To ask wedding guests to pay for their own dinner

[fml666]

DP and I have been engaged for a year and money is short currently so we've put on hold our wedding. However, I've had a couple of health scares recently, neither of us are young ( 50 and 53), and we just want to be married.

So we've booked the registry office for a small wedding ( up to 30 guests) for May. Family are very keen for us to go out for a celebratory dinner afterwards but we've made it clear we can't afford to pay for them, and they're very happy to pay for themselves. However, we'd love to invite some close friends too, but can't afford to pay for their meal. We're planning on eating at a local hotel and thought we'd invite some friends but make it clear they'd have to pay for their own meal. But also give them the option of meeting us for drinks in the bar after the meal if they prefer.

Are we being unreasonable? I'd be fine with it if I was invited on this basis but not sure if other people would think it cheeky?

As a guest I would say I didn’t mind to pay for my own meal but I wouldn’t like it at all.
As hosts you really have to offer something. Try to be more creative. Could you not offer welcome drinks and nibbles? Or provide a few bottles of wine and beer at the table plus shared starters like garlic bread/dips?
Otherwise, it all looks a bit tight arsed and miserable- even if that is not your intention.
I have been to occasions like this and people are polite on the surface, but there was a bit of disgruntled muttering about it later.

I think if you’re upfront it’s fine. People can make their own minds up. Hope you have a lovely day OP.

There,are plenty of posts on here about CFery from friends .
Not wise to put yourself under that sort of scrutiny.
So it's OK for Op to have some friends who will miss out, very sad if they can't go and absolutely not the point of having a wedding!
Human relationships are complex, let's stop pretending everyone is happy, skippy perfect friend the whole time.

This is what I would do. Late ceremony, quick pint in nearby pub, then back to yours for a buffet. “No gifts please, just byob”. The best parties are always at someone’s house imo! Have a fabulous day whatever you choose xx

A friend of mine recently got married and couldn’t afford a big reception. So they invited their friends and family and asked everyone to bring something for a shared picnic in their parents field . It was one of the loveliest weddings I’ve ever been to

I would be happy to pay for my own food and drink if it were made known to me well before the event.

About a decade ago I was invited to a wedding in Scotland when I lived in London. Bride and groom wanted a two night event so we all had to pay towards this manor house that was stunning (but transpired all other guests were paying for their room). Plus train travel, taxi to remote house etc.

Was also instructed to bring food and drink (from London) to be consumed at said manor house during the weekend. Day of wedding we all had to pay for taxis to travel about 30 miles to the registry office and after on to the gastro pub they had chosen to eat at. And back again too.

On arrival at the gastro pub there was no welcome drink, just a quick speech from the groom saying, “thanks for joining us today, please pay for your own food and drinks so that it’s not awkward if your meal costs more than what others order.” Okie, fair enough…

Practically fell off my chair when other guests offered to pay for the bride and groom’s meal, when both were full-time employed and renting out BOTH of their pre-marital houses after buying another property together.

The weekend cost me over £1k (including the £300 cheque I gave them on arrival to help towards their honeymoon).

They are still happily married though so I’m pleased for them. I couldn’t have showed my face in public if I had done that to my wedding guests though…

YANBU

As long as you make it clear that everyone pays for their own food & drinks from the start, people then have the option to accept or decline the invite.. you’re not forcing anyone to come, I would just write on the invite that funds are low so all guests will pay for their own meal however you don’t want a gift or something like that

Awks

It's not old but it's older than most who get married, nothing wrong with that but it's a fact!

We had a budget wedding and just had wedding cake with drinks after the registry office ceremony. Everyone was aware and they all loved it.

When I got married, we had a day event and then went out for a meal in the evening with a large group of friends, and everyone paid for themselves. I’m still in touch with most of them (bar the groom 😂) so I guess they weren’t too offended. Just make it clear in the “invite” then they have the option to join you or not, and won’t get caught off guard.

@user1485851222 · Today 18:24

If possible create a watts app group for all those you wish to invite and then send a message along the lines of.... "We are delighted to share our happy news with you, we are getting married on xxxxx. We would love you to join us on our happy day, but we want you to know that we can't afford to pay for meals, drinks etc.

If you would like to join us for a meal, at your own expense, please let us know by xxxxx, so we can book numbers at xxxxxxx. If you would like to meet us after for a drink (at your expense), that would also be lovely. We are sorry we can't afford to pay and fully understand if you are unable to join us. Just FYI, we do not expect any presents".

That is one of the worst things I have ever read! I can't even imagine sending that!

@fml666 FFS don't send this.

Also agree with a pp that accusing people of being 'shit friends' (as a poster did further back,) because they don't think it's right to be asked to pay for their own meal at someone else's wedding, is a nasty thing to say. You don't know other peoples circumstances. The nerve of people saying this! I'm glad I'm not THEIR friend!

