To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means. You can’t have the wedding you want simply by asking guests to help pay for it - that’s very bad manners. Anyone in this situation needs to trim the costs: fewer guests, cheaper dress, shop bought cake, no table fancies, cheaper honeymoon etc etc before trying to charge guests to attend their wedding. It’s not fair simply because you’re choosing the venue etc etc then effectively asking them to cover your costs for this or the wedding can’t go ahead. So you need to lower your budget. You also can’t ask them to pay for food instead of buying a gift because this is also rude in making the assumption that you’ll get everyone to buy you a present. Yes, people will get you them but it at least has to feel like a choice to do so!

The OP has already explained that the wedding is at a registry office with immediate family and close friends.

If guests have to pay for their own food it’s a sign that you’re having a wedding that is beyond your means

Nope!

It means OP wishes to share her celebration with people who want to be there. No new outfits needed, no gifts, just food to pay for.

Second marriage in her 50’s OP wants a marriage not a wedding.

A friend of mine did this exact thing. It was. O more expensive for us than a night out and We were all just happy to be there to see them get married.

Surely it’s a sign that the wedding is about getting married not having a big party? I had a small wedding not because we couldn’t afford it but because I didn’t want one.

Why not,you can get vegan cheese and supply an alternative for dairy intolerant.....I have both of these variants in my direct family and still manage to have cheese and wine Christmas eves party every year that we all partake in (Also have people who don't drink alcohol)

You've not read & comprehended any of the OP's posts have you?!

I think a registry office then get together at your house sounds lovely.

It is cheeky VERY! If you want to be married just go and get married Skip a celebration if you can't afford to pay for it

I wouldn't. I'd spend whatever money you have budgeted (for your meal) on a little afternoon tea for everyone. Sandwiches, cakes and a glass of fizz. Make it the night before and have it in a small pub or a village hall (say its bring a bottle for anybody who wants to drink more) That's what a lot of people used to do, before weddings became a massive expense.
It's obviously personal choice though. I know what kind of do I'd rather go to (it's the latter)

I think this sounds like a brilliant wedding and much the best solution. If I was your friend I’d love to come to this and think it much better than a meal in a hotel.

If things are tight personally I think it’s also OK to ask for contributions to the buffet. Perhaps instead of gifts?

The idea of ceremony then a meal not everyone is invited to and then the buffet would just be weird.

i hope it goes really well for you.

I wouldn’t mind this, but logistically how would it work? How would people pay? My concern would be if they all have to order pay individually half the people will have eaten before everyone ordered, if it’s more “pay for what you eat and drink” I guarantee that people will underpay/forget service charge and you’ll be left out of pocket.

Could you find a room to hire (village hall etc) and ask everyone to bring a dish and a bottle (there’s loads of app/websites now so you don’t end up with 30 plates of sausage rolls)?

If I was invited to a friend's wedding "it's a small informal wedding at the registry office and if you'd like to join us for dinner at Bella Italia/the local pub/other inexpensive eatery we'd love to see you", and it was made clear we'd have to pay for ourselves I'd be more than happy to come.

Esp if I didn't need to stay anywhere overnight. I'd still buy a gift.

No
i think you should pay for whatever your budget stretches to ie if you can only pay for immediate family then that’s all you invite

sorry but I think it’s cheeky and grabby otherwise especially if you’re thinking presents as well

Read the Ops posts and tell us what bits she can chop out?

The wedding is already very frugal.

What I think a lot of ppl have lost sight of is the fact that weddings are means to be celebrations of a couple GETTING MARRIED! That’s the point!!!

No guest is owed a free meal just bc the couple had the audacity to invite them - what?! It runs into thousands of pounds including family and friends, on top of everything else! Which means the couple is saddled with debt unless they dive into savings that could be spent on practical things like a mortgage/rent/cost of living, or they aren’t allowed to invite all the friends and family they want to share the day with them bc they can’t afford it.

Since when have weddings been more about the party/meal than the actual ceremony? (Forever, I know, it’s ridiculous!) Ppl can celebrate however they want, but to be offended if they don’t offer to pay for ONE meal bc they’d rather be able to have you there on the day - how is that out of order or offensive?

Agree with this.

The only issue I can think of is whether people leave. You might want to set a time on the invitations like "Open house 4-8pm" or whatever works.

Maybe it's just me but I'd be a little embarrassed saying to my friends and family "I can't afford a wedding so would you mind paying for own meal?". No shade to the OP, I couldn't afford a wedding myself at the moment either but I just wouldn't have the balls to admit that, even to my extreme nearest and dearest! The plans you have suggested sound lovely.

Id just mention to friends apologetically that while you'd have loved to include them, you just can't afford to host anyone.

In my group quite a few or us would then chime in with "well we'd love to come- we'll pay our way if you'll have us". Always better to engineer a situation where people can offer if they'd like to, than to ask.

If you can afford a room or use your house do a buffet if not could you go a local pub and have a few drinks.

If you can't afford it then I wouldn't invite them to the sit down dinner just the drinks reception. That way they are still part of the day but there's less to request. Just let them know they'll have to pay at the bar.

have the reception in your house, or provide the food yourself

i see you have made the decision,
good one op
enjoy your day