A ‘children at wedding’ one….

[TemporaryName123]

First off, 100% accept that wedding is about bride and groom, not my family and I (before I get flamed lol!). My conundrum is as follows:

• 2 kids (4 and 8)
• Cousins wedding
• save the date was almost a year ago, wedding now in 8 weeks
• 5 hour drive away, hotel booked. Total cost of attendance will be around £1300 (petrol, outfits, gift, hotel etc).
• this evening cousin messaged to say official invites in the post. Fab!! However in the same message, said that our kids welcome to the ceremony and reception but from dinner (5ish) onwards it’s adults only…

We were all so lookIng forward to it, especially as we only see my extended family once every few years. But don’t feel comfortable travelling all that way to have our kids only enjoy half the wedding day. Plus our whole family at the wedding so we would need to get a babysitter or someone they aren’t familiar with to mind them in the hotel. Which seems rubbish for them to have to leave the fun (very social kids!!!!) and sit up in hotel room.

So as not to drip feed, my dad lives close by (parents seperated so he won’t be at wedding) but my girls see him at best twice a year for a couple of hours and while I know he’d offer to have them, we wouldn’t be comfortable with this as he doesn’t interact well with them and they don’t know him enough to be solo with him for 5 hours or so. So this is not an option really for us.

We have said all along we would go, my AIBU is:

Would we be BU to politely say we can no longer make it (and please, any short and sweet suggestions of how to reply much appreciated!)?

YABU: suck it up and go to the wedding and find a babysitter
YANBU: the goalposts have changed and it’s fair that you change your mind and RSVP no

I would have to bite my tongue not to be rude back (as they have been to you!). They should have been quite clear from the start who was included on the invite (and at what times it seems also!).
I have had similar from a cousin who sent a save the date. Then when the invite was posted it was just for me. Not me and my (very, very lovely!) partner of 6 years, nor the children. Just me. Nah, fuck that! If I'm having to suffer a family event at expense to me, I'm not doing it alone (that side of the family is not my idea of having a nice time!). I politely declined and said the arrangements wouldn't work for me, but congratulated them on their upcoming marriage.

Given that they will be aware of your situation and presumably have been planning this for sometime, this is really shitty hosting by them. Definitely don't haul yourself all that way for that. Just need to drop them a line saying "Thank you for the update, obviously we won't be able to attend now. Have a fantastic day and hope to hear all about it next time we see you"

My 4 and 6 year olds were up dancing and having fun until nearly midnight at a family wedding! I would have taken them awayyto sleep earlier if tired/ overwhelmed but they loved it. They just slept in the next day. Not a big deal.

I would state this in your message to the b&g,

"Dear B&G

I hope you're both keeping well. Not long until the big day, you both must be so excited.

Apologies that I got the wrong end of the stick, going by the WhatsApp conversations previously regarding the wedding, we assumed (silly me) that the DC would be invited to the entire day/evening. Unfortunately, due to the recent update from yourself, we unfortunately can't find childcare at such short notice, so therefore we won't be able to make it. I hope we can catch up after the wedding/honeymoon. Sorry for the confusion. Lots of love" x

Eight weeks is absolutely not enough notice. Who sends invitations/instructions out that late?

If a bride and groom want to restrict child presence, then they need to make that clear well before hotels are booked etc.

Don't say that. It's basically putting the blame on b and g by referencing a communication error and thus makes them feel bad, which isn't very nice.

@Whitegull it's absolutely true though. And bride needs to know that she made a msssive error. What if they had already paid hotel which was non refundable. Then they'd be out of pocket? It's family. She should be able to have an honest conversation about it.

Thanks everyone, I’m feeling less like we are being dicks for considering not going! Probably silly for assuming our kids were invited but just that side of the family kids have always been invited. So this is a lesson for us going forward: ask about the kids well in advance! I’m sure the B&G won’t miss us too much, it’s more the rest of the family: we love a good get together and they love getting to see the kids! So I’m sure I’ll get lots of messages from them with helpful suggestions but ultimately in my mine and my husbands minds we are either all going together or not at all. I just feel really bad for the girls as we had told them all about the wedding and they were getting excited! X

In my circles, it would be most unusual for the children of cousins to be invited to a wedding.

