. Whatsapp whats about the wedding included others saying how it would be so lovely to see the children all dancing and having fun together in the evening. That would have been the time for the bride and groom to correct any misunderstanding and make the arrangements clear that children were invited for only half of the day. They didn't. They sent save the dates to families living far away who would need to make travel plans/ childcare arrangements in advance and mentioned nothing about this, and didn't even communicate it informally until shortly before the actual event. They can do what they like at their wedding but any "misunderstandings" are entirely of the bride and groom's making here and they shouldn't be remotely surprised that some of their guests can't/ won't be able to comply with their last minute demands. They also clearly don't care much for the impact this would have on the children: having been given the reasonable expectation that they were included only to be told they must be left behind or vacate the venue at 5pm. People can do whatever they like at their wedding but if they behave like this they shouldn't be surprised if other people decline their (very belated, that finally disclosed the actual information) invitation.

Many single parents have reasonable co-parenting relationships with the other parent, who could be asked to provide parenting (because I don't want to say "babysitting" when the child belongs to both parents) while single parent parties?

And lots don't, because they need to protect their children from the other parent so they aren't allowed contact with the children. Or they just can't be bothered to have contact with them. Or won't change contact hours to accommodate a family event for the other parent. Or they have died.

The PP said it was their approach to weddings.

No. PP said "We live overseas but I highly recommend our approach to weddings. If kids weren't invited and it involved travel, the parent who was actually related to the bride and groom would go and the other parent just stayed home with the kids."

The OP isn't a single parent though?! So, clearly, that wasn't what I was talking about.

The poster didn't state that she was recommending it in particular family structures. She stated that she highly recommended this approach to family weddings when it is obvious that if adopted as a norm it would exclude all single parents from attending any family weddings.

Fwiw my family traveled abroad a lot as kids and my parents left us (me and younger sister) with babysitters the hotels produced; often we didn't even speak their language, they were usually middle aged women in Spain, France or Greece.

50 years ago, no cellphone etc. Parents would go out for dinner and maybe listen to music somewhere or stroll and stop in cafes.

I don't recall any negative experiences; we read, played or watched tv till the lady suggested we go to bed and that was that.

Can you really not leave them with your dad or a hired sitter at the hotel for a few short hours?

This was to @mn29

Not sure why the "reply" didn't work and tag your post.

I am aware of all of that, and then some. But your statement was that "single parents" were being "excluded from all family weddings", and while it might be true in your case (and I'm sorry if it is, genuinely) it's not a universal truth. Plenty of separated parents can do this sort of thing reasonably.

You don’t have to give a reason for not going to a wedding. A simple Thankyou for your invitation. We’re sorry we can’t make it. Will suffice if you don’t want to stir up a hornets nest with b & g. But I do wonder what other guests think of this. Is there anyone you can ask? And I’d say the chances are no one will exclude the children once they are there though you might feel a little awkward.

I don't think the kids will die if they have to he babysat for 5-6 hours, but if you're going to bail, this wording is good.

Because the "Reply" button doesn't do anything.
It's been the subject of much discussion on Mumsnet for years!

I would definitely bot have assumed from this that preteen kids would be welcome in the evening.

Honestly I think it's generous to include them for half the day, at age 4 & 8.

I am aware of all of that, and then some. But your statement was that "single parents" were being "excluded from all family weddings", and while it might be true in your case (and I'm sorry if it is, genuinely) it's not a universal truth. Plenty of separated parents can do this sort of thing reasonably.

Errr... no. Read it again. I was responding to a poster who stated that she thoroughly recommended her approach to family weddings, which was that the related parent should go and the children should "stay at home" with the other parent and pointing out how - if this was adopted as a "thoroughly recommended approach" as she suggested - this would exclude many single parents from every attending a family wedding. I've explained this several times now, even though my point was quite clear in the first place if you actually read the words.

It is, of course, the couple's day and they can invite whoever they like to whatever they like, but if they do things like this they need to accept that not everyone, especially those with long journeys, will accept the invitation.
You could as others have suggested all go to the ceremony and then send your DH off with the kids but it's a long way to drag 2 fairly young children to sit around in a hotel or something, and a lot of money to spend. It wouldn't be so bad if you had relatives who your children know well who they could spend the evening with but it doesn't sound like that is the case.
When I was a young child I was put in a similar position. We went to the wedding of a distant family member and unbeknown to my parents all the children were taken off to a different part of the hotel for the reception. Most of the others knew each other but my sister and I had never even met any of the children or adults before and it was awful. I was only about 3 but I can still remember how traumatic I found the experience. I wouldn't leave my children with strangers like that, no matter how competent they might be, so personally I'd say it needs to be someone they know who looks after them, which in your situation sounds like it would have to be their Dad, either in the venue or elsewhere.
If I was the parent doing the childcare I would find it easier to do it at home, and I think it would be less disturbance for the children to just not be involved at all than driven for 5 hours, dressed up and be asked to sit through what is probably a fairly boring ceremony to them and then be booted out to either sit in a hotel room with Dad or be looked after by people they don't know. So I'd say you have 2 viable options - either go on your own and leave DH at home to look after the children or decline altogether.

Honestly I think it's generous to include them for half the day, at age 4 & 8.

🤔

👽?

Yes, it sounds like a nice practical solution; but it's up there with MN staples such as 'if your neighbours are annoying, just move house' or 'if you're worried about having no money, just book into a 5-star spa for a week to enable you to forget about it'.

This is actually a really good idea. 🤣🤣

Oh, bullshit. Eight weeks is perfectly etiquettely correct for a wedding invitation.

Assuming that one's offspring are invited to an evening event is presumptuous. Childfree weddings are very common.

The bride and groom have done nothing wrong. Anyone who cannot find a babysitter with eight weeks notice is, frankly, incompetent.

Declining is fine but snarking is low class and tacky.

@FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper yes, just "take in some laundry". 🤣 That'll buy you a mansion in SW1.

8 weeks is ridiculously short notice for a wedding invitation if family are geographically dispersed and need to make travel arrangements! What a ridiculous commenf.

Why would you tell them before any invitations were received? That's 100 percent on you, not on the hosts.