To leave DH for these reasons?

[YouStupidGirl]

Been together for 21 years. These are some of the things he’s done over the years that have led me to this point:

Found out when I was pregnant with youngest (now 13) that he was on extra-marital affair websites and was conversing with several women and arranging to meet up in hotels.
Upon me finding out he insisted nothing had ever happened and it was all titillation. Subsequently got mad at me if I brought it up and told me all the usual stuff like “we weren’t having much sex at the time” (not true). I think this was the start of when I really started to resent him and the scales fell from my eyes.

Financial abuse: I’m a sahm (I know, I know). He pays me an allowance each week for food/clothes etc. I will admit on this he’s quite generous and rarely buys things for himself. But we have no joint finances - I have absolutely no idea how much he earns (though he has told me if he was on a salary he would be in the top 2% to afford our lifestyle)
He owns £££ in assets but I am not privy to any of this information. I don’t even know who we pay our bills/mortgage to. All his paperwork is kept in his locked offices and it’s such a mess I wouldn’t know where to begin. Now we’re getting older (and after a few sudden deaths in the family) I have asked repeatedly that I’m included in financial goings-on so that I know what to do should anything happen to him. His response is to shut me down with phrases such as “the solicitors will deal with it” or “just sell everything- you’ll be fine”. His business dealings are extremely complicated, he works 12 hour days to keep up - yet he thinks il be fine with absolutely no knowledge of the business if he dies?(he’s older than me btw)

Sex: he has, I think, a porn addiction - or has in the past. I’ve caught him many times, he knows I hate it.
I believe this has ruined our sex lufe as he’s always wanting to do things I’m not comfortable with. I don’t want to go into too much detail as it’s embarrassing but he will sometimes punch me and choke me during sex. If I complain he says he does it bc he knows I like it really. He also has some pretty gross fantasies that knock me sick. As a result I really don’t like having sex with him anymore.

He has just made me take a second lot of speeding points for him bc if he takes them he’ll be banned. If I refuse he’ll say that I will then have to do all the driving and it’ll affect his work and our finances.

He loves the sound of his own voice, is a complete bore and only talks about certain subjects: the economy, the state of the country, how much he disagrees with certain things etc. I feel he is a very negative person, though he would describe himself as positive - but this is only “toxic positivity” in my view. If you are upset about something he has the attitude of “you just need to change your mindset” or “stop moping” - as a result I don’t confide in him or really even talk to him any more. It feels like if he’s not the one controlling the conversation he’s not interested.

I read things on here about people saying their partners are kind and do things like bring them a cup of tea when they’re ill or do some cleaning. He does nothing. Bc he earns the money and I don’t work, everything else is down to me. He won’t do any diy around the house and won’t pay tradesmen to do it, as a result I feel the house is falling down around our ears - it’s really stressful.

Ive been ill this week and have been getting up late as I can’t sleep and when I come down he hasn’t even fed the poor dog. If I ask him to do anything he says “later” or gets the hump.

He’s suddenly decided after 20 years of going out of the house for 12 hrs a day that he’s now working from home as he’s no need to be in the office any more. When we were younger and the dcs were small I used to sometimes beg him to take a day off if I was ill and he wouldn’t. One thing that sticks in my mind was my dd knocking herself out and I’d just had another baby and he wouldn’t come home and take the baby whilst I took her to A&E. that’s just one example - there are many other similar incidents. I’m so annoyed that now the dcs are all flying the nest or at high school he’s suddenly decided he’s staying home. It’s driving me mad. I can’t play music whilst I’m cleaning bc he’s working etc.

Im 42 so is this age-related? Do I stick it out bc he’s not that bad or for the dcs sake? The thought of spending the next 30 years with him is depressing.

Ive no idea what position il be in financially if we do spilt - I’ve no money, no idea about his financial affairs and wouldn’t even have the money for a solicitor. I do know (or he’s said) that my name is on some of the properties he owns. I don’t think he’s done this to protect me but to protect himself should his business go tits up!

I could go on and on but I realise this is already very long. I don’t really know what I’m asking - maybe just to document things for my own sanity.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or knowledgable about instances like this where one partner holds all the cards?