@Marynotsocontrary Not in ours, really normal

I'd just tell them as kids not invited to the evening, you won't be able to come. No other explanation needed!

So saying that you're silly, @TemporaryName123 . You weren't. Family weddings so far have all been child inclusive, and the WhatsApp conversation gave that impression of this one too. Stop blaming yourself. It's the bride and groom at fault here for not giving enough notice.

@saraclara thank you. I’m genuinely gutted that we are probably not going (told hubby I needed to sleep on it before responding to cousin….he said ‘do you really mean ask mumsnet about it’ 🤣). Husband was really angry about it tbh (the kid thing, not mumsnet!!) x

Husband is correct!!

Nice to be able to say that on here for once. 😁

Honestly, it's their issue. You can take the kids up to see everyone another time and have a lovely family weekend away instead to make up for not going to this. It's their right to do this, but your right not to spend £1300 for you all to have a thoroughly miserable weekend!

Whilst they can be a helpful idea in general, I think a 'save the date' that's effectively used as an invitation, but without giving all the specifics of an invitation - such as who is invited - is a really selfish, unpleasant way to go about things.

What do people expect you to do with the STD notice, if not book annual leave (if necessary), start making plans, booking travel and accommodation, sorting outfits for everybody, planning logistics/feasibility of childcare for the children IF you know they aren't invited?

If you were expected to just say "That's nice" and promptly completely forget about it until the actual invitation arrives, whatever is the point of it?

8 weeks before is indeed ridiculous. It's entirely up to the B&G if they don't want to invite children/spouses/partners, BUT they owe it to you to let you know the important facts plenty in advance.

I don’t blame them for not wanting kids of cousins. Especially those that live 5 hours away so i assume they aren’t close to. Just leave the kids with a babysitter local to you and enjoy a night or two away with your husband.

Why does she need to know? (And why is it the bride's fault rather than the groom's or OP's for making assumptions anyway?)
Bad manners to stress out a bride and groom.

It would be very unusual for a hotel to be nonrefundable unless you booked it as such (which parents of small children are usually wise enough not to do!)

Also hilarious that he knew that "sleep on it" was code for "ask Mumsnet". 🤣🤣

You expect her to find and pay a babysitter to look after the children for an entire weekend at £15-20ph as well as travelling 5 hours and paying all the costs of that and outfits and presents and hotels etc? And tell children who were looking forward to this event "sorry, you're not coming now but we're still going and we're dumping you with a babysitter for the whole weekend. Sorry about that, oh well". Fuck that.

If the "children of cousins" are so unimportant as to be not invited then presumably that's a bit much to ask of cousins.

‘Hi Bride,

Sadly we won’t make it, don’t have anyone available locally to watch the kids for the evening. Hope you and Groom have a great time, see you soon!

lots of love’

Only danger is she’ll start making suggestions (couldn’t they stay with Grandad/spend the evening with some other cousins ILs) so if I was totally opposed to leaving my kids with people they don’t know well (which is fair enough) I might just make some other totally different excuse.

That's a bit crap. I think brides and grooms should consider that guests know their own kids best and what they'll be like at an evening do.
My kids have always been brilliant at weddings. Dancing the night away with me and the aunties. When they were younger we'd leave ourselves when we thought it was getting too late/too much for them. Family celebrations include kids in my world.
I'd explain the situation honestly and say you think you'll have to decline because it's a long way to travel/high cost for half a wedding celebration.

Op I'd send apologies and put out.

I think this has been a last minute decision based on numbers or money They've screwed up either thinking babies don't count and gone over numbers. Or more people have said yes than they thought or they have realised that over 10s or 12s need an £££ adult meal, £10 nuggets isn't going to work.

I would go and then at dinner time, get the two adult meals out in a doggy bag and go back to the hotel and enjoy the evening with your children.

We live overseas but I highly recommend our approach to weddings. If kids weren't invited and it involved travel, the parent who was actually related to the bride and groom would go and the other parent just stayed home with the kids. No drama, family representation and you get to sleep in your own bed without fighting your kids in a hotel room! That said, I really do love a hotel room to myself. It's my idea of Heaven 😀

Excellent way to exclude single parents from all family weddings. 👏👏