To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

I think that's fine. If they are actual friends they will understand.

We decided to have a bring and share reception - it was coordinated by a friend ( essential) and it was absolutely brilliant. We both had so many friends and we really had no money and it meant that 350 friends were able to come for everything. My mum made the most amazing cake! My best friend was in the same position and did the same, all fabulous, and a real sense of family and community.

Just make it clear you would really love for them to be there and give them the option of joining you for a meal (paying for their own) OR drinks reception and make it clear that them being there would be the best (and only) gift.

I’d hate to be friends with some of the people in this thread!! Jeeeeez!

I have been two weddings that I paid for my own dinner at and I did so happily!!
They were local, so no travel real expenses, both registry office, so didn’t need to be overdressed and one was a gorgeous Chinese restaurant we all loved and knew very well it was about £30 each all in and the happy couple had 2 bottles of fizz on the table for an initial toast. The other was a rather nice hotel that did a set menu for everyone that was £40 for a 3 course meal and coffee. The drinks were pretty pricey there so bride and groom chose a second venue for drinks.

All in all 2 great days and nights that cost less than the hotels and travel I’ve had to do to many other weddings.

Real friends will want to be there is the be all and end all.

I'd go very happily and understand.

This is a great idea, those closest to you and know your circs will be happy to pay I'm sure. The others can nibble and drink later on! I always find it's such a shame to focus on the food aspect of the day, when it should be a celebration of you both. No criticism intended, I also worried about the food situation! Worst case scenario, the miserable aunt doesn't get her foie-gras, and you can tell her to stuff herself

One of the nicest, happiest wedding I’ve ever been to was at a registry office followed by a prosecco toast at the bride and grooms home. They ordered m and s nibbles and pizzas were delivered. Dessert was a slice of wedding cake. Guests were asked to bring a bottle xx

I think a buffet and garden party (weather permitting) sounds lovely. Could you maybe have your meal a few days before the wedding as a joint hen/stag do? Or even a nice breakfast or brunch before the wedding on the day?

Actually some of us have referenced how this will reflect on Op and also how it would be unnecessarily stressful on the day hoping everyone paid.
Also opening up ones finances to debate.
" can't afford a wedding but off on holiday, got a cat, blah blah"

Part of healthy boundaries and common sense is having the wedding you can afford so that Op, her DH to be and the guests are all happy.

Zero need for shit friends comments.
What if the " shit" friends can't afford to pay and have to decline the invite?

I was going to say no, imagining you were planning a big fancy wedding you couldn't afford so wanted guests to pay for (have seen those threads!) but this is really different. You simply want a happy meal, with close family and friends, after a quiet registry office. No pressure if they'd rather just do drinks, but an open invite to join you for the meal if they are okay to pay, as you just don't have the money for 'a wedding'. This is a marriage with a small celebration after, not A WEDDING and as people don't have to book overnight hotels, buy a fancy outfit or choose a gift from a list, etc etc I think it sounds lovely.

Would love to attend a friend's wedding in these circs, and be more than happy to pay for my own meal. You're fine, IMO.

Congratulations! I hope you have a lovely day, and a very happy marriage.

But that's what the 'no pressure at all, if you can't make the meal we'd love to see you for drinks in the bar!' is for.

I'd want the choice. If it was a good friend, I'd far rather go to their wedding and pay for my own meal, in an informal day like this, than have to go to a big fancy wedding with free everything, but with the costs of clothes, hotel and a present, for people I didn't feel as close to. And with so few invites, this is probably people closer, no?

If possible create a watts app group for all those you wish to invite and then send a message along the lines of.... "We are delighted to share our happy news with you, we are getting married on xxxxx. We would love you to join us on our happy day, but we want you to know that we can't afford to pay for meals, drinks etc. If you would like to join us for a meal, at your own expense, please let us know by xxxxx, so we can book numbers at xxxxxxx. If you would like to meet us after for a drink (at your expense), that would also be lovely. We are sorry we can't afford to pay and fully understand if you are unable to join us. Just FYI, we do not expect any presents".

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, enjoy.....

You can't expect people to pay for there own meal,can't you post pone the wedding till next year if you can,or just invite close family and friends ✨️

But then your guests will be embarrassed and feel pretty shit at having to hang about waiting for others to finish eating or expose their financial situation.

It's not either B&G getting in to silly debt or people pay for themselves-the answer is having the wedding you can afford and I'm glad Op has come to that conclusion

This is a totally fine thing to do! I have been to weddings similar eg we would love you to celebrate with us but money is tight. If you’d like to celebrate with us either at a meal or drinks then please come along but you’ll need to pay for yourself. It’s totally fine and should be made more normal.

No just no!
Can you imagine sending that

I would elope to Gretna rather than send that.

Prosecco and buffet at home sounds perfect, have a gorgeous day

Oh dear! Well family are happy to pay for their meals, which is something.

Can you really not spare £100 for a few friends? If I ever get married (unlikely after ex 🙄) I would only want a few people there, very low key and I would expect to pay for them.

It might be better discussing this with friends rather than messaging?

Yes, of course it’s ok to ask them. They are close friends so should understand you can’t afford it and they have the option to say no.

I think if you’ve invited them you should probably buy them all a drink, but saying that you’re thinking of a restaurant after - wouldn’t most ppl assume they pay for themselves as they get to order what they want and it isn’t a set menu? I don’t see how it’s really different to ppl inviting friends out for a meal or drinks on their birthday and only paying for themselves (friends would usually pay for them in this situation - it’s not a wedding I know).

Don’t lose sight of the fact the main event is seeing the two of you getting married. Ppl can choose whether or not they attend the restaurant after or just join you for a toast to your happiness. I don’t understand why there’s necessarily an expectation that you pay for everyone if it’s not a formal affair at the wedding venue etc - if you did you wouldn’t be able to share the day with at least half of them would you. It would be different if you provided an itemised bill after they’d finished eating somewhere that had place settings at the venue, set menu etc, but ppl should be understanding to the situation and realistic as to the fact we’re living in a cost of living crisis and ppl don’t have £1000’s to blow on one day.

I wouldn't mind this at all, for close friends where I knew the circumstances! I don't go to a wedding for a free meal, and would understand that sharing the day with you is important.

Could uour family pay for the friends meals as a gift? ( if u limited number of mates) or do a set price buffet the pub paid for by yr family as a gift?

I would be absolutely fine with this . If I didn’t want to pay and attend I’d be able to politely wish you well but not accept the invite . I don’t see the no problem at all . Go for it

I was referring to the posts basically saying theyd never attend a friends event without a free meal (or also drinks in some mental cases!)

If anyone invited would discuss the OP finances in such a manner than i would say they are, in fact, shit friends. I would rather pay for a meal and celebrate a friends happiness than not be there. And if paying for said meal meant they could go on holiday, even better. Again, only shit friends would grudge that.

If her friends are also struggling financially they can simply decline the invite or say "listen is it ok to meet you after the meal for drinks".

Its honestly not that hard to be a good friend 🤷🏼‍♀️

When you invite someone you can't expect them to pay really as they are making the effort, time and travel. How about a donations please instead of presents? Most people are generous for weddings and will happily oblige. The gifted money can amount to a fair bit, so you will get a good chunk back. Xx