I feel like if I divorce him il be completely at his mercy. He’s very clever in business dealings and knows how to hide things/use loopholes.

thanks to anyone who read that mammoth OP!

I mean, just one of these reasons would be enough for me.

I would leave for any one of the reasons you've mentioned, let alone all of them.
Good, kind and considerate men are out there. Fine one or them or be single, it's got to be better than the relationship you have!

Bloody hell, I only had to get to the end of the first paragraph to know YANBU.

And mention coercive control to a solicitor re the speeding fines, and the sexual assault (which is what it is) - they take that extremely seriously these days and may be a good bargaining chip for you. What a fucking arse he is.

I feel I need to clarify in case I’ve made it sound worse than it is: He doesn’t punch me in the face (he does slap my face hard though sometimes) he punches my body - he doesn’t do it in anger like domestic abuse - it’s because it turns him on (as I said earlier, prob the kind of porn he watches).

He physically assaults you. That’s a criminal offence right there. It’s his way of asserting his control over you.

Start planning now.
Money: open a savings account online. Filter any money you can into that. Even £20 here, £30 there adds up. Sell stuff, jewellery, clothes, bags, antiques, anything to add to your funds.
Speak to a lawyer. You will be safer and far better off divorced. He can’t hide everything and you can always alert the Inland Revenue…. ( been there, done that)
Speak to Women’s Aid. Do the Freedom programme.

Your husband isn’t just a vile man, he’s dangerous, his punching and choking could kill you.

You should have left him 13 years ago, but better late than never.

I would have left for the first reason alone, you need a medal to put up with him. Be free, it's liberating!

Have you Googled his name? A lot may come up. Also as someone has mentioned put his name and any company/work name you may know on search on Companies House, search Linkedin too.

Do you think he senses that you may be pulling away and that is why h is now around all the time?

Yes. He’s being nicer than usual and bought me flowers the other day which is almost unheard of. It just makes it harder though, he isn’t horrible all the time - most of the time it’s just boring, mundane.

I sometimes wish he would do something REALLY bad to give me more of a reason.

He makes all my complaints sound ridiculous. So for instance the points thing he said (in front of our dd) “well if you don’t want to I can’t force you but obviously if I get banned it will make life very difficult” etc.

The dcs get annoyed with him too, I think they see what he’s like but as he’s generally very upbeat/happy in front of them they probably see him as the more “fun” parent.

From what you've said, even if you walked away with just a tenth, it sounds like you'd still be set for life.

Get out while you still can. Build yourself a happy life. You're only 42.

(Careful about reporting the points thing - it could land you both in jail https://www.kerseys.co.uk/vicki-pryce-verdict-marital-coercion/)

He has done really bad stuff, OP. For a start, he's assaulted you during sex (it's assault if not agreed to beforehand).

He sounds utterly vile and every update makes him sound worse.

You must leave him OP.

Speak to a solicitor first though.

Oh you poor love. This isnt right at all. Please please contact Womens Aid for support. This all
points to abuse. Women’s aid will
help
you to make a plan. Don’t spend the rest of your life like this - you deserve more xx

Can you get him out of the house “fun parenting” for an afternoon or even better a weekend while you rake through all his admin and scan whatever you can find onto your phone?
I can understand the advice to leave right now but for as long as you can keep yourself safe from this monster, playing the long game while you gather as much evidence as you can may benefit you more than packing a bag, leaving with nothing and trying to fight your battle with no ammo?
Either way you absolutely do have to leave him what a freak he is 🥺

Put his name into Companies House and see how many businesses he's associated with. That might help give an idea

@YouStupidGirl

You need to see a solicitor, preferably yesterday. Seeing a solicitor doesn't mean you are going to 'do anything'. It just means you're educating yourself as to what divorce may mean to you. Then you can use that information to make an informed choice. And there are forensic accountants whose job it is to delve into a reluctant STBX's finances and find out their real net worth. The thing is, you don't actually know if he's fabulously wealthy or if he's on the verge of bankruptcy and robbing Peter to pay Paul.

As far as what he does during sex not being domestic violence, it most certainly is! It doesn't matter that he's not striking/choking you during a 'rage', he is perpetrating physical violence on you. And he's also asking/coercing you to do things that you don't want to do. That's sick and wrong. And if he's leaving marks on you, you should be photographing them.

I think you know that you need to leave. But you need to do it in the best way possible for you. That starts with a solicitor. And also with finding support IRL. If there is anyone you can tell about what's going on who will support you and keep your confidence, please tell them!

https://www.theguardian.com/uk/2013/mar/11/chris-huhne-vicky-pryce

So who would look after your kids? You need to save this thread and tell some people that he made you do this - the fact you have done it twice is pretty bad so cover yourself as best you can.

And get out of this relationship. No money or lifestyle is worth the way you ae living and I bet your kids would agree.

I am imagining a Nick Ferrari type, booming voice, talks over everyone and knows everything about everything - big yawn. But yours sounds dangerous.

In the first instance you should ask for a bigger allowance and start saving some of that money. This is something you can do straight away while you get your ducks in a row.
it may also be worth asking about being put on the payroll of one of his businesses as it will allow you to make NI and pension contributions (if it works the same in the UK as Ireland?). You can make this argument to him and get a salary then in addition to the allowance.
Next you should gather and find out as much information as you can about his business dealings. Write down anything you can remember him telling you. Get names of companies, addresses of properties. Try and establish what is in your name and also a list of everything he has including pensions.
while you are gathering this try and find the best solicitor for handling high net worth divorces. You need one who is experience with complex finances. You may need an accountant as well but that’s a question you can ask the solicitor. Do not go to them until you have all the information you can gather.
If you want a fair deal then it will be a slow careful process.

if I were you I’d concentrate on all the above before getting a job. If he’s willing to pay you an increased an allowance and put you on payroll even at Mon wage then a job is weighing yourself down when you’ll need all your efforts to get out.

i would stop sleeping with him though. I don’t think you are safe with him sexually. Since you’ve already told him that you don’t like it you can refer back to not feeling safe during sex and so it’s put you off (if he brings it up).

He's done many REALLY BAD things to you already, you don't need to wait from him to do any more.

I don't think you realise you're in an abusive marriage. But you are.

As soon as you realise, you need to go seek legal advice (you can get free 30min consultations), and make plans to leave him.

Christ, you're only 42, you're in the prime of your life, please get away from this awful man as soon as possible.

Op contacts women aid and please leave this psychopath - this is abuse. You won't be at his mercy - that's where you are now. You'll be free. Wishing you all the luck and hope xxx

I sometimes wish he would do something REALLY bad to give me more of a reason.

You mean other than hooking up with strange women in hotel rooms, choking you during sex, hitting you til you're bruised because it turns you on, or coercing you to commit a criminal offence that could put you in prison? Twice?

This is really bad. It's as really bad as it gets, short of actually killing you.

You know the Chinese proverb:

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now."

It feels like this applies to the ending of relationship. Yes, it would have been better to end this nasty toxic relationship years ago. Don’t berate yourself. U had your reasons to stay. But leave now or as soon as practically poss. It sounds so v far from a healthy relationship and it’s clearly not going to get better. He may hide some of his assets but by the sounds of it u wd had enough to get by. Hopefully u wd get your full half.

You have one life. Do not waste it on this dismal prick.

Of course he doesn't punch you in the face. That would leave a mark and 'out' him as an abuser.

Really hope you manage to find a way out of this OP

I would say this OP. This man obviously doesn’t want to lose you, as proven by the fact he married you despite his aversion to it.
you have power in the relationship even though it mightn’t feel like it. You also don’t appear to be frightened to speak your mind to him.
you can use these to your advantage to get the information you need and more money to build a buffer for when you do leave. He might dodge questions and wave stuff away but I think you can get some by putting your foot down and the rest by good old fashioned snooping.

I sometimes wish he would do something REALLY bad to give me more of a reason.

OP, with all due respect, even just one of the things on your list on its own is really, really bad.