And it's not a 'generational' thing. I just asked my DC - aged 30-ish - and they said they would rather just elope and get married in Barmouth with 2 witnesses, than have a wedding they can't afford, and ask the guests to pay for their own wedding meal.

Seriously, if you can't afford to provide for your guests, cut your cloth and have a smaller wedding, and invite less people. Asking people to pay for their own food at your wedding is horrific etiquette. I am embarrassed for the people thinking it's OK. 😩

You didn't ask people to pay a tenner each for their individual slice of cake though did you? OR have a lavish £100 a head wedding breakfast, and then send people a bill for what they had eaten. It's the most cringeworthy thing I've read on here for a LONG time.

We suggested this to friends and it was exactly what they did. Non of us friends minded paying for a meal. It was a starter and carvery for £15 a head. They expected no gifts.

The only time I was a bit out out was when I found out she had spent nearly £1000 on her dress which I though was a bit much given we were paying for our food.

SI long as you are up front I don’t see the problem.

It’s your wedding and you do as you wish. As long as you make it clear on your invite. I’m pretty sure people will understand x

Look, OP. I've read your posts and 100% you can be confident of not being a bridezilla. You're good and if you were my friend I wouldn't mind at all paying for my meal. However, I think your solution of a buffet at home afterwards is fab.

I would have left, I think, unless it was a place I'd have been happy to have an excuse to attend anyway. Like - if it's a place where I could have seen myself holidaying at some point and I could view the wedding as an excuse to go.

You're trying to have it all ways without a clear vision. There are probably only 30 people max you want to be present at vow exchange. Have you invited those people? Or are you mish-mashing people you think you "ought" to invite? What exactly are you/ your dinner guests doing at dinner? Are there 30 guests free and everyone extra will be paying for meals? Do your wedding day with what you can afford. It's expensive going to a wedding. There's usually an outfit, travel, present and accommodation to pay for. Do a private party another day for your friends. I personally would never go to any wedding unless it was meaningful to be physically present to see the exchange of vows. And I would absolutely not turn up if I was an after-thought and still had to pay for an outfit, travel, present and accommodation. We got married abroad in Kenya. We part paid for immediate family. Awesome wedding. Low cost. A few decades later, we still had the best wedding ever. 9 guests. Important to us. They all had 1 or 2 weeks holiday. But then, we just wanted to get married. We expected no one to turn up and we part-paid (wholly for MIL) those who really wanted to be there.

@fml666 scrap the meal and go straight to the buffet.

yes this is my view

Friends are happy to go out for dinner and pay to celebrate each other’s birthdays so why not a wedding. I wouldn’t mind paying at all and would still be honoured to be invited.

Your friends should understand your reasons for wanting to get married asap and that you can’t afford the rest. Maybe don’t invite them formally, just say your reasons for wanting to get married, health etc and that you can’t afford much but this is what you really want. Explain that family want to go for a meal and you’ve explained and they’re happy to pay for their own for this to happen. Be honest and say you would love them to come too, you wouldn’t want a wedding gift, but you just can’t afford to pay and would totally understand if they can’t make it and understand how this may come across as cheeky.

Both myself and my husband had been married before and when we got together we had our son (I was 40 and he was 50). Four years later, I won a Winnie the Pooh competition on a Manchester radio station and the prize was a family trip to The Ashdown Forest Hotel and Country Club, so we organised our wedding for just the three of us whilst we were down there, with just two witnesses and their two children who happen to live nearby. We had a Saturday pub lunch in Birmingham with my family and a couple of friends and told them that we had planned just a quiet wedding and explained we had both had big weddings the first time round. We went away on Maundy Thursday, got married at the registry office on Easter Saturday and had lunch in a pub with our witnesses, and then a week or so later, had a Sunday pub lunch with hubbys family. We said that we didn't need any gifts as we had hubbys house and all my stuff from my previous flat and everyone understood. We have now been together for 25 years, yes one or two people were miffed as they hadn't been invited, but they soon got over it, it's about making the day special for you and your intended, why worry that great aunt Mildred hasn't been invited, you probably haven't seen her or your cousins for years. Just do what makes you both happy and don't worry about the rest of the world.

The whole paid bars is something I never encountered until I understood that in the UK this is actually common. In The Netherlands and large part of the Caribbean it would be a no-go not to have an open bar at a wedding. Each country their own customs.

Having said that, I would be fine having to pay for my dinner if the bride and groom were close friends and I knew it was difficult for them to afford the wedding meal for all guests.

I get your point but I couldn’t do it. I’d not invite people on the basis I can’t afford them