Adult child not wanting to pay their way

[Cazzalou]

18 months ago my daughter spilt up from the BF and moved back home with me.
We agreed that she would pay £500 a month for rent and bills. We live in London.
Now she and BF are back together and are hoping to buy somewhere out in Kent.
She would like to reduce her monthly payments to £300 a month so she can save for the deposit on a new home.
This could take a long time.
Should I agree the reduction or keep it at £500?
Is daughter taking me for a ride?
I'm an almost retired nurse and my monthly income has reduced as I have reduced my working hours to 30 per week.
Am I being mean if I say no?

OP - Please answer the recurring question above!

How much extra does it cost for you to have your 26yo DD live with you in addition to her BF staying over 2-3 times per week?

Also, where does the BF live when he’s not staying over in your home?

@DeeLusional Both my sets of grandparents were supported by their children in their old age. Same goes for my other half. So...loads.

This is one of those AIBUs where I haven't a clue how to vote

@Welshphoenix Equally surely it's not fair to make your daughter your own pension plan?!

Costs of running the house are cheaper if only one person lives there.

She’s your daughter… geez

Isn't this her effectively asking you to give her £200 a month?

She's earning more than her mum...geez.

Out of interest, do you have an adult son/ daughter living with you?

Depends on the house surely and what the daughter is doing.

If the daughter basically comes home to sleep, charges a phone, has one shower annd one load of washing a week and gets take away. She won’t be costing much at all.

The op will still need to heat the house insure the house and feed herself. The rent will still be the same.

Now if op is providing food, the daughter is ragging the electric and doing a load of washing per day etc then she will be costing a lot more.

I know with dh moved in with me at my mums he paid her rent yes but actually he didn’t cost her a penny more living there as he didn’t eat her food we did our own shopping we ate out 99% of the time and he showered at his mums as he didn’t like our shower and his mum did his washing still he was also picky with toilet roll so purchased his own. He was just an extra person in my bedroom he actually saved her money as I wasn’t eating her food anymore either and he was paying her for the privilege of sleeping in my bed 😂

And here’s another question that may help to give further context and understanding re. OP’s circumstances/position:

OP - Why did you decide to reduce your working hours?
(Of course, you were perfectly entitled to make this decision - your life, your money!)

Two questions
1)how much did your daughter moving in actually cost you? If she is looking to save towards her future i would say it was only ever reasonable to cover your increased costs.

2)you say you reduced your hours… was this before or after her moving in? If you reduced your hours before she moved in i don’t see how this is at all relevant. If you reduced your hours after you moved in we’re you doing this based on extra money you were getting from your daughters payment (this is the only way I can see how you reducing your hours is relevant to the situation?) …. If so what was your plan for when your daughter moved out?

As a parent I would do everything I could to provide my children with a secure future.

so if she is asking you to reduce her rent so she can go out partying and waste the money then yea she would be taking you for a ride. But asking for your help in saving for a mortgage… how can that possibly be taking you for a ride? She is being responsible and I would have thought any parent would want to support that if they could afford to.

I would have thought the same, but a lot of people on this site seem to be of the opinion that once adult children turn 18, they need to 'stand on their own feet' and 'not take the piss' and that parents have 'done their stint'. I am very very glad that my parents have never been like this, it is a very grim, transactional way of looking at the world.

I was never charged when I lived ah home in my 20s and wouldn't charge my kids when they're adults. If you have to, charge the additional costs. Actual "rent" is pretty mean.

Personally, I'd chuck her out now. She's definitely using you, and she needs to grow up. Fast.

Yes, it is quite weird and the argument (or excuse) that doing nothing for children once they hit 18 benefits the child is particularly delusional.

Sure, the OP should chuck her daughter out, and not only lose the money that her daughter is paying, but also damage their relationship and make the daughter feel less inclined to help the OP out when she is older. That'll larn 'er!!

There is a huge difference between chucking your children out of the nest and giving them no help, and "keeping" them in adulthood, expecting them to contribute nothing like some giant cuckoo in the nest. There seem to be many people on here who have the means to subsidise their adult children forever. Good luck to them. Most people aren't in that fortunate position but do what they can. Like OP is doing.

This dc isn't planning on staying at home though. She intends to buy a house and move out. It is much harder to do this nowadays than it used to be and while fair enough to cover extra costs making a profit out of my children is not something supportive parents do.

My DD paid £500/month at 18, nearly fifteen years ago. She was earning a reasonable salary and saving to pay her own fees at university. It didn't cost me £500/month in additional costs so I worked out the difference and saved it. I divided it into three and gave it to her at the start of each academic year for emergencies and treats. DD was always clear that she wanted to properly learn to budget before she took on the expense and this was a safe way to learn to do it. I was happy to reward that foresight.

If you don't need the additional £200, you could do similar or you could just save it for yourself. Neither are bad choices.

The Dd is a 26 tear old teacher so hopefully doesn't need her mum to teach her to budget.

@coffeeaddict77 You would think but there again, I'm a 63 year old teacher who definitely needs to learn to budget... I do have a DD who is far more sensible than me.

Can't belive nobody as asked but does she stay at the boyfriends any nights. Lots quick to say charge him for stopping 2-3 nights but there's 4-5 other nights

She’s working full time, earning more than you. If she lived anywhere else in the area her rent would be at least £1500 without bills , as will her mortgage be more than that, even in Kent. On her likely salary she has plenty of disposable income to save still. She needs a reality check

It all depends on a few things, how much is she earning, what other outgoings she has, does the bf also live with you if so he could make up shortfall. I live near Portsmouth My Eldest Is 19 and I get 180 a month off of him and another 120 off his Gf, this is a great help towards bills. My initial agreement with my Son was 25% of whatever he earns.