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Original poster

To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

558 replies

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

OP posts:
NorthernSturdyGirl · 07/01/2024 09:36

Well, I have to say that this is what a close friend did many years ago and I knew exactly what basis I was invited on and was happy to join in.

They just wanted to be married and following many financial setbacks, decided to book the registry office and stay simple. Close immediate family at wedding only.

They sent out a short note telling friends and family that in an ideal world they would want us their as their guests but the financial reality meant this would make their wedding many years in the future and they wanted to wed now.

They offered an option to join them at a local Italian afterwards at our own expense and that we would need to prebook/pay and 60 of us did just that.

A few weeks after their actual wedding they had a small gathering with a buffet at home and most people took a dish to help spread the cost.

I have to say that we thoroughly enjoyed it and would be happy to do this again.

It cost us £50 a head for food plus drinks and to be honest, we saved on a posh wedding outfit, we got to eat and drink what we wanted and a good time was had by all.

Ifhappylittlebluebirdsfly222 · 07/01/2024 10:05

I was going to say absolutely not but after reading the op it doesn't seem so bad.

Crafthead · 07/01/2024 10:12

If these are close friends why not just explain individually as you've done here that you'd love them to be there, but can't afford to pay for them to eat, and understand if they would like to just come for a drink afterwards. Perhaps make it clear you don't expect gifts and make it casual as many would spend the cost of the meal on a gift or an outfit.

It was a long time ago (1999), but I got married for £3k which paid for the registry office, my outfit (not traditional, purchased at Camden market!), a sit down meal on a barge for 30, a buffet & disco at a pub with £200 behind the bar for drinks for 150 in the evening .

LJAhmet · 07/01/2024 11:02

Wow I can't believe what some people have said on here. It just shows how selfish people are. Weddings are about celebrating two people's commitment and love for each other. Why should they miss out because of money. If your closest people really care about you and actually just want to celebrate your big day then they shouldn't care. Didn't even realise people thought this. My friend had a wedding last year it was beautiful and all she did was hire a reception room at a cricket club and everyone bought their drinks and celebrated. Someone said if your inviting them you should expect them to pay? So if you invite people out for a night for your birthday you should pay for them? Someone else said I would be pissed if they turned up in an expensive dress? What the actual hell, its your big day and the dress is what every girl dreams of from being a child and should be the main priority. Listen you go for it and if people don't understand then they really don't care about you. I hope you end up having a lovely day and don't stress about any of it x

VanityDiesHard · 07/01/2024 11:49

neighboursmustliveon · 05/01/2024 20:19

We suggested this to friends and it was exactly what they did. Non of us friends minded paying for a meal. It was a starter and carvery for £15 a head. They expected no gifts.

The only time I was a bit out out was when I found out she had spent nearly £1000 on her dress which I though was a bit much given we were paying for our food.

SI long as you are up front I don’t see the problem.

As long as they didn't want gifts, I don't really see the issue. I would spend far far more than £15.00 on a wedding gift for a friend, so I would still be coming out ahead!

Angela2406 · 07/01/2024 15:20

I don't think this is unreasonable...any real friends would want to be part of your celebrations...

How about something like 'Your presence is much more important to us than any present...we would love it if you could celebrate with us and pay for your meal as our budget is very tight...'

LoveBluey · 07/01/2024 16:10

People are just hung up on what they think a 'wedding' should be. If you wanted to plan a night out with a group of friends but couldn't afford to pay for everyone of course people would say don't be ridiculous just arrange it and ask everyone to pay their own share. It just happens to be a meal after a wedding.

I'd happily pay and if I didn't like the idea I'd just decline the invitation.

I would be much happier invited to a pub/restaurant rather than being asked to bring a dish for a buffet. That would be hassle and I honestly don't enjoy parties with buffet food. Would much prefer a proper sit down meal.

HeidiHunter · 07/01/2024 16:19

It is unreasonable. A wedding is a one-off and it does seem odd that you couldn't have save up to host your guests (which traditionally means providing a meal).

Outthedoor24 · 07/01/2024 16:27

@HeidiHunter you have no clue about the Ops circumstances beyond they are both in their 50s, and can't afford a wedding.
I'm sure if saving for year would enable them to pay for the family and friends dinners they'd do it.
They possibly have a shed load of debt they are paying off, trying to support teens in Uni, they possibly rely on UC to get by week to week can't increase working hours for whatever reason (Health or caring responsibilities). We don't know but they want to get married and celebrate the occasion without getting into debt or more debt

BusyCaz · 07/01/2024 16:54

MarkWithaC · 05/01/2024 12:47

'not appropriate', 'Oh God, no' 'wouldn't fly' 'shameful' Hmm
And jollywhite,s post is spiteful and ignorant.

I'm feeling more and more grateful for my own friends and family.

This, cannot believe how awful some people are!

Mrssnee16 · 07/01/2024 16:57

It's not cheeky no, there's no law that states you must pay for guests meals, especially considering larger weddings with meals included don't have a free bar so the assumption can't be its ok to ask guests to pay for their own drinks but not their meals. If you were to put it on the invites that they're invited to the ceremony then the wedding party will be going for a meal but that it will be at their own expense, or if they didn't want to pay for a meal then maybe pop a time in the invite when guests could meet at the restaurant for drinks only.

