To leave DH for these reasons?

[YouStupidGirl]

Been together for 21 years. These are some of the things he’s done over the years that have led me to this point:

Found out when I was pregnant with youngest (now 13) that he was on extra-marital affair websites and was conversing with several women and arranging to meet up in hotels.
Upon me finding out he insisted nothing had ever happened and it was all titillation. Subsequently got mad at me if I brought it up and told me all the usual stuff like “we weren’t having much sex at the time” (not true). I think this was the start of when I really started to resent him and the scales fell from my eyes.

Financial abuse: I’m a sahm (I know, I know). He pays me an allowance each week for food/clothes etc. I will admit on this he’s quite generous and rarely buys things for himself. But we have no joint finances - I have absolutely no idea how much he earns (though he has told me if he was on a salary he would be in the top 2% to afford our lifestyle)
He owns £££ in assets but I am not privy to any of this information. I don’t even know who we pay our bills/mortgage to. All his paperwork is kept in his locked offices and it’s such a mess I wouldn’t know where to begin. Now we’re getting older (and after a few sudden deaths in the family) I have asked repeatedly that I’m included in financial goings-on so that I know what to do should anything happen to him. His response is to shut me down with phrases such as “the solicitors will deal with it” or “just sell everything- you’ll be fine”. His business dealings are extremely complicated, he works 12 hour days to keep up - yet he thinks il be fine with absolutely no knowledge of the business if he dies?(he’s older than me btw)

Sex: he has, I think, a porn addiction - or has in the past. I’ve caught him many times, he knows I hate it.
I believe this has ruined our sex lufe as he’s always wanting to do things I’m not comfortable with. I don’t want to go into too much detail as it’s embarrassing but he will sometimes punch me and choke me during sex. If I complain he says he does it bc he knows I like it really. He also has some pretty gross fantasies that knock me sick. As a result I really don’t like having sex with him anymore.

He has just made me take a second lot of speeding points for him bc if he takes them he’ll be banned. If I refuse he’ll say that I will then have to do all the driving and it’ll affect his work and our finances.

He loves the sound of his own voice, is a complete bore and only talks about certain subjects: the economy, the state of the country, how much he disagrees with certain things etc. I feel he is a very negative person, though he would describe himself as positive - but this is only “toxic positivity” in my view. If you are upset about something he has the attitude of “you just need to change your mindset” or “stop moping” - as a result I don’t confide in him or really even talk to him any more. It feels like if he’s not the one controlling the conversation he’s not interested.

I read things on here about people saying their partners are kind and do things like bring them a cup of tea when they’re ill or do some cleaning. He does nothing. Bc he earns the money and I don’t work, everything else is down to me. He won’t do any diy around the house and won’t pay tradesmen to do it, as a result I feel the house is falling down around our ears - it’s really stressful.

Ive been ill this week and have been getting up late as I can’t sleep and when I come down he hasn’t even fed the poor dog. If I ask him to do anything he says “later” or gets the hump.

He’s suddenly decided after 20 years of going out of the house for 12 hrs a day that he’s now working from home as he’s no need to be in the office any more. When we were younger and the dcs were small I used to sometimes beg him to take a day off if I was ill and he wouldn’t. One thing that sticks in my mind was my dd knocking herself out and I’d just had another baby and he wouldn’t come home and take the baby whilst I took her to A&E. that’s just one example - there are many other similar incidents. I’m so annoyed that now the dcs are all flying the nest or at high school he’s suddenly decided he’s staying home. It’s driving me mad. I can’t play music whilst I’m cleaning bc he’s working etc.

Im 42 so is this age-related? Do I stick it out bc he’s not that bad or for the dcs sake? The thought of spending the next 30 years with him is depressing.

Ive no idea what position il be in financially if we do spilt - I’ve no money, no idea about his financial affairs and wouldn’t even have the money for a solicitor. I do know (or he’s said) that my name is on some of the properties he owns. I don’t think he’s done this to protect me but to protect himself should his business go tits up!

I could go on and on but I realise this is already very long. I don’t really know what I’m asking - maybe just to document things for my own sanity.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or knowledgable about instances like this where one partner holds all the cards?

I feel like if I divorce him il be completely at his mercy. He’s very clever in business dealings and knows how to hide things/use loopholes.

thanks to anyone who read that mammoth OP!

You mean other than hooking up with strange women in hotel rooms, choking you during sex, hitting you til you're bruised because it turns you on, or coercing you to commit a criminal offence that could put you in prison? Twice?

When you put it like that… I know you’re right but it’s like I can’t believe that’s me you’re talking about. I know that sounds mad.

He makes everything into a joke, like I overreact about everything. He says that it’s just normal and what couples do for one another(and he insists he’s never actually cheated on me).

It’s very hard to see it as proper abuse when you read some of the stuff others have gone through. I’m not scared of him, only scared what he’ll do if I try to divorce him (like leave me with next to nothing).

So for instance - when I was heavily pregnant and found out he was arrranging to meet women I lost it one day and hit him with a book and I broke his glasses. He would say that I’M the one with an anger problem? Because he’s very good at controlling his temper and will walk away from a confrontation more often than not.

Turns him on. HIM. So sorry, OP, slip of the fingers and it won't let me edit.

Just brainstorming here OP- do you have an asset you could sell that he wouldn’t notice in order to pay for legal advice? I’m thinking maybe jewellery, a designer bag…

you sound very wealthy- do you have a rich friends who could help you out with a solicitor?

To be fair you’re going to do OK in a divorce. Even if he hides some things, if he owns multiple blocks of flats then I don’t think you’ll starve in a divorce.

Do you have any contacts who could get you a job (any job!) just so you have a bit of money coming in.

punching you isnt serious enough? what would be serious killing you?

what is your line honestly op how bad does it have to get

If you no longer love him, for whatever reason, then leave him if that is what you want to do. It is perfectly reasonable to do whatever is right for you and that's an end to it.

Apart from making you take his driving points. That’s perverting the course of justice and is an imprisonable offence.

You go to a divorce lawyer and you tell him/her what you wrote here, word by word. She\he will tell you what to do next.

OP this man is a sexual and financial abuser.

I don’t think you realise this.

This is an appalling state of affairs. No one should put up with this.

See a solicitor as soon as possible - can you do some snooping to figure out the financials ? You don’t want him hiding money when you tell him you’re leaving

Decide you are leaving but then bide your time to sort out a job etc and to do the digging around for assets and financial info imo.

I have been there. You stay until you have gathered the strength and resources to make the change. You need to be kind to yourself and enlist support from a dependable friend because you are so unsure and confused about how he’s treating you. Planning is key. You probably know a fair bit about the finances but you just need to set it down on paper. He will probably refuse to leave the home and you will have to get an occupation order. He probably wont give you any maintenance until the courts force him and even then self employed guys can cook their books. The truth of the matter is you only get free when you start earning. Even with divorce and financial orders it’s very difficult to get these men to pay up- the solicitors dont tell you this of course. There’s no easy way to get out, you don’t end up better off but you will be sane and happy again x

I'm absolutely horrified by everything I have read here, as I was by the posts you made last year, about the awful situation you are in, but I'm also a bit confused too. A few days ago you posted about an affair you have just begun, with a younger man. When have you found the opportunity to do this and won't it make getting out of your current situation even more difficult than it already is? I think it's an important piece of information that you haven't included here. I assume you think your husband has no idea about this but if he did, do you think he would react in a vengeful way?

Couldn't read past the speeding points bit as it shocked me. He shouldn't be driving. You should never ever take points for him. If he can't drive responsibly, he shouldn't be on the roads.

Your husband is highly manipulative and although your still in denial over the abuse, it is happening. For years I excused my husband's physical abuse because "he's never put me in hospital, others are going through worse". I wish I hadn't been so bloody naïve.

But even abuse/manipulation/coercion that's happening to you aside. You can simply leave a marriage for being unhappy. Which you most certainly are. In fact, you can leave it without reason.

I wanted to cry reading your original post. I hope our collective horror at your life will give you the strength to listen to your own small voice and to understand that your abuser only says what he does in order to control you.

I agree a free consult with a solicitor is the first step. You need specialist help not just with the forensic investigation with the finances but also in terms of your safety as well. Don’t do anything that might suggest you have reached your limit until you have a specialist assisted plan In place.

The sex stuff alone would have me running for the hills! But everything you’ve listed is unreasonable behaviour and you need to get out of this marriage. I’m roughly the same age as you, you’ve got years ahead of you to be happy either on your own or in future with someone else who treats you kindly (kind, respectful men absolutely do exist!)

He’s a narcissist. Financial abuse, emotional abuse and that’s before even commenting on the sexual things you’ve mentioned.
he isn’t a nice person and he thinks he holds all the cards by withholding information from you. This is not a loving partnership.
you have many reasons to leave.

please seek some legal advice - you will have options. You could be so much happier

I didn’t mention this because I’m not going to see him again. I’ve told him this.
Nothing has actually happened between us except words and I know that seeing him was just going to muddy the waters and if I’m going to leave I have to be ok with being on my own - I’m not leaving for anyone else or looking for someone to be my exit plan.

Having an affair is wrong in any circs and yes it would make things 100 x more difficult with dh.

I think when you are very unhappy and you meet someone who is very nice and so different to your dh it can help you start to see that you could eventually one day meet someone lovely. It gave me hope, that’s all.

It was just a fantasy really that made me feel happy for a while.

Thank you though for digging through my username and trying to passive aggressively disrepute my whole situation - I hope that made you feel good 👍

Being punched is very bad...
Your life is anything but normal and your children know.

Financial abuse: I’m a sahm (I know, I know). He pays me an allowance each week for food/clothes etc. I will admit on this he’s quite generous and rarely buys things for himself.

Can you put some of this money aside so you could get a decent appt with a good solicitor?

I agree. It is that bad, it is every bit that bad. There was not one word of the original post that made me think, "Oh, it's not that bad." It is horrifying!

@YouStupidGirl, when you first leave, it will be tough. You will be making decisions that you have not had to make in years. But you CAN do this. And, over time, you will remember who you really are, and you will take wing and fly.

I’ve seen this quote before and it makes you really stop and think

Sometimes you don't realize how
terrible someone treated you untill
you are explaining it to someone else.

Please read this website:

https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/

You don't need a reason to leave but he has given you tons of reasons to leave.

Speak to a solicitor.

I am so sorry.

1. Do some research before visiting a solicitor. Especially around property ownership. If he put property or companies in your name before you got married it gives weight to the long relationship angle.
2. I would discreetly do further research before ‘showing a solicitor this thread’. Telling your solicitor you have committed a serious offence (taking his points) could cause you problems.

OP, this might help: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/the-insidious-damage-caused-by-covert-emotional-abuse and check out The Mend Project website. You can also google covert emotional abuse and covert narcissistic abuse.