BusyCaz · 07/01/2024 17:16

fml666 · 04/01/2024 20:26

Thanks all.

The furthest anyone would have to travel would be a 90 min drive. A lot are much less, more like 30 mins drive. Registrar's office to our house is 15 mins drive.

This has been really helpful. I totally get the cost involved with attending a wedding, outfit, travel, present, dog sitting, petrol, hotel room potentially etc etc. Therefore I'm going to propose to DP that we invite family and close friends to the ceremony and then all back to ours for Prosecco, lots of other booze plus a buffet with lots of fairy lights in the garden if the weather is kind ( we have a big garden.) I will also stress on the invites that it's an informal invite and people can wear jeans/ pjs/ whatever they've comfy in. I'll probably wear a long, floral maxi dress I already have with a flower in my hair. No formal bridal outfit.

Do t think we'll feel like going out for a meal after we've kicked off our shoes, danced around the garden and had a few drinks. Maybe do it at a later date as a PP suggested.

We can also have our own playlist at home with our favourite music.

I think this idea sounds lovely. Really hope you both have a fabulous special day ❤

JG4 · 07/01/2024 18:28

I agree with the general consensus of drinks & buffet at home , it will be lovely . I recently went to a wedding very similar to what you are describing , in their back garden . It was LOVELY, I really enjoyed it . They had a couple of big gazebos in case of rain , a wonderful BBQ ( they paid someone to do that , though ) and a do it yourself drinks setup . I wish you a wonderful wedding day , whatever you decide x

OVienna · 08/01/2024 07:12

Mrssnee16 · 07/01/2024 16:57

It's not cheeky no, there's no law that states you must pay for guests meals, especially considering larger weddings with meals included don't have a free bar so the assumption can't be its ok to ask guests to pay for their own drinks but not their meals. If you were to put it on the invites that they're invited to the ceremony then the wedding party will be going for a meal but that it will be at their own expense, or if they didn't want to pay for a meal then maybe pop a time in the invite when guests could meet at the restaurant for drinks only.

Yeah - I think this disconnect hasn't sunk in with some on this thread many of whom I suspect may well defend the two tier guest list of inviting some people to the evening do only (and still expect travel and a gift etc.) So much frothing here.

OVienna · 08/01/2024 07:15

Then try to justify if it by saying the evening do is "traditional." It may be conventional but it doesn't make it more "correct" than other sorts I arrangements people may come up with.

WaltzingWaters · 08/01/2024 07:24

i think if it’s made clear beforehand and it’s a “you’re welcome to join us for dinner or just drinks afterwards” situation it’s fine. Also make it clear it’s in place of a wedding gift. I’d be happy to do this for a close friend who genuinely was struggling to pay for their wedding and therefore wasn’t going overboard with a huge wedding they couldn’t afford. As long as they have the choice and the reasons it’s fine.

DottyPencil · 08/01/2024 07:32

Your new plan sounds lovely. A party at home with fairy lights in the garden and a buffet sounds like a lot of fun. If you're at all worried about the weather, large party marquees can be bought/hired cheaply and will take that stress away.
Could you ask a couple of family members/friends to club together to fund it as a wedding gift? I've found people love to help and muck in with party prep. There'll be loads of ideas for cheap ways to decorate online.

chaosmaker · 10/01/2024 08:56

HeidiHunter · 07/01/2024 16:19

It is unreasonable. A wedding is a one-off and it does seem odd that you couldn't have save up to host your guests (which traditionally means providing a meal).

But why? If you are skint then actual real people that are friends wouldn't care about paying for their own food in order to celebrate. As MANY on this thread have done.

Lonejohny · 10/01/2024 09:03

My friend had a small wedding. She just said her and new husband were off for a meal after. If anyone wanted to join them she was going to book a table. We were fine with this and paying for ourselves. It was a simple not too expensive but nice pub lunch.

Bamboobzled · 09/04/2024 09:13

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Personally I'd get married on our own and then save a bit to be able to have a dinner. Or just have close family who will pay. I'd never invite friends and expect them to pay (hence why we aren't married yet as we'd like to have people for dinner).

1mabon · 08/07/2024 13:11

If I had to pay for my own meal then that would be the gift.

User79853257976 · 08/07/2024 13:14

I thought it would be a no but I’m these circumstances you could say ‘in lieu of a gift, we would love for you to join us for a meal at…’ hopefully that would be clear enough.

mumedu · 08/07/2024 20:29

fml666 · 04/01/2024 18:22

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

Yes, you are being unreasonable. If you can't afford to take care of guests, don't invite them. I had a tiny wedding and it was a happy occasion.

mumedu · 08/07/2024 20:31

Fionaville · 06/01/2024 14:45

I wouldn't. I'd spend whatever money you have budgeted (for your meal) on a little afternoon tea for everyone. Sandwiches, cakes and a glass of fizz. Make it the night before and have it in a small pub or a village hall (say its bring a bottle for anybody who wants to drink more) That's what a lot of people used to do, before weddings became a massive expense.
It's obviously personal choice though. I know what kind of do I'd rather go to (it's the latter)

This sounds much nicer